Taking a break from reunion is the most heartbreaking thing I've experienced

I am sorry things didn't work out for Christmas. I can relate to waiting for calls that don't come. Hopefully this is just a wrinkle and she will come around. My advice is based on my own experience. Don't let yourself get too wrapped up in something you can't control. It's up to her really. I spent far too much time preoccupied waiting and wondering what I had done or what was going on with my birth family. I don't regret contact but I do get a little ticked off mostly with myself for being totally preoccupied for far too long with people who didn't seem to appreciate what they were offered. You gave them an opportunity to makes things right and to have a chance to meet you and explain themselves. It's sad but some people can't seem to understand how cruel it is to withdraw slowly leaving you scratching your head. Do what's best for you and try to look at things based on the fact that at least you tried. You did what you could to build some sort of relationship. Don't spend endless hours mulling it over. I regret that. It was a waste of time. There is no way I can know what was going on in my birth mother's head. She was the one who seemed to pull away all the while pretending to my brothers and father that everything was fine.

I am sorry things didn't work out with your Christmas plans. I am on the other end of a similar situation. My son says that he loves me and wants to be a part of my and my other son's life but he waits weeks or months to respond to messages and so far has declined to meet us. We're going on 2 years of "reunion." Every couple of months I send him a message just to say "Hi! I'm thinking about you." Then I try not to stress or obsess over whether he responds or not. That's easier said than done though. (((hugs)))

As you have stated, your b-mom has had a lot on her plate this year:* Two of her siblings died* She lost her job* She moved* You initiated a reunion with herAny one of the above is considered a huge life stressor. And, she's been hit with at least five major stressors this past year.I know that it hurts when people make commitments that they do not keep. Believe me! I know. My own b-mom has failed to keep commitments....You have to do what you think is right for you and your family. But, I personally would keep the lines of communication open with your b-mom. She's had an extraordinarily hard year. And, losses can be especially painful during the holidays. She lost two siblings, and she may be beginning to fully realize all that she lost by not being able to raise you.Personally, I would just let her know that I cared and check in with her periodically to see how she's doing. She may just need some time to sort through some things. But, again, this year sounds like it was a hellish one for her.

It sounds like your birth mother has had one hell of a year. I wouldn't be surprised to find that she needs a bit of time and space to simply process all that's gone on.Not that it's fair to you for her to cancel plans and flake... It's perfectly okay for you to back off to protect your own family, but it might be a bit premature for you to cut off all contact at this point. If you can find a way to keep the line of communication open without constantly getting your hopes up, and give her some time and space to come to terms with her recent losses and changes, she may well be able to return to more contact in time.I hope that happens for you.

Thanks everyone. I haven't cut the lines of communication completely, and was planning on checking with her periodically. As hard as it is, I do feel I've made the right decision (for my family, for me personally I think I would have kept hanging onto the slim hope that "she'll call today.....or tomorrow") as my kids are seeming more at peace (wouldn't say happier, but they seