What Every Foster Parent Wishes You Knew

I ran across this funny , but SO true article about the time we got our third foster care placement!! I just loved it and thought I would share it with you!! :cheer: [FONT="Verdana"]What Every Foster Parent Wishes You Knew

1. Were not FreakinҒ Saints. We are doing this because it needs doing, we love kids, this is our thing. Some of us hope to expand our families this way, some of us do it for the pleasure of having laughing young voices around, some of us are pushed into it by the children of family or friends needing care, some of us grew up around formal or informal fostering but all of us are doing it for our own reasons BECAUSE WE LOVE IT and/or LOVE THE KIDS and WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES ֖ we get to have these great kids in our lives.

We hate being told we must be saints or angels, because were doing something really ordinary and normal Җ that is, taking care of kids in need. If some children showed up dirty and hungry and needing a safe place on your doorstep, youd care for them too Җ we just signed up to be the doorstep they arrive at. The idea of sainthood makes it impossible for ordinary people to do this and the truth is the world needs more ordinary, human foster parents. This also stinks because if we֒re saints and angels, we cant ever be jerks or human or need help, and thatҒs bad, because sometimes this is hard.

2. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND THE KIDS!!!!!! I cant emphasize this enough, and everyone is continually stunned by the things people will ask in the hearing of children, from ғOh, is their Mom an addict? or ԓWell, they arent your REAL kids are theyҔ or Are you going to adopt them?Ӕ or whatever. Not only is that stuff private, but it is HORRIBLE for the kids to hear people speculating about their families whom they love, or their future. Didnt anyone ever explain to you that you never say anything bad about anyoneҒs mother (or father) EVER? Dont assume you know whatҒs going on, and dont ask personal questions Җ we cant tell you anyway.

3. DonҒt act surprised that they are nice, smart, loving, well-behaved kids. One of the corollaries of #1 is that there tends to be an implied assumption that foster kids are flawed we must be saints because NO ONE ELSE would take these damaged, horrible kids. Well, kids in foster care have endured a lot of trauma, and sometimes that does come with behavioral challenges, but many of the brightest, nicest, best behaved, kindest and most loving children I֒ve ever met are foster kids. They arent second best kids, they arenҒt homicidal maniacs, and because while they are here they are MINE, they are the BEST KIDS IN THE WORLD, and yes, it does tick me off when you act surprised they are smart, sweet and loving.

4. Dont hate on their parents. Especially donҒt do it in front of the kids, but you arent on my side when you are talking trash either.

Nobody chooses to be born mentally ill. No one gets addicted to drugs on purpose. Nobody chooses to be born developmentally delayed, to never have lived in a stable family so you donҒt know how to replicate it. Abusive and neglectful parents often love their kids and do the best they can, and a lot of them CAN do better if they get help and support, which is what part of this is about. Even if they cant, it doesnҒt make things better for you to rush to judgement.

It is much easier to think of birth parents as monsters, because then YOU could never be like THEM, but truly, birth parents are just people with big problems. Birth and Foster parents often work really hard to have positive relationships with each other, so it doesnt help me to have you speculating about them.

5. The kids arenҒt grateful to us, and it is nuts to expect them to be, or to feel lucky that they are with us. They were taken from everything they knew and had to give up parents, siblings, pets, extended family, neighborhood, toys, everything that was normal to them. No one asked them whether they wanted to come into care.

YOU have complex feelings and ambivalence about a lot of things, even if it seems like those things are good for you or for the best. Dont assume our kids donҒt have those feelings, or that moving into our home is happily-ever-after for them. Dont tell them how lucky they are or how they should feel.

By the way, there is no point comparing my home to the one they grew up in. Both homes most likely have things the children like and dislike about them. The truth is if every kid only got the best home, Angelina and Brad would have all the children, and the rest of us would have none.

6. No, weҒre not making any money on it. We dont get paid Җ we get a portion of the childs expenses reimbursed, and that money is only for the child and does NOT cover everything. I get about 56 cents an hour reimbursed, and I get annoyed when you imply IҒm too stupid to realized Id make tons more money flipping burgers.

Saying this in front of the kids also REALLY hurts them Җ all of a sudden, kids who are being loved and learning to trust worry that you are only doing this because of their pittance. So just shut up about the money already, and about the friend of a friend you know who kept the kids in cages and did it just for the money and made millions.

7. When you say I could never do thatӔ as if were heartless or insensitive, because we can/have to give the kids back to their parents or to extended family, it stings.

Letting kids go IS really hard, but someone has to do it. Not all kids in care come from irredeemable families. Not everyone in a birth family is bad Җ in fact, many kin and parents are heroic, making unimaginable sacrifices to get their families back together through impossible odds. Yes, it is hard to let kids we love go, and yes, we love them, and yes, it hurts like hell, but the reality is that because something is hard doesnt make it bad, and you arenҒt heartless if you can endure pain for the greater good of your children. You are just a regular old parent when you put your childrens interests ahead of your own.

8. No, they arenҒt ours yet. And they wont be on Thursday either, or next Friday, or the week after. Foster care adoption TAKES A LONG TIME. For the first year MINIMUM the goal is always for kids to return to their parents. It can take even longer than that. Even if we hope to adopt, things could change, and it is just like any long journey Җ it isnt helpful to ask ғAre we there yet every five minutes.

9. Most kids will go home or to family, rather than being adopted. Most foster cases donԒt go to adoption. Not every foster parent wants to adopt. And not every foster family that wants to adopt will be adopting/wants to adopt every kid.

It is NOT appropriate for you to raise the possibility of adoption just because you know they are a foster family. It is ESPECIALLY not appropriate for you to raise this issue in front of the kids. The kids may be going to home or to kin. It may not be an adoptive match. The family may not be able to adopt now. They may be foster-only. Not all older children want or choose to be adopted, and after a certain age, they are allowed to decide. Family building is private and none of everyones business. TheyҒll let you know when you need to know something.

10. If were struggling Җ and all of us struggle sometimes it isn֒t helpful to say we should just give them backӔ or remind us we brought it on ourselves. ALL parents pretty much brought their situation on themselves whether they give birth or foster, but once you are a parent, you deal with what youve got no matter what. ғI told you so is never helpful. This is especially true when the kids have disabilities or when they go home. Yes, we knew that could happen. That doesnԒt make it any easier.

11. Foster kids are not fake kids,Ӕ and were not babysitters Җ they are all my REAL kids.Ӕ Some of them may stay forever. Some of them may go and come back. Some of them may leave and well never see them again. But thatҒs life, isnt it? Sometimes people in YOUR life go away, too, and they donҒt stop being an important part of your life or being loved and missed. How they come into my family or for how long is not the point. While they are here they are my childrens REAL brothers and sisters, my REAL sons and daughters. We love them entirely, treat them the way we do all our kids, and never, ever forget them when they leave. DonҒt pretend the kids were never here. Let foster parents talk about the kids they miss. Dont assume that kids are interchangeable Җ one baby is not the same as the next, and just because there will be more kids later doesnt make it any easier now.

12. Fostering is HARD. Take how hard you think it will be and multiply it by 10, and you are beginning to get the idea. Exhausting, gutwrenching and stressful as heck. That said, it is also GREAT, and mostly utterly worth it. It is like Tom HanksҒ character in _League of Their Own_ says about baseball: It is supposed to be hard. If it wasnӒt hard everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

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