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Background:
I live in Atlanta, GA. I was raised by amazing loving parents and always forget that I am adopted until the doctor ask me about my medical history or I hear the word around other people or on tv. I am 24 and I have a brother that was adopted to he is now 27. His birthmother was 14 when she had him she left him a note with her first and last name and apologizing and let him know she will love him forever and he found her on facebook and reconnected with her and his bio sister and met his bio father.( the mother and father were not together)
Every time he would talk about his bio sister it would piss me off when he would call her his sister or refer to his bio mother as his mother. I felt alone and angry that I never found my biofamily. I realized my emotions were because how I was feeling inside and I need to resolve my own issues....A few years went by the feelings were getting stronger to search.
I never wanted to hurt my adoptive parents so I never wanted to ask them any questions in fear of them questioning my loyalty. These were all my own emotional assumptions... (I did end up telling my mom) and she hugged me and welcomed the search with open arms.....
My mom has my information stored away in a place in her bedroom. As a kid I would periodically go and check it out when I got curious and one time when I was 21 I tried search but I was way to emotional and during the search there are a lot of brick walls so I put it back down and have recently picked it back up.
From the information I gathered from my adoptive parents file is my birthmother was 35 when she had me... and registered nurse... and no one in her family knew about the pregnancy... it didn't have any info about the bio dad, I couldn't even tell if he was aware of the pregnancy it was left blank instead of circled.
I contacted the agency and paid $35 for my non id info. I goes into all of the details of my actual birth and goes into more detail about my bio mom and bio dad.
She was 35 at the time of birth, she was from up north, she had a nursing license, and was in a contract job in New Orleans and then came to Atlanta to try out the city. She got robbed 2 months before I was born and she was staying in day shelters and needed a lot of help from DFCS. Living,financial and counseling. DFCS wrote in her file that they believe she was using cocaine but they believe she wouldn't not admit to it due to the possibility of her losing her nursing license. He social worker described her as very bright, independent, and very appealing. He was in shock of the accusations of drug usage because she never appeared to be using them from his prospective. Its documented in my file she moved and checked into rehab after my birth.....
As far as my bio dad, he was 24 at the time of birth, and he was unemployed. DFCS and the court tried to contact him by mail but never received a response from him. Its documents she left his address and full name for my record. (the agency did not disclose his name or address)
Before I received this information I had prepared a letter to request contact. Now having a little more insight on the situation and with drug accusations I no longer know how to approach the situation... to request contact.....
Please give your thoughts.... thank you :)
First of all, I think it's wonderful that your mom has welcomed your search. Good for her - and for you! That really is terrific, and she will hopefully remain supportive as you go through as much of a search as you feel comfortable with at this time. I hope your brother is supportive of your search as well, since he's already reunited with his own birth family. Family support can really help with navigating the emotions of reunion.
I'm not sure that anyone else can tell you how to proceed in this situation. Some would probably argue that you never know what you'll find - but that whatever information you have at the end, you're better off knowing than not. Others would probably say that you're better off not opening the door if you think you'll find an addict on the other side - avoiding the can of worms, as it were. Neither one is necessarily right... or at least, neither one is *more* right than the other. What matters is what you want to do, what's right for YOU.
I will say that it's rare to hear a story in which an adoptee finds their birth mother (or father or extended family) and they're exactly how the adoptee always dreamed. And I say this as someone who's thrilled by my own reunion with my maternal birth family (although not with my birth mother, who passed before I could find her). No matter what we go in hoping for, we run the risk of running into all sorts of tough-to-handle issues: history of drug abuse, obviously... sickness... death... rejection... refusal to admit the truth... suicide... (There are lots of positives, too, of course: we can find acceptance, peace, understanding, answers, family, love...)
But reality in search/reunion can be tough... even the best reunions have to be carefully negotiated (by both sides) to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc. Like any other relationship, really.
Me, I'm the kind of person who likes answers. Or really, the kind who NEEDS answers. So I would have charged ahead regardless. But I definitely would have tried to prepare myself as much as possible for some worst-case scenarios - I'm sure you could imagine some fairly negative outcomes, and they're what have brought you here, looking for ideas and support. I also would have thought of ways to protect myself and my family from what I might find... for example, providing a dedicated email address + a cell phone # for contact, instead of my home address/phone #, in case I discovered someone who truly became a threat. You may come up with other things that increase your comfort level when it comes to continuing your search... if you choose to continue at all.
It's okay to take some time to process what you've learned and not charge ahead at top speed. It's okay to table this for a while. It's okay to decide you don't want to know anything more, at all. It's okay to move forward immediately, too. Again - what matters here is how you are feeling.
Good luck sorting that out. I wish you luck, however you decide.
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Thank you for you support it really does mean a lot!
I am currently waiting to speak to a person at the registry about how to proceed.
I have her first name and DOB do you know anyways to find more info ??
thanks