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I used to post here ages ago so it was good to see some familiar names still here. I "reunited" with my child after 18 years in a simiopen situation. Reunion consisted of a few sketchy emails here and there, nothing genuine or heartfelt ever took place. She wasn't ready to let me in nor was she totally ready to let me go so I just had to let go after a few years of that just to preserve my sanity. It was a good choice but a hard one. I needed to reunite with my old self rather, and after some real grief work, I pulled through. Yay! depression was finally lifted and I survived! I had just begun to realize life was good again when there was a knock at my door. Much to my surprise, there was my long lost child standing there. Id moved several times, changed jobs several times over the years so this was totally out of the blue and I was sort of in shock. She said she'd contacted her brother on Facebook and he'd given her my addressI might add, without my knowledge or any warning whatsoever! OK , whatever I thought maybe things have changed and she's ready to start a relationship in earnest. A few days later I sent an email to tell her I was cool with her visit and could we get together again soon now that the ice was broken, you know, just go with it. WRONG! not a word back for over a month then an apology for not answering the email accompanied by a stream of excuses to cover at least until next Spring. This was all too familiar and why I moved on in the first place. I thought I had been set up for disappointment again which seemed cruel and Id never have chosen to risk it again had my son asked first. For someone never interested in his sister or my feelings that was quiet a "jump on in". I wrote her back and told her I didn't have time for her either but if she had asked I'd have managed an hour. A few more testy emails ensued, I told her I understood she didn't have time for me but did she know than when she showed up telling me she missed me? Was there a point? So here I am, no one to vent to. NO one is my present life knows about any of this. I 'm having a hard time revisiting all those old feelings again. I'm writing this because I just felt the need to take a look and what I was feeling before reburying all the crap I had really wanted to stay buried.
THe rewards have NEVER been worth the cost.
It sounds like she's young and still doesn't quite know how to reconcile this herself. I'm sure its hard for both of you. I'm sure your son didn't know what to do when she contacted him and he probably wanted to stay out of it. So he just gave her the info. Guys don't think like us gals. I would have wanted warning too! Poor thing it's not fun to get your feeling torn all over the place.
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What i have learned is that when you try to bury your hurts/feelings, they always have a way of coming back out. It has been 23 years for me and most of it I have been numb. I can't live like that anymore and I personally have been reaching out in every direction. I hope that you and your daughter will one day have a mature relationship and be able to work through the pains that I am sure both of you are carrying.
I've been at this for 40+ years now... I didn't find and connect with my son until he was 32. Since day 1 I have dealt with the emotions in an ongoing way. I never buried them; I compartmentalized them. I would (in my words at the time) pull them out and "work on them" and then stuff them back in the compartment. I have learned that as I go through each stage of my life, I need to reexamine the feeling and events of the past in light of who I am today. Sometimes I do better than others, but my philosophy is that my adoption story is part of who I am. I can never change the decisions I made in 1972, but I do not have to live my life as a victim of those decisions and their results. I do not and have never expected a relationship with my son to heal everything. I love him unconditionally as I always have and would even if he chose never to see or contact me again. Don't think that I have it all together, LOL. I have my ups and downs. There are times of the year that are hard but it passes. I hope that as your daughter matures she will be able to maintain an ongoing relationship. It sounds like her own feelings are too intense at this point. (My son once told me that had we connected when he was 18 or even 25, things would not have gone as well.)
I realize she is young and maybe she thought she was finally ready to start building on a relationship whne she really wasn't. I did express my feelings in a sarcastic way and apologized for that but not for my hurt feelings I did let her know the situation was not her making and understood she was dealing with her own issues. She is bothered by the fact that her parents hid her story from her and that has been my bone of contention with her parents also. They knew I'd be contacting her eventually so why lie? The made it clear in every way that I was a taboo subject in the house. No wonder reunion has been almost impossible for her. We've sort of "made up" around the holidays and agreed to stay in touch now and then, via email. Not my choice but Ive accepted that once again and will never get my hopes up again that it will be anything more. I think I compartmentalize also but if you put it away for too long it gets buried. This is because I go for so long not hearing anything, then I get busy with my life. Im getting back to my life and putting those feeling back in their box. not sure where to go with it from here. I could continue to reach out on occasion but just not sure if I should or if I want to. We said we'd stay in touch and it will be up to me to make sure we do. Not sure if i want it to be up to me.
