OA with former foster parents

Why did they not adopt her? Wow, she was there a long time. If I was uncomfortable with the visits and your AD does well without them, maybe do phone calls? You have good reason to be away. You have no obligation to them. Try distancing yourself slowly. Unless they live on the same block as your family could you visit them without telling the FFP? Another thought.....most foster parents know the issues with behaviors and visits.....could you explain that she has a really difficult time with it? You could also encourage writing letters when away and go for a long-distance kind of relationship.

Well it's a unique situation. The foster mom T met the bio mom a month before A was born. She offered any assistance to the bio mom, but at 16 the bio mom thought she knew it all. The day the bio mom brought A home from the hospital (this is the story I got) she dropped A off with T and didn't show back up for 3 days. The pattern continued until A was 3. (She spent half her time with T and half with bio mom). At 3 DCF removed her from bio mom and placed her with T and her husband. At age 6.8 T was unknowingly granted permanent guardianship. At this time T was 63 and her husband was terminally ill. 9 months later T's husband passed away. We started filing for adoption and hired a big hitting lawyer to get the state to even reopen the case. (They apparently never told T they were giving her permanent guardianship). T felt at this point she was too old to be raising another child and wanted A with a "young family". Here we step in. She was all for us adopting A and once the state reopened the case T willing relinquished guardianship so we could proceed with the adoption. All this being said, T is A's "mom" emotionally. She's the only real caregiver she had. When with her bio mom she was neglected. T was the one to comfort and care for her. (Sometimes too much in an attempt to make up for what the bio mom was lacking). Our family has adopted T as another grandmother. Our AD and bio kids refer to her as Grandma T. Having her around has been fine but it's really starting to be an obvious issue for A. They know when we come to their state since A has free communication with them (mostly phone). In the summer they have a vacation home they go to and they expect to have A with them for a time each summer. But this summer my husband and I were too uncomfortable with the lack of supervision and rules they give A. (It's a beach community. There's no supervision at the beach and at 8yo this summer we drove by at 9:30 at night and she was out with friends without an adult in sight.) That along with letting her stay up all night, eat whatever she wants and watch anything her heart desires we are no longer comfortable but don't know how to address it. They have already mentioned "next summer". I know it's an important relationship for A so I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with them.

That is a tough situation. I don't know what would be best. I would just try to create some space somehow. Maybe by making yourself unavailable during the timeframe? Anyone else have ideas?

It's great that you've "adopted" T as an extra grandparent and that seems like the perfect role for her to be in. So what are the parameters for grandparents in your kiddos' lives? They probably get to spoil the kiddos a bit, but still have to follow house rules and defer to the parents on discipline, supervision, etc. And they should always be sending kiddos back to their parents for primary attachment stuff. So -- the issue is how to transition both T and A into seeing T in the grandparent role, rather than primary caregiver. I'm not really sure how to do that, but maybe start with a conversation with T (perhaps facilitated by a therapist or social worker -- although that might be difficult with the distance) to make sure she understands and accepts her new role. Then lots and lots of attachment work with A so she starts to see you as the mom... Gosh, I wish I had more specific advice. My kiddos former foster parents have also become grandparents in their lives, but our kiddos were much much younger and the former foster parents weren't interested in being as involved.... Hopefullly folks with more experience will chime in!!

I'd have an open conversation about rules, and how A does well with consistent rules. If you aren't comfortable with them taking her overnight, I would say "Yes, we're going to be in town but we have family obligations. We can squeeze in a lunch on X day." It's unreasonable for the FFM to expect that every time you come into town to visit family that your daughter won't get to also visit family, and instead, must split the time between family and Grandma T. So I'd be very up front about that. Explain that your family is now A's family, and while you are open to seeing them, you're not going to split her time every single trip you make into their town.

We maintained openness with the former foster family but made sure to do all visits "as a family". DD doesn't go by herself and we kept it to shorter periods of time and fun family activities. I would explain that it isn't helpful to her to have long visits and overnights at this point but that you want to maintain openness. Dinners, afternoons at the beach, trips to the local activities. Don't go and drop her off. Be the parents. On another note. Expect her to be a hot mess after visits. It is part of the processing and it is an important part of healing. Reminding yourself that she will be cranky, miserable, snarky and exhausted after visits so that you can be gentler, softer, more understanding and let her off a little easier in those moments. It is better that she goes to the visits and maintains the loving Grandparent like relationship rather than losing somebody who loves her IF they can respect the new relationships. It is harder if they do not support you as her parents but it sounds more like you have different (more appropriate) rules etc for an 8 yr old. It isn't easy but I must say that for our DD it has been really good for her over the years to know that she didn't lose her former foster parents but it takes time to transition the roles. Firm boundaries, short visits, you in the parenting role and visiting like you would with other family members will start to normalize it. good luck:) sm