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I have seen the struggles some of you as foster parents have in protecting children from abuse, getting them help etc and I realize that you are not the ones who took them away, so I don't want to come across as being against you. However, my children were removed in February and placed with my parents, and things are getting worse, not better. I have appealed to my caseworker, the GAL, the supervisor, and my attorney, who really isn't "into" the case all that much (doesn't pay that much) with no avail. I'm truly trying to understand what my parents are thinking and how I can better relate to them for the sake of my kids.
In december I went to a psychiatrist asking for him to switch me from prozac to Abilify. I had researched and felt that I have bipolar II and that the prozac was actually making my symptoms worse. I had started cutting, which is something I hadn't done since I was a young teenagere (and on wellbutrin, I don't do well on certain antidepressants apparently). The doctor told me that I didn't have bipolar, I was just too stressed because I "have too many kids.' He advise me to get a babysitter and refused to change the prescription. I started crying and said that I was done, felt hopeless and would not be coming back to him ever again. This was interpreted as suicidal intent, and he told me maybe I should go to the hospital. I agreed an went voluntarily where thankfully the doctor listened carefully to my symptoms and agree to let me try a mood stabilizer. Due to the fact that I had been cutting, an urge that pretty much went away as soon as I stopped the Prozac, they determined that I could be a danger to my children and called CPS.
My oldest child is 5 and has special needs. He has sensory integration issues as well as Asperger's. Just to hang around him, you wouldn't know it, but that's because we had him in a very structured inclusion class at school, in OT twice a week, and both he and his younger sister, 3 were in weekly play therapy. I had put them in play therapy to help them cope with disruption and changes that came about from my husband going inpatient for drug treatment the year before. He is home and has almost two years sobriety now, but the time that he was gone was really stressful for me trying to balance everything alone. During that time I used to beg my mom to come visit and help me with the kids but she wouldn't. She wanted me to move myself and the kids to another state to live with her and my father, which was not an option for us.
About a month after the case was opened, my husband tested positive for prescription medication that he was given at the ER for a broken ankle. He showed the prescription as well as the dx to the caseworker and offered a hair follicle test to prove that he had not relapsed and was not habitually using street drugs but they opted to remove the kids and they ultimately placed them in kinship foster care with my parents in VA.
My husband and I have done everything in our service plans. We stayed behind in TX for two months after the chidlren came to VA so that we could save enough money to buy a car and put a deposit on an apartment here in VA and then we came here. We each have two jobs, we have a car, a place to live, and we try very hard to stay active in the chidlren's lives. My parents have thwarted every effort we make. They rreceive $650/month in SSI for my son, but the entire time he has been with them he has not seen an occupational therapist or a psychologist. I thought it would kind of stand to reason that if you rip kids from their lifelong primary caregivers and place them with grandparents across the country, play therapy to help them adjust would be in order. We've asked my parents to meet with us together with a counselor so that we can be on the same page in terms of caring for the children. I understand that right now they are doing the daily work of caring for three small children. The caseworker told us that one of the advantages of a kinship placement is that the parents have easier visitation access to their children which helps keep the bond strong while we work on reunification. As long as we are supervised, we are allowed to visit the chidlren. The court ordered minimum is 2 hrs a week, but the caseworker said that more time was great as long as all parties agree. I have called my mom and offered to come over and catch her up on laundry and dishes so she can take a break. I bought clothes for the kids and asked to bring them by. She told me that we are not welcome in her house. When I call to talk to the kids, she hangs up on me. My kids are not in the right carseats in her van, and I offered to buy the right ones and sent her an email with names and numbers of certified carseat techs who can check the install for free. that infuriated her. My mom and I have never had a great relationship, but for the sake of my