Why resent things in common with birth mother?

Envy? Resentment? It's hard to say. I had a weird experience with my birthmother as well. She was not adopted....it sounds like your mother was. Maybe I have read something wrong. She was showing me all this jewelry that my brother bought her. It was like it was a big secret. It was almost like she was eyeballing me to see if my eyes lit up. I am not really into things like that. Another time she said you should check out the linen closet that's where the inheritance is. I was stunned. I have no idea what she thought I was after but it was shocking to me. Then she went on a tirade about my father's mother and my Aunt (my father's sister) who by the way has never said a harsh word about her. She would say things that were very hateful and bitter; then it started about my father when he was sick. I would never tell my brothers because I believe they would think I was making it up. It's like she saved her venom for me. All of the people who she felt judged by she slammed to me. I have never met my father's mother she died long before I found them. I finally had to stop contact before I lost my temper with her. No point in that.

Many things could be coming into play.You say she has always enjoyed being the independent one in her family. It sounds like she enjoyed being unique. She meets you and learns that biology does, in fact, play a role in our interests and personalities, even when we we are raised apart from our biological relatives.Learning that may have been painful to her. Maybe it made her aware of what she lost. Or, maybe it upset her because you're trying to make a connection with her now, and she may harbor some pain that you didn't try to keep the connection with her decades ago.She may be upset that you can go on all of these great trips. And, she may see it as you having chosen a better lifestyle over her.When you are raised to believe that biology isn't important (as most adoptees have been raised to believe), it can be difficult to see that many interests aren't unique to us and actually have biological roots.It really is hard to say. I have a feeling that her reasons are complex, and she may not be able to fully articulate them.

I don't know if anyone can answer this except your biological daughter.I think L4R raised a few good possibilities, though. Everyone handles reunion differently, and adoptees often have so many emotions mixed together that it can be tough to even *name* them all, let alone handle them.She may have some pain/sadness/bitterness/anger/frustration/confusion/etc that's coming to the front when she speaks with you. And she may not be fully conscious of how it's leaking into her interactions with you...Time and space (to get things straight in her own head) may be what she needs here... but it's fair for you to ask, once, if there's something she'd like to hear from you/let you know, because (obviously) you'd like to forge a strong relationship and would like to make sure you're on the same page. Then sit back and listen, if she has anything to say to that. Hopefully, with an honest opening like that, she'll be able to speak calmly and kindly and things will be able to be worked out to both of your benefit.Good luck.

Thanks for your responses. Yes I do think it is very complex, she once said she always felt different in her family and didn't have good relationship with her afather. I did pick up things were going on with her when she started making narky remarks and I tried to find out her feelings a few times but her reactions ranged from defensive, to saying everything was fine but being passive aggessive, then blurting out that things I had said or done since we met were responsible for her negitive reactions - things that were not intended by me the way she perceived them to be. I guess this is what you call "putting up blocks". I told her from my side what happened to me and that I had no support to keep her. Because I am not a fan of her birth father or his mother and gave her an accurate account of why - she seemed to resent that. Her relationship with him is now better than with me. She takes after his side of the family in looks and personality. Maybe she was looking for another father figure all along. The last time I spoke to her and after some passive agressive contact, I finally asked her if she had had any counselling and she defensively said yes, and her issues had all been well taken care of or she would have tumors everywhere, but didn't blame her being left in the hosptial as the reason. Also said she did drugs in her Uni years she went right down to 48kgs and had to beg her friends not to commit her because she was going mad! All this was said in a very off the cuff way so I wasn't sure if it was just drama. She then twisted it around to infer that I have issues because I expect too much of her and that triggers her. Her personality is brash, prone to anger and I witnessed abrupt personality changes so I was afraid to ask any more questions. I don't think I will hear from her again and if I do what on earth do I say to her? I would have liked to help her but she was resentful of that and I felt I was just being used to take things out on. I don't mean to vent but it was the strangest experience I have ever gone through. I was over the moon when I got her first letter.. it's sad.

I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say that will help improve things for you. Familial relationships, in general, can be very trying on one's patience. Add to that the ultra-thick layers of adoption-related issues on all sides, and the relationships become even more complex and difficult to navigate.I do, however, have a suggestion for you. There are ways to tell your version of events without blaming or attacking the paternal side of your daughter's family. I'm not saying it is easy to do, but it is possible to do it.You say that you're not a fan of her father or his mother, and then you also say that your daughter looks like his side of the family and has his personality. That must be really difficult for you. You're not a fan of his, yet your daughter resembles him (or other family members) and has some of their personality traits.Keep in mind that you have to tread lightly when it comes to the other parent and relatives. We share half of our DNA with each of our parents, so it sometimes feels like a personal attack. And, it may have felt that way, even more, to your daughter because she is so similar to him in many ways.Navigating in reunion is difficult, and often we are at cross purposes and often also have preconceived ideas of how reunion will go, which create additional challenges.If I were you, I would probably keep the lines of communication open by sending her occasional letters or emails on her birthday, during the holidays, etc. Let her know that you are thinking about her.I wish the two of you the best.

Does she feel like you are not really listening to her? Maybe she needs you to focus on what she is telling you without hearing about your corresponding story right now. Try waiting until she asks you a question about you. You might try saying, Is there anything you want to know about your biological story... She may just be looking for a sign that you are interested in her. She may feel you are trying to one up her rather than just being happy for her.

Yes L4R thank your for this acknowledgement - you have knocked the nail on the head there - yes it has been incredibly difficult, expecially when she started involving me in her interactions with him, what he said, what a good memory he had of the events, how lovely he was about me (huh?)... she asked me what personal things about my life I would like to share with him because he was curious how I was etc..the last time I saw him was 25 years ago in the street and he ignored me. I found it especially challenging as he is very well off with a successful career, is married now and has an very nice lifestyle living overseas. The comparison was not something I was interested in being reminded about and sending regards to me felt like he was trying to make himself out to be the good guy - well it worked she fell for it all and has spent time staying with them. On top of all the other things she has said to me and her inconsistent personality it was just all too confusing. Yes, Kakuehl I did stop listening - it was too painful. Thanks for your support, it is good to talk it out... and wishing you all a Happy Christmas.

When I first contacted my mother, I made it clear to her that I needed my father's name.... She agreed to give it to me IF I promised not to reveal anything about her or her life to him.I agreed. After all, the only connection the two of them have to one another is me. So, if you do have the opportunity to talk with your daughter again in the future, maybe you can just clarify your boundaries with her. You want her to know that you want to know her, but your relationship with her father is in the past, and that is where you want it to stay.