Communication with LOs bmom - Advice please

dmarie, I'm going to think on this for a little while. I know that Kiddo's mom and dad had some really preconceived notions about me, and it has really hurt our relationship. I'm not saying the situation is the same, but I think that if they were seeing things the way you are, things would be better. I just have to think what I want to say lol.

Dmarie, I understand how you would feel having the kids.People into doing drugs are addicts no matter what they say. The only thing important to them is "using."They will do whatever it takes to have access to their "habit." More will surface about the b-moms using. I would allow her to follow what ever pathway she chooses. What has happened as far as the kids are concerned is now a past event, and hopefully any harm that was done will continue to be of low risk.If b-mom wants to continue "using" there is not much that can be done until she decides she has finished her "street business."I wish you the best.

I understand what you're trying to say Drywall. But her use was definitely recreational and not high use. Our agency contact had a conversation begging her to come talk to T if it starts to be a problem so she can help her find help. They have a relationship spanning years at this point. But I disagree that every person who does a drug is an addict. She's definitely using and won't have visits as long as that's the case - not really an issue since we live so far apart.I'm not trying to change her path. I'm just wanting to make sure she doesn't feel she can never contact us again and that is a real possibility. She has tried really hard to craft an image for us and has no idea how much I actually know about her. She's not very internet savy. So my main concern is conveying, that yes drug use is a problem, yes it bothered me, but I haven't written her off as horrible. This is really early in her drug use -she wasn't using during her last pregnancy, so at most this is 14 months of use and it's probably less. I'm not going to join her drama, but I don't want her to feel written off either.

Good advice Drywall,My childrens birth mom and I talk a lot. She is still making poor decisions in her life and I make it a point not to give her advice or pount out her bad judgement sometimes. I just keep it positive and keep it about the kids. I just listen and encourage her the best I can to keep pressing on. Hang in there.

Sorry dmarie, I just reread your post and realized you wanted advice from a birth parents perspective. Good luck anyway and I hope you can maintain your openess with bmom

She's feeling humiliated on many levels.She have you laid out a schedule of when things will happen? Maybe if she knows exactly when things will happen she can trust that you are in this for the long haul.

Belle, we have a schedule for updates and I kept that religiously with LO. In addition, she has my phone, my email and I set up a fb page for LO to share in between the offical updates. She began talking in the hospital about letting the siblings get together when LO is 5. But we didn't really agree on that as who knows where we'll be living at that time and all travel would fall to us. We currently live about 8 to 9 hours apart.Also, early in this pregnancy she wanted to see LO when we came for the birth of LB. We made arrangements to bring her and brought family to watch her while we were at the hospital. Paid for all their travel expenses. Then Bmom decided she didn't want to see LO. In the end, I'm fine with it as I couldn't have left her with family indefinitely anyway. I wanted to bring her, so I'd have needed the family help anyway. But the pattern on phone calls/emails/visits so far is she gets all worked up insisting on something and then changes her mind at the end. On the updates we share, she almost never responds and often goes MIA. Now we know that she was doing drugs during this entire pregnancy and maybe before. So that's probably part of the reason for the sporadic contact. She's done the same with the other APs.We gave them a gift card after the placement (gave it to the agency to send to them). She was talking about wanting to replace the kids bikes for Christmas so we thought she could either use it towards Christmas or for gas or food or whatever she needs. She was supposed to call when she received it, but didn't. I'm thinking maybe I send a quick lighthearted text just checking in and making sure she got it. I think the only thing I can do is just continue the contact I've done in the past as if nothing happened this pregnancy. Our contact is primarily electronic anyway so it's not like it poses any danger for the kids even if her use escalates.ETA: I agree she's feeling humiliated and embarrassed. She didn't realize at the hospital that she tested positive. Apparently they never spoke to her about that. Amazing.

Thanks Belle,I went ahead and sent her a lighthearted text. She called today to wish us Happy Thanksgiving. It felt a little strained and awkward but it was also pretty normal for us.

Dmarie - you did good...it takes a lot of strength to do that when things are *really* awkward and I can't imagine a much more awkward situation than that. Go enjoy your thanksgiving... D