don't know where to post this but a question

Hey birdy, I'm a very ancient adoptee...so take it with a grain of salt... Adoption is hard because it is built on loss because to be adopted we first had to be given up - at the same time I could not have asked to have a better family and that would have been a loss not to have had them as parents - while I also struggled with very typical issues found in adoption for adoptees, identity*, self esteem, abandonment/rejection and all the things that come from that. What I am trying to say is nothing is black or white but most want to paint it as either / or and apply labels. You can't do that. I believe openness (as in having a desire to be inclusive and you really believe both families are important to the health and well-being of the child vs. agreeing to send updates, or meet once or twice a year because that's what you have to do now to adopt) is good for the child. Having the latter attitude will be felt by the child and then you make them do the loyalty thing and choose between both sets (however unintended). I can't answer the different race because I am the same race as mom and dad but even then I felt the loss of not knowing where my ancestors came from, and would have appreciated knowing my family came from England or France etc. *identity - I just want you to challenge yourself by listing all the different parts of your physical make-up on a piece of paper. Now list who in your family shares that trait with you: examples your hair, nose, neck, hands, body type. Now list your personality type, your brand of humor, your special talents, your annoying quirks, good and bad, and list who else in your family does too. Now go back over the entire list and mark yes or no next to each item. Do you feel good or better about that trait because you love the family members who have that trait? When you know zero information you can't associate parts of you that you inherited to anyone you love - that's the best example of what it is like to live without knowing where you came from and as a child/teen/young adult - you find your self-identity in many of those ways even if that is unconsciously done. I would recommend you go to the adoptive parent transracial forum and search back a couple years ago for multiple page threads talking about raising a child of a different race - you will learn a lot about what it takes to really delve into all the things you would not know to look for and how you have to change your comfort zone so you live in your child's comfort zone instead. You don't want to be the parent of an adult adoptee who starts their narrative with ...and the first person I met who looked like me was X when I was 13... There is an adult adoptee blog that delves into life as a transracial adoptee that seems to find the words not to scare adoptive parents away. Kevin Hofmann [url=http://www.mymindonpaper.wordpress.com]My Mind on Paper | The Inspired Writing of Kevin D. Hofmann[/url]. His blog is also interesting in that when he first started blogging he didn't have any angst (is the best word I can come up with) but it shows if you read enough that even the gentlest can have different points in their life when they feel anger to some degree. Kind regards,Dickons

I think that the fact your are asking is a good thing. I would like to believe that the societal pressures against adopting outside your race have subsided along with the do do bird but there will always be people who engage the mouth before the brain. Looking into the matter further I would suggest that you contact an adoption agency that facilitates adoptions from outside the country to see if there is a support group for people who are dealing with the issue. I know that certain cultures frown upon "outsiders" adopting their children ie here in Canada First Nation/aboriginal people are speaking up about what has happened. I believe that if you are sensitive to the cultural nuances and can help the child identify with the culture it helps. I would suggest you look at the link Dickons suggested as well. She is a wise person.

By the way I am adopted born in 1956. I had a very distinct set of features which lend themselves to people speculating. It drove me nuts because people were always guessing my background. I would have liked to know my ethnicity. To have felt apart of some culture.People thought I was Northern Italian, Jewish, Gypsy, Arabic, Egyptian....you name it. I had blonde hair, very curly, blue eyes and when I hit approximately five my hair darkened to very dark brown. I tanned very dark as well. I have what when I am feeling confident a Barbara Streisand nose. When I was a teenager I thought it was hideous but I've grown into it thankfully. I had one lady swear I was Swiss because evidently there are dark haired women with blue eyes and the same nose.Not knowing was very hard. Then I found out I am Scottish, Black Irish meaning some Spanish blood from way back, English and Welsh. Where the nose comes from is anybody's guess but I saw a picture of one of my maternal Aunts and I had an "Aha" moment. Now my hair is white and I wouldn't colour it again for all the tea in China.

I agree with Dickons that open is in the best interest of the child. However, you have to remember that it doesn't always work out that way.We're open to having more openness other than just updates with DD's bfamily. They however, only want the updates although they want to see DD this fall when we come to FL to adopt the child they're carrying now. They have our phone number, our email address, fb contact (they live in a different state and can't afford to travel). They don't acknowledge our updates, our fb posts, don't call, don't email. In their defense, I'm sure it's hard for them.We try to keep the lines of communication open for the chance they decide to have more contact. But since she's their 3rd placement, I'm not sure I see this changing. It's how they are with the others (the oldest is 12 now). So my point, I guess, is understand that ideally, an open (by Dickons definition) relationship is best. In the end, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. We're all people. And birth families are dealing with loss. Sometimes they just can't handle the contact. So it's important to be open to the contact, to respect the bparents, and to make sure that your child knows that you feel this way.