Advertisements
Hello....
I need some advice please. But first I will tell you my incredible story. My husband and I have always wanted to have children, but we are unable to conceive. In 2009 my best friend came to me and offered to carry a baby for us to adopt. Her husband is my husbands best friend. She offered to use her eggs and we were to find a sperm donor. As we were looking for the right donor, my stepfather of 30 years came to me and said would we consider him to be the donor. We spent a good month thinking this through. We finally said yes, and we had my best friend inseminated, and she got pregnant on the first round. Our daughter was born in 2010, she came home with us from the hospital. Before she was born, we went back and forth....should we tell her who her biological mother and father is, or keep it a secret....but when she was born, reality set in and I told my husband we cannot lie to her for her whole about who she is. If she were to find out somehow, she would never trust us again. I am proud of how we brought her into this word, she's a gift by 2 amazing people. My husband is terrified that she will hate us when she finds out we are not her biological parents. I am scared too....but not as much as I was. Our daughters relationship with her biological father is amazing(he is Pop Pop to her) and her biological mother is known as her Auntie M, both of whom our daughter is very close to. Sooooo....I need some advice on how to tell our daughter, she's 3 and a half now, and I think we need to prepare ourselves for the talk with her.
Thank you
Mel
Like
Share
First, kudos for being willing to tell your child the truth about her biological origins. I firmly believe that everyone has a right to know their story. So you're doing the right thing.
Second, realize that you don't need to sit down with her and have "the big talk" all at once. Instead, you should give her information about her biology in age-appropriate chunks as she is able to understand it -- with the goal of having her know her whole story before she hits puberty and all the related identity-crisis issues that may arise. So -- she's only three and you have plenty of time. But the sooner you start, the more comfortable YOU will be with her story. And she'll never have to feel like you kept anything from her -- she will always have known.
What does she understand now? Start by building on that. When one of my kids (adopted from foster care) was three my sister happened to be pregnant so we started talking a bit about where babies come from and the baby in my sister's tummy and how our kiddo grew in his birthmother's tummy. Maybe you could use a movie or storybook to begin a conversation about how she grew in Auntie M's tummy.
And then just build from there. It will get easier, I promise!!
Advertisements
Your best bet would have been telling her who they were from day one so YOU would be comfortable with it. Tell it in story form, we wanted a baby and...then....and then you were born....and...and... I don't know what is best but I think you can link facts together - things like she's mommy's best friend and your biological mother so she will always be in your life too because she wants what's best for you...etc... Start now so she ALWAYS knows and there is no big reveal. Add more details as she grows and asks questions. Experts say she should know all the story before she becomes a teen... Kind regards,Dickons
I agree that you should start telling her pieces of the story now. And, I really like Dickons idea about telling her that her biological mother is your best friend. If you don't start to tell your daughter about her origins now, she may end up having negative feelings toward you in the future. Not telling her is a bigger risk than telling her.
Thank you all for your advice.....It's funny, the biggest worry I had was trying to explain to her that her grandfather is really her biological father....but none of you have commented on that, so that makes me feel like I've been stressing over that part for nothing : )
We are definitely going to start talking about it now....we've never hidden it from her, I have pictures of Auntie M all over the house, pictures of her with a big pregnant belly, and scrap books time lining her whole journey from conception to birth...sonogram pictures, the actual birth, EVERYTHING. So I think I might start pulling those albums out and let her do the asking :-)
That's awesome that you have pics of Auntie M pregnant. I have a couple pics of my son's bm pregnant with him, and it really helped him understand he grew in C's belly.
I would not wait for your daughter to ask questions-- she's 3 1/2 and has no experience asking any kind of adoption questions. Unless you bring it up, why would she ask?
I'd get out the photo album, point to Auntie M's big pregnant belly and say "Oh, look! There you are in Auntie M's belly before you were born and came to live with Mommy and Daddy! Mommy couldn't grow a baby in her belly, so Auntie M promised to grow you in hers."
We don't bring up birthfathers yet. I feel like that is an incredibly difficult concept for a preschooler to understand, and I almost feel like the child needs to understand the basics of baby-making to "get it". And mine don't understand that yet. It doesn't help that we don't know who my daughter's birthfather is so, yeah... I'm kind of dreading that conversation, especially since we know both birthparents for both of my sons.
Advertisements
I would just tell her the basics right away. Maybe even make her own little "adoption" book that describes it.
Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby so bad but weren't able to have one on our own. Mommy's best friend Auntie M and Papa offered to help us make a baby so our dream of having a family would come true. So we went to a special doctor who helped put the love from Auntie M with the Love from papa into Auntie M's tummy ...see there you are in Aunti M's tummy....and Auntie M took really good care of you in her tummy until you grew and were ready to come see Mommy and Daddy. We are so blessed that Aunti M and Papa loved us so much to help bring you into our lives and how much they will always love you also.
Keep in mind this is more than a story of adoption. This is a story of surrogacy and of IVF as much or more so than adoption. The adoption was secondary and really just a legal piece. When we were doing IVF, our counselor talked to us about how to share the conception with the child (we didn't get pregnant that way in the end). There are some books out there to help with introducing a child to that concept. I'd bet there are similar resources for surrogacy. Momof 6 is on the right track.This story has to be more about IVF and surrogacy because while there is a biological connection to Auntie M and Papa, the typical adoption relinquishment etc isn't there.Here is a [URL="http://cnyfertility.com/resources/childrens-books-on-ivf/"]link[/URL] that has a list of books on the different aspects of fertility treatment ways to build a family for kids. I think you start with those stories. We have one that is specific to adoption that we read in addition to her own special story book.It won't seem so big a deal if you read some other books about other children conceived the same way. Also, those books will help give you the words.
Something I have either missed, or no one has commented on......
Have you asked the other parties involved how THEY feel about all of this? They are as much a part of this as your daughter is, and if you've not already discussed this with them, perhaps that is where you should start. Yes, your daughter deserves to know the truth about how she came into this world, but sometimes, things need to be omitted to preserve not only someone else's life, but in this case (the step-father) the rest of family harmony, in the event he does not wish it to be known.
I love your story, and how awesome it is that you are surrounded by such wonderfully caring people (your friend and step-dad), but, please, if you've not discussed this with them, do so, before even considering telling the entire tale to your daughter.
Love and light......B
Advertisements
You could go to one of the photo websites and make a story book of her story. Use some of the pictures and make it very simple at first. Then just put that book in with the other books (also maybe books on different kinds of families might be good to add to the mix) then just make it one of the bedtime books in the rotation, not for every night, but just for sometimes. Once you have read it a time or two you can just let her choose when she wants it. Later you can make one that has more detail if you want or just answer questions as they come up later.
Well, although the specific circumstances are quite different, as someone who just found out as an adult that the person I thought was my mother was actually my biological grandmother, the person I though was my older half sister was my biological mother and the person I thought was my father was not biologically connected to me in any way, you definitely want to tell the whole story.
The only anger I have is that I was not told.