kids I desperately want her to work with me to take care of my kids. I'm sure they wonder why suddenly, after having Mommy take care of them their whole lives, they don't call or get to see me. My middle daughter has always been boisterous and hotheaded, just like me. Now, she is withdrawn and quiet and barely smiles. I'm doing everything in my power to get our children back, and praying that the next court date our efforts will come to light. We've done everything they asked of us. I don't want my kids' placement to be disrupted because I think it would be too traumatic to them to be moved somewhere else with strangers. But I can't bear the thought of going weeks on end without seeing and holding them and reassuring them that we have not forgotten or given them away. How can I get through to my parents and encourage them to work WITH us? How can I get them to get my kids the help that they need? My son was in school when he was with us. From what I can tell when I have talked to him, now he mostly plays DS and watches TV all day. My mom has a veritable circus of her friends who come by to help her with the kids. Yet I'm not welcome to come over and read to the kdis, change diapers and interact with them. I want to end the power struggle....we are a family and we should all be coming together to make this easier for the kids. I should never have to hear my 3 yr old say, "Grandma doesn't like you," and "only bad guys get tattoos." (Her dad has tattoos.) We make it a point not to say anything negative about their grandparents to them regardless of how we may feel. btw yes my husband is the children's father, this is not a babydaddy/man of the week scenario. I'm happy to answer any questions that would clarify anything. I'm sure people will say "there must be more to the story" and of course there is no way I could post every little detail on a message board. However I'm not trying to give a slanted view. I just want to know what, from a foster parent's perspective, could eb done to make the relationship better. It seems from the posts I read here that the issues come about because bio parents are flaky, don't do their service plans, say crazy things to the kids during visits, don't show up for visits, etc. We obviously have made mistakes, but we are serious and sincere about bringing our children home. We don't care if we look bad or if we have to do services that seem irrelevant to our particular situation. If that's what it takes, we are happy to do it. We show up for court, we stay in contact with the workers/attorneys/CASA worker and we try to make sure our kids are reassured that we still love them very much. I don't know what else to do. What are we missing? As a foster parent, what do you want out of the bio parents?
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I hope things go your way at the next hearing. I can only go by this post but you sound well spoken and caring. It also sounds like you are both working very hard and deserve to be recognized for that. I'm sad to hear that your children aren't getting the services they had when they were with you. Keeping my fingers crossed for your family and that you can all be together again.
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You sound very much like my former foster son's mom. Very involved....and very depressed which led to a voluntary out of home plan for her 2 year old son "Parrot" (see my signature line).
Her son was placed with her brother (Parrot's Uncle) in a town about 30 minutes away.
After awhile, it became apparent that Parrot's Uncle was behaving in a similar fashion as your children's grandparents. He was not holding up his end of the visitations schedule, leaving visits early or not bringing them and Parrots mom had worries about the quality of care he was receiving.
After 2 months, she decided that she did not want Parrot with the Uncle anymore and asked he be moved. She had no other family to take him, so she was taking a big gamble.
Parrot came to my home and we had a GREAT relationship. She got to see him weekly, talked to him briefly on the phone every night (he was only 2! LOL) and I updated her on what we did every few days.
After I got to know her, I mentored her quite a bit. She was proactive and was working on things that were not even ASKED of her on her own.
She is still doing great 1 year post reunification. She is a great person who just had some medical/depression issues to work on and she had no family support.
I am part of her support system now.
You might want to have a family team meeting with the grandparents, the SW and you with a neutral mediator to discuss the problems that are going on with the current placement.
Believe it or not, a non-relative placement might work better in the long run. Traditional foster parents have a lot more oversight by CPS and are held to stricter rules (in most places) than relative placements/kinship care.
