Advertisements
My parents had five children and the fifth child, a boy, was placed for adoption. I have been looking for my brother and think I found him through the registry on this site.The email provided was no good so I looked up the name on Facebook. There was an account with his name and his wife's name. I wrote an email and the wife answered. She provided more info that matched and a few photos. I am 95% sure this man is my brother. He looks just like my mom and has the exact same hands as my brother who was parented. Here's the problem... the wife said that "S" doesn't know she and I have been writing and she doesn't want to tell him. She said that "it should just be between us for now." She said that every time she mentions finding his family he gets "mad." She also said that he has said that his first parents "didn't want me so I don't want them." I get that but here's the thing, both of my parents are dead. I feel like me and my siblings, the kept ones as well as the one placed for adoption, are the innocent ones here. He is 47 years old. I want to contact "S" but don't want to anger the wife in the process.Does anyone have any advice?
Like
Share
You are in a tricky place, and this woman has unfairly placed you there.Have you asked her how long she wants to keep this between the two of you? And, what is going to be the deciding factor for her that determines it is time for her husband to know? Well, so far, I haven't heard anything about your brother saying that he doesn't want to know his siblings. I would mention to her that he said that his first parents didn't want him, so he doesn't want them. Well, that doesn't include you. And, your parents aren't around. He may well want to know siblings, and I think you should point out that he never said he didn't want to know siblings. That may help.She's putting herself in a very dangerous position. Adoptees generally do not like secrets. She's making decisions about his life that she doesn't have the right to make. (At this point, I would not point all of that out.)Just give her some time to wrap her brain around this. Hopefully, she will come around. If she doesn't, well, then, you might have to go around her. It isn't ideal. But, if she decides to be a permanent barrier, and you want to at least let your brother know that the siblings want to know him, you'll have to go around the barrier.But, for now, give her time to adjust. I don't know her, so I don't know if she is being controlling, or if she is attempting to coax him slowly into an interest in knowing his family. Only time will tell.
Advertisements
Thank you for replying L4R..
I had the same feelings you did. It's not the wife's decision to make. She said she wanted to talk to his amom before she told him anything. He's 47 years old, clearly old enough to make his own decisions. She has mentioned twice that he didn't want to know his birth parents but never said anything about siblings.
I also asked her why he was registered on a reunion website if he had no interest in finding his original family. She said she "thinks" SHE might have been searching when their daughter had a health issue. My gut feeling is that she posted the info and is now worried she's in trouble with her husband for going behind his back.
Again, I thank you for your kind response and if you have any more advice, I'd certainly appreciate it.
His a-mom has NOTHING to do with this. First and foremost, whether or not he wants to be in reunion should be entirely up to him, not his wife.Secondly, whether or not he wants his a-family to even know that he and/or his wife are in communication with b-family should be entirely up to him, not his wife.If she does involve the a-mom, you might get an answer more quickly. Do not accept a non-contact decision from anyone other than your brother. You need to hear it directly from him.I would start to look into other methods of contacting him. Don't contact him yet. You do want to attempt a civil relationship with everyone. But, you do need to have other avenues of contact in case this one fails.
I would explain (as nicely as possible) what you want. Then tell her that you respect her position, but you are giving her X amount of time before you contact him directly. See how that works for her.
Yes, sounds like she is in deep doodoo with hubby if you talk with him directly. Not your problem, though. Secrets within families rarely have a positive outcome.
I am sorry I haven't replied sooner, life got in the way.
I wanted to update you since you took the time to reply and offer advice.
I wrote a kind, heartfelt letter to the wife once again explaining that we were as innocent as S is in all of this. I asked if she would please tell him that we were trying to find him and offered to write him a letter through regular mail to let her off the hook.
She ended up telling him and we have since confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is fact our brother. We found out on Friday, which coinincidently was our mother's birthday. We are all thrilled, and somewhat in shock. I have been searching for over 25 years.
I have still not communicated with my brother directly, but according to his wife, they went out to dinner Friday night to "celebrate the good news."
Thank you both so much for your kind and thoughtful replies, especially you L4R.
Advertisements
Advertisements