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Hey everyone, so if anyone has read any other of my posts or even if you haven't, I've been going through some very rough times in the past year. It's finally at the point where a decision that is permanent needs to be made. I'll try to be brief so please bear with me. I have been at the point where I no longer wish to work on my marriage. I've felt this way for a little less than a year noa. My husbad (we are currently married but separate) has finally come to the point he wants to decide what to do with the marriage. He is still in hopes things will work out and we'll live happily together. This is not the same for me. I am not afraid to live alone, i want us both to be happy but no longer desire to be together. Unforunately I am not strong enough to say we are done, mainly because it hurts me to say something like that but feel it's for the best. So my question is, do I find the nicest way to say "we're done" or do i make yet a other attempt of living with him and see if that changes anything I feel? Please if anyone has anything to offer I would be most grateful. This is obviously a distressing time but think we're where we need to make a final decision. I don't desire to hurt him but also don't want to hurt myself anymore (emotionally) either.
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Hi k_minlam,
I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot.
One of the most difficult things is to say what you think and feel - and need for yourself - when acknowledging that a situation hurts in itself or when you don't want to hurt someone else. It can be very important to take a deep breath and say to him what you posted above... that you want both of you to be happy and feel it's best to part. If you don't feel strong enough to say that right now, perhaps you could get help from someone who will listen and help you to better trust yourself and speak your truth.
If you decide instead to try again, could you put a condition on it, like only of he attends counseling with you?
What you say about not wanting to hurt yourself anymore (by returning to the relationship) is important. You need to take care of your well-being.
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I agree that it is something I need to say, and remember to breathe. I believe I've grown more in the past year that I can at least say I do not have hatred for my spouse. I will always think he is a fine person and think he deserves being happy and continue to be successful. There are things that I continue to work on which will unforunately take a long time to work through. I don't believe it's fair to anyone to stay with me if there has been a bunch of negative baggage between me and (him). Thus this is a main reason for my decision. Am I being more selfish than I can see or admit to, in myself?
Hi K,You said in the first post of this thread that you don't want to hurt yourself emotionally anymore. You also said things which implied that by experience you already know that staying with him will hurt you emotionally, therefore you don't want to try to work on a marriage again. You want to separate. That sounds to me like self-preservation, self-care, self-respect, not "selfishness." You said you don't want to hurt your husband and that's precisely why it's so difficult for you to tell him what you need. You want him to be happy. Someone who is selfish wouldn't care. It doesn't do you or him any favors to return to a situation that doesn't work. If you want to change the situation, that's one thing (and I'd encourage you both here to seek professional help), but it sounds like you already are well aware of what the "status quo" would be and don't want to go back.
Sitta, You a correct, if I remember correctly you've replied to a previous post of mine as well, for all your time I thank you. My husband and I have attempted a few counseling sessions together and separate, we even had gone to one of his choosing. But he still does not believe counseling is of any benefit. I cannot make him believe in counseling as I would agree is only of benefit if all involved want to continue working on things. He is not hateful about it but honest in what he believes, and I do respect him for that. My parents are very supportive of counseling of course and view it as almost a cure, to a point. So that is probably why I only offered to attend sessions, make appointments, etc but will not force counseling on another as it was with me. Thank you again for your time and insight. It is nice to know there are people here who are willing to provide another insight without judgement.
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Jadedmisery, I am sorry to hear you are going through some similar stuff as I. I hope you and your fiancé are able to work through things sooner than I did in my relationship. As for coping, having a few good friends who I trust and who are kind enough to listen to me on my good and very bad days. But as I'm in the final sessions in school & working, I keep busy enough that I can't allow myself to be overwhelmed with thoughts. I do still have days/nights where all I can do it just get some comfy clothes on and have a good cry. I apologize for the delay in response, but please know I hope the best for you and your relationship. Hope this helps some!