MaybeDays thank you for that thoughtful response. How did "parrot's" mom find her support system? I am great at finding resources for my kids but not so much for myself. I went to an awesome parenting class that actually had started just before the CPS case was opened on us, that taught us how to do filial therapy (it's called something else too, child parent relationship training I think). It was run by a nonprofit and I really clicked with the other moms and found it to be a really positive and encouraging 2 hrs a week. Other than though I haven't really been able to find a good support network. It was one of my biggest problems. At one point while my husband was gone I was working overnights 5-6 nights a week then trying to stay up all day to parent my three kiddos. That was before my son started school so I had a 4, 2 and infant at home, with OT twice a week, play therapy once a week, laundry runs several times a week, ballet 2x a week and soccer 3x a week. I was SO TIRED. I knew I needed help, but I was too tired to go looking for it! This time I want to find people who aren't where I'm at, but who are where I want to be, if that makes sense. Hanging out with a bunch of other moms who've had their kids taken away may not really help me in getting my kids back. Does that make any sense? I just really don't know where you find people like that. I can't exactly show up to playgroups with no kids LOL. I don't have any addictions so I don't go to any NA type support groups. I always advocate for my kids but I do feel kind of lost myself. Like I've kind of fallen through the cracks :(
I have not been in your situation or had foster children in your situation but I agree with PP and think that you need to talk to the CW about a family meeting on neutral grounds to get your feelings and emotions heard. I know you don't want to have your children moved again but if what you posted about your situation is the truth then it will probably be more beneficial to you and the children to have them moved to a licensed foster home because you might be able to keep better contact on the path to RU and would be required to take the children to at least an initial therapy screening, at least in my state. I am sorry that you feel like you have fallen through the cracks. The best support group I have found has been thru my church but I am not sure if you are religious or not; if so I would say to start there. Once you RU with your children I would say get to know some of the other parents in activities your children are involved in (I think you mentioned soccer, ballet, etc...). It might take time and work to develop these relationships but I have made great friendships this way. I just want to wish you the best of luck with working your plan and getting your children back in your care.
The first thing you need to do is meet with the CW to determine if you have completed your caseplan. What is CPS's view of your progress? What would their recommendation be right now, if they had to go before a judge? If they wouldn't recommend RU, then I would get IN WRITING exactly what you still have to do. Put it in the notebook that I recommend below, and have the CW sign your summary as agreeing to it. Make sure you complete it ASAP, preferably before the next court hearing.
Once you have that, then I would request a meeting with the CW, the grandparents, you and anyone else, like a mediator, who can help with this. Write down your concerns prior to the meeting so that you can address them in a calm manner and not forget anything. It sounds like the grandparents have decided that you won't get them back, so they are just going to cut you out of their life completely.
At the meeting, I would request that, in writing, a visitation schedule be put into place. If you are allowed to be there at any time, then ask why you are not allowed to care for them after school until bedtime? You want to help with homework, you want to help get therapy set up and be there for the ballet classes. You want to be as much of a mom as you can be in this situation. It will quickly become obvious without you saying anything that the grandparents are preventing you from seeing the children. Also, address (in a very careful manner) the questions you have about why the children are being told that tattoos make their father a bad man, and the other concerns that the children are bringing up. Ask why the kids are not in therapy, and what you can do to assist them starting it. You could even bring a list of doctors who have open appointments, with a list of times that you could call right there at the meeting to set up the therapy for your oldest.
Also, if you can, bring your phone records showing your attempts to contact for a visit in case the grandparents say you aren't trying.
At that point, if the grandparents continue to protest visitation and therapy, then I would request that the children be moved to a foster home that will allow visitation on a scheduled, frequent basis, and that will have the children in the therapies they need to be in. I know it would be hard on the kids to move, but they need their services and living in a home that tells them their parents are bad is not good for them.
Finally, if you have not done so already, pick up a notebook that pages can not be ripped out of, and begin a journal of every single contact you have. Date, time, who was contacted, and a brief summary of the conversation. Make sure your summary is factual and emotionless. If you want to include your emotions, then do a second summary that includes what your impressions and feelings were, though that can be used against you and I wouldn't recommend it.
Finally, if your attorney is not doing their job, then request a new one from the courts. Many of the attorneys do it because they are assigned and used to parents who don't care.
If you want your kids back, you have to approach this as a full time job that requires perfection and constant documentation.
I wish you the best of luck. You appear to be a parent who really loves her children and made a mistake. A good attorney would fix a lot of this in a heartbeat, and if I were you I would save every penny so you could hire one. If you did and your caseplan is complete, there is a good chance your children would be back with you very soon.
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I am going to assume all this is true and agree with the majority that a traditional foster home may be a better fit. Let grandma stay grandma(she can set up visits) and keep doing what you are doing to get those kids back. I will say, here they don't seem nearly as quick to RU if they are with kin. They may be a lot more motivated to RU if they are with a traditional foster home.