Conflicted emotions.... opinions please!

So how do you feel when you think about her not being there anymore? If you feel like you cant imagine her being with someone other than you I would say its a good bet that you will feel more for her as time goes on. We had a placement and at first we were told he would never go home we were ask would be consider adoption if it came to that. We said no we were not wanting to adopt except if by chance a girl came along we just may. Anyhow, fast forward 8 months and we were telling them we would keep him forever. He was RU but they are telling us that everyone thinks it is going to fall apart in the next few months. We have said we will gladly take him back.

You should give it some time. You need to build memories and bond, attachment is a huge thing. She is 12, and you've not had a history yet.Start writing your story, bond, make memories then before you know it, you will realize you are in love with her.Good luck!BTW, I have adopted an older sib set, sometimes, love comes softly...

Thank you for your responses. It does make me feel "sad" if I think of her leaving to go with another family. I don't know if my world would crumble if she left, but I would definately feel bad, and most likely, would wonder if we made the right decision. She is a pretty good kid. Her IQ is very low though (72) and she acts younger than 12... but she is extremely polite, does not have a bad temper, etc. She listens and doesn't talk back too. And I'm told by her therapists that she's always been that way, that's just how she is. She is going to see a neurologist (per her psychologists recommendation) and I might not make a definate decision until I hear the results from that. I know she would be the same child, but if by chance there would be something seriously wrong with her (neurologically), then I'm not sure if I could handle that because I'm not sure what that could mean when she got older. So I think alot of that weighs on my mind too. We are hoping it works out!

Our AS came to us as a preadoptive placement when he was almost three years old. It was a solid year before I felt like I had really bonded with him. It takes time -- sometimes lots of time -- so I'm not surprised that you're not in love with your FD quite yet. And as lots of folks on here have said, love is an action and if you think you can committ to this little girl then go for it!! And if you're not sure, it's ok to give it a bit more time. Good luck!

You will love her! It takes time to love someone, especially kids who are older. I noticed that with my 5 kids. It was harder to bond with my oldest one, she had behavioral problems plus a lot of insecurities about me and my husband. Those two kept us both from bonding faster. I felt so guilty that I loved the Little ones but my feelings for her were not as strong as for the Little ones. Finally, when she was able to trust me, she allowed me to love her. It was really awesome when I realized I love my girl so much. When she talks like me, uses my words, or smiles like me, she melts my heart. It is a matter of time and experiences. A lot of patience is needed. Good luck!

she sounds like an awesome kid---she would be a dream placement for a lot of people who are wishing for kids that age. It takes time to build a bond- but be sure that it will form and you will love her. Think of this --did you love your DH right away or did that love and respect form over time? The love for a child is different but in a lot of ways it is all the same

Okay we met her in May (she came for weekend respites) and she moved in with us the beginning of June. I still don't really feel bonded with her. I like her, but don't love her. It would make me sad to see her leave to go somewhere else, yet the thoughts of keeping her forever scare me also. She's still basically a good kid but her psych issues scare me. She talks to herself and she talks to to an imaginary friend (who we just recently learned she thinks it's real... initially she told us she knew it wasn't real now she's admitting she does think it's real). And she will do this in school too... talks outloud to herself, talks to her imaginary friend in school, walks down the halls singing outloud, to her self. And she acts much younger than her age, and she's socially awkward (trouble making/keeping friends). I feel very conflicted and I hate this! :(

It sounds like she may not be the right fit for your family. That doesn't make you a bad person. The best thing for the both of you is to find the right fit. Don't be pressured into adopting a child.

Any better now? :)

At times yes at times no. Still feeling conflicted and have not made a definate decision regarding adopting her. Ugh

I have been in a pre-adoptive situation for a little over a year now. I have siblings ages 5+6. Boy oh boy what a year it has been. I also have two bio boys ages 7+10. So our foster kiddos came in with so many issues. Our foster son our family very quickly bonded with. Our foster daughter....well not so much. She is the older of the two and has attachment issues. I felt so guilty for not feeling love for her. I then realized that I had to put myself in the role of caretaker and meet her basic needs at first. I was putting so much pressure on myself to love her and to have this mother daughter relationship that I always dreamed of. Through time and working through a lot of her challenges we began to care for one another. I had to trust in God and his timing and let go of my timing. I can tell you now that I love her but this is something that just recently occurred. Hang in there and if she is meant to be a part of your family the love will come and the timing will be just right.

Thank you for sharing your story. I still feel the same. Luckily her county is not pressuring us... they understand. She is very nice and polite, even after 6 months of being with us, but she's so bizzaar. She can't keep friends because (not to be rude but...) she is weird... does very weird things. She has psychosis (according to the psychiatrists office). Although she isn't nasty or having rapid mood swings, I believe too that she has some form of mental health issues. Her school knows it too and there were issues there with some of her behaviors. Psychosis doesn't go away, and I'm just on the fence with mental health. She could be okay the rest of her life, or she could get worse. I'm not sure I can deal with that if that should happen. She recently started a partial hospitalization program, so I'll have to wait and see how this goes I guess.