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My husband and I adopted two sisters four years ago, the girls were 8 and 10. They were taken from their Dad, their Mom was already out of the picture, because he was arrested for cooking drugs. He served four years in prison and now is out. The girls wish to see him and my husband doesn't want them to at all. The biofather doesn't seem like a threat at all he just wants to see them. We live in a very small town and with the girls now being 12 and 14 I feel that if they want to see them that they should be allowed to but only supervised visits. I feel like they will eventually go see him whether we allow it or not so I would just as soon allow visits while I can supervise them rather then them sneaking around later when I cannot supervise them. My husband and I are really struggling with this issue. The girls are doing awesome in life, excelling in school and all areas. He feels like this will set them back and I feel like it will allow them to be at peace with this issue, please help?
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They should see him. They were 8 & 10. They have a super strong bond to him no doubt. Even if they don't tell you that. That being said. You should meet him first. As someone who adopted a child from a similar situation let me tell you the dad was in and out of prison his WHOLE life. So any visits that will happen not only need to be supervised by you need to "screen" him ahead of time. Be prepared for his going away again. My DD's legal father is in and out for a year and back in for x and out for a year so this loss happens over and over in some situations. Lay down ground rules. No coming to visits under the influence. Keep the first visits short and see how your kids react after. That will be your indicator on if visits should continue. However; they are at an age where if you don't allow the visit they will find a way. You have one that will be driving soon. Not listening to them will only have you with two rebelling teen girls!Poor Dad, I feel sorry for your husband I know that these "other parent issues" are hard. But as parents especially chosen parents we must do whats in the best interests of our children and keeping that connection with their first dad will make the relationship with your husband even stronger. Support him through this.
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I agree with wrking21 - if the girls want to see him, they will find a way. It is better to arrange it in an appropriate, supportive way that you can monitor. And if you are arranging for the visit - you can have an open (age appropriate) conversation with the girls about how/why the visits are being set up in a certain way.
If they have to see him behind your back - they will likely not talk with you about any problems/concerns they have during a visit. But if you are open with them they are more likely to be open with you - and get the support they need to process their feelings about their bdad.
This is a tough one.
Good Luck.
Rikndee,
I agree with the others, they will find a way, if they want to, eventually.
If anything, think of it as good practice for Dad, for when the boyfriends start coming around. It's a somewhat similar scenario. As hard as it is, it's not wise to say to a young lady with love in her heart, you can't see this guy, he's not good for you. Instead meet him, invite him, get the relationship out in the open in front of everyone involved, so the daughters can see it openly too, and make their own decisions. If it's kept taboo, or in the dark, or under security, private, or whatever... usually not good for anyone.