Even if bad, would you want to know?

MBethT, yes, I would encourage you to write the letter and save any proof you have to go with it.I say this as a male adoptee having searched for birth family and answers for more than 60 years.I have no information on my b-mom or any family. In the general scheme of things, I would want answers even partial answers rather than not knowing.For your evaluation if it comes down to your sharing what you know with them, I suggest you tell then generally what the story is. If they want to know more, they can ask.If it takes time to answer all the questions, it's better to know, no matter how bad the information may be.Perhaps it would help if they got the information from a therapist with you present. That way they will understand the validity of what is being said. If there are immediate problems, you have the therapist for help.I wish you the best.

Juliana and Drywall, thank you both. I have started the letter, with both of your suggestions incorporated into it. I began by explaining that my family did love and want the children, and how it came to happen that our efforts to bring them home did not work out as we intended, (I included our adoption class certificates, and proof of where we retained an attorney for them).I wrote a brief summary of why their birth parents lost permanent custody of them, and included a copy of the Judge's decision. Then I explained that I have more detailed information for them, but that it could be very hurtful to learn, and asked them not to read any further if they did not feel ready for it (and placed a divider there). I also suggested that, even if they did feel ready, it might be best for them to read it in the company of a trusted counselor or therapist. It really isn't a question of how I personally perceive what occurred, as the compiled proofs are very self-evident, at least where the mother is concerned. I can hardly believe her coldness myself, and I am furious over it!Again, thank you both. While the venting is probably a release to me, it has been a difficult decision about whether to share it with them. This is one situation where ignorance might be bliss. Yet, I feel they do have entitlement to the truth.

Like Juliana and Drywall, I agree that you must tell them the truth IF they want to hear it. (Ask them first. Tell them that some of the facts may be hard to hear. And, then let them decide if they want to know. Some people truly do not want to know anything unsavory, so you have to let them make that decision on their own.)

The truth should set you free. I want to know the truth about myself and why I was given up. I think that we all do. Even if my parents are murderers I want to know. I would want to be given the benefit of the doubt that I could handle the truth what ever that may be.

L4R and Tankeryanker, thank you, also. I wish that I could ask the children. They are either in foster or adoptive care now, and I don't have any contact with them, though I do send them letters, and am trying to see if their parents will allow interaction of some sort. The letter is in case I am not alive by the time they reach an age of understanding, or adulthood. I have had chronic illness for years, and things have been worse of late. So this is it, maybe now or never, when it comes to assuring they have the truth IF they want it. The children were old enough when placed in state custody to remember their birth family, and to know some of why they were removed from their parents custody. What they don't know, is that their mother went to great lengths to make sure that no one familiar could bring them home; in other words, she made sure they remained in state custody, and it clearly was an act of cold spite. Put it like this, the little girl was smart enough to ask her something close to, "Mommy, if you love us why won't you do what you're supposed to so we can come home?" She said, that she told the child that she was trying. But the h*ll if she was trying!!! Even the Judge determined that she only made excuses for herself, and he wasn't even privy to the depth of information I have, since the mother intentionally kept my family out of the picture until it was too late. Sorry, I'm ranting here, but it just leaves me so angry for those poor children. Thanks, all of you, truly. Your input has strengthened my conviction that this needs to be written out for them. They don't owe her pity when they were her victims, and I will make sure they have full information to determine their relationship with her once they are of age.

With my son, there is a pretty ugly answer to the why's. But I have made a great effort to balance the information. He is only 3, but I am getting prepared. For each ugly truth, I have provided a pretty truth. I want him to see her beauty, her worth, but also her mistakes. I'm having a hard time with some of the truths, but I will keep working on it until he asks. God bless!

When talking about their mother and the events that caused and surrounded the adoption, I would caution you to just give the facts.I can hear your anger and emotion through your written words. And, it is okay for you to be angry. But, you need to give them the facts (without attacking their mother), let them read the facts, and determine on their own what emotions they want to feel.If you are worried that you won't be around when they are adults, you may want to write them two letters: one that gives them the facts surrounding their relinquishment and one that tells them how you have felt about them all of these years.

It sounds like you're torn between letting the truth out before it's too late or covering up a lie someone else has set into motion and is too cowardly to come fourth with. If I have this right, the only answer I could give would be that you need to remember only you have to answer for what you did or didn't do in your life in the end, as everyone else also has to do for themselves when their time comes too. Knowing that on your day to answer for your deeds in life and only yours alone, and the one you'll be answering to already knows the truth and what you should have done by their rule book The question simply becomes.....Did your last act cover for people that don't deserve coverage, or did you leave it for them to have to sort out their own mess and face up to their actions? I've seen in my life that no matter how bad the truth is, it's still works better if it's out than if it's left to fester and grow worse each day more it stays a secret.

AlabamaMommy and L4R, you are right about how angry I feel, and the need for me to find some balance in the information I share with the children. I will need to work on not attacking the mother, no doubt. The problem is that some of what I planned to share includes comments she made to me, that when put with what she did all make sense in hindsight. It is FACT that she made certain statements to me. But would that be construed as attacking her, do you think?BizT, I haven't ever covered anything up for the mother. It is that I caught on to what she did after the fact, after the children were already in state custody. I don't doubt that the mother will have to answer for her actions in one way or another; it is not my place to punish her, so to speak. I guess I just don't want to leave it to chance whether she deceives the children into believing she actually tried to regain custody of them, when I know from her own words that she coldly planned to loose them (the responsibility of parenting) to the state, and without allowing family who would have been glad to take them and finish raising them have a chance of getting them. She lied to the state, and she lied to family members who did ask about getting them, simply to abandon the children to strangers. Her drugs and her freedom to run were apparently more important to her. She took advantage of people, like my family, claiming she needed (financial) help to meet court requirements to regain custody - that she never wanted in the first place. So, no, I would not cover for that woman!!! But I do care HOW I present the truth, or facts to the children. They have already been hurt too much as it is.Thank you, everyone, as your input has been helpful to how I can / will approach this matter.

Just so I can make clearer what I meant by using the words "cover up" I was in no way possible implying that you were doing that in any way. I meant that the mother is using this situation of you're having to either hold her secrets or hurt the kids who did nothing to deserve that by telling them. Based on what I saw in your words the mother sounds like a manipulator (and that there may have been a hint of a drug problem she had/has too, but thats only a guess on my part, so I left it out.) They use people like a mechanic uses tools to get whatever they want and don't care what it takes or how much damage and hurt it causes to get what they want. I've had a father like that my whole life so I fully know what damage it can do. But on the upside, his being that way has taught me that I want to be nothing like him, and that has been a good thing for me because it enabled me to want to learn proper morals and keep to them strong, less I become him, in order to accomplish that end. And as for "having to answer for those acts" I was trying not to sound religious while still implying that I meant they will have to answer to their maker on their day of judgment. That's all I meant. You and I may have more in common than youҒll ever know of this situation, but to prove that Id have to post things I donҒt dare post openly because of the risk of damage it could do to my daughter if the wrong people saw it before she did. I know the truth, and if I can ever find my daughter she will be told the truth, then shell be safe to act on it any way she likes, where I never could. I wish I could say more to help you, but I just don't know what to say that would be of any further help.

BizT, not to worry, I promise I never took your words personally. I was only saying that the mother is not worth covering for. Yes, the mother is a manipulator and, yes, at least a former drug addict, and I would venture to guess she still abuses.You, and everyone here, have been very helpful. I would guess that we do have a situation in common, from the looks of it this far. I've been working on my letters. One I will send to them, letting them know that there are others if they ever want the information. It turns out that it is easier to leave out my anger when I divide the subject matter into different letters. Yet some of the facts and quotes will probably cause anger, and that much cannot be helped if the truth is to be honored.I hope that you do find your daughter, and that you can help her along a path of healing. I also believe that justice comes from a higher power, and usually as the result of one's own actions.

I would want to know. I know non-identifying information, which is fine, because I know it probably isn't good, seeing as how I was put up for adoption. But, I still want to know, bad or whatever. There is a reason, I'd like to know what it is, even if it's not rainbows and unicorns.

I would want to know the facts if it was me and I use that same judgement when sharing info with my children about their birth histories. Most importantly I always try and share that info in a non-judge mental way and in a way that emphasizes the child's worth regardless of what the circumstance/relationship was. Always separating the behavior from the actual person. Yes, birthmom is probably a wonderful loving person...but maybe mental illness, or her choices, or drug addiction etc have affected what she said and what she did. People can and do change. I've seen it. Especially when drugs are involved. I would warn a child against previous behavior so that they go into the relationship understanding, able to set boundaries and see patterns, but never trying to convince child that Mom didn't care and isn't worth having a relationship with because of allt he horrible stuff she did in the past etc. Mom may have purposefully left children in fostercare rather than actually trying, she may have even said or did things to prevent family from being able to get involved (my sister did the same thing with my nephew that is currently in fostercare and whose case is set for TPR next month, because of moms choices we now have no ability to try and get custody of him). But the child most likely do not see his foster family or adoptive family as "strangers". I know for my previous foster children as well as seeing my nephew with his foster family. These people aren't strangers, they are now part of his family. I'd be very careful in how you approach that aspect of communication in the letter. Allowing the children to know that their foster/adoptive families are important and special to them and so much more than just strangers. your approach could also affect your ability to remain in contact with the children if they feel that in sharing this info your also harming the children by not allowing them to be happy and embrace their families that they are currently in. So just be careful how you word things and think of how it might be received from all angles not just your perspective of what happened. btw, I understand the hurt and the anger your feeling. It may take you many attempts before finally getting it all down on paper in a way that is best for the kids to hear and it's okay to let them know how it hurt you or upset you. I just wouldn't make that the focus of the letter.

I feel the truth should be shared I haven't known the truth for 43 years and iam so lost and sad I don't feel like I belong anywhere,dont feel unsettled telling them the truth I have the upmost respect for you .you're an amazeing person:wings:

I want to know everything! Even if bad, trust me I have run over ever possible premutation in my mind for what could have happened and why. Was I the result of rape or incest? I want to know, the not knowing is the worst part, it only make me imagine the worst. The truth is better even if hard.