Well Holly, her adoptive parents will eventually pay the price for making her adoption a taboo subject. I can't imagine hiding that fact ever. Seems dumb and puts a negative connotation on the adoption IMHO. Reunion from what I've read can be this way even if she's known about you all of her life. This whole thing is just hard. Hopefully some of our other first moms who've been in reunion a while can reach out to you. However; I've read the word roller coaster 1000's of times in reference to reunions. Best of luck sweetie.
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It sounds like she's having a lot of issues with her adoption and that little has to do with you personally and unfortunately it's affecting your life. But the problems are hers alone.
If she didn't find out she was adopted until late in life that's very difficult to deal with and there's various layers to that. The sudden influx of questions (about first family), the sudden insecurity about who you are, the betrayal and anger at the adoptive parents for lying, etc. She really should be in therapy for this because it's very difficult to just "get over" on your own. Obviously this is not something you can do for her, she has to decide to go to therapy herself. But it might be something to gently and politely suggest?
A lot of adoptees also feel very torn between their two families. Many feel that seeking out their first family and wanting a relationship is betraying the people that raised them and took them in. This is all the worse when the adoptive family is not supportive of a reunion or adoption in general is taboo which it is in her household. I don't want to assume but in some ways it sounds like she wants a relationship with you but might be receiving a lot of flak and heat from her adoptive family about it which makes her scared and drop contact. This might also be something to gently ask her? She may not even realized that she's being unfairly bullied by her adoptive parents or that she's not betraying them by talking to you, or having her own desires and feelings about her adoption that might not match the 'family narrative' that her adoptive parents have fed her her entire life. Sometimes it's nice to hear that from someone else.
That said, I absolutely understand why you're frustrated. Reunions are incredibly frustrating and heartrending when one side is ready and wants contact and the other is not and is flakey or unwilling.
You need to look after you too. You aren't obligated to hang around being her emotional punching bag while she figures out her issues. If it's affecting you, you need to set boundaries and decide what you're comfortable with and willing to do or not do.
I don't visit this page regularly so responses are delayed. My career is pretty much all consuming but I do have those few moments of being alone to reflect. Im grateful for being able to stay busy, probably by design. Anyway commenting on last post quote "A lot of adoptees also feel very torn between their two families. Many feel that seeking out their first family and wanting a relationship is betraying the people that raised them and took them in". That is the case here from what I can gather. There is also the weirdness factor. She always knew she was adopted but the fact that her parents never admitted they knew all about her background was the lie they told her every time she brought it up and she brought it up a lot. They knew everything about me and contacted me regularly with updates when she was young. They knew I was living never more than a 20 miles away, she had a brother, mom in college. It really ate at her not knowing her story. Having lived with a ghost her whole life, I imagine seeing a ghost face to face would send you running the other way. It did for her, anyway. In order to set boundaries I just have to set them within myself 9not to let it eat at me any longer) as she has set her own not to include me. When and if she decides to contact me again I have to answer . I don't think I could not anwer. I was thrown off guard when she showed up out of the blue and then rejected me again though and my emotional response was to tell her never to contact me again. I didn't say that but I did express my emotions to her about feeling rejected again. I was so angry because I had finally learned to be at peace without the hope of having her in my life. I won't ever reach out to her again but if she wants to contact me I will answer with no expectations. I just wish the communication had been more open and honest. I'd rather have a few moments of honesty then a whole day of superficiality and denial of feelings. If it wasn't so hard for her to open up I guess I wouldn't be here trying to figure her out.
Well it sounds like her parents weren't open about their emotions. Having raised her to be so closed off and denied the true story of her background, I'm sure it has just got that poor girl a mess. Sounds like your doing a great job of handling this most recent disappointment, still being there if she reaches out but setting limits on what your willing to expose yourself to. Sounds about the best you could do. Good luck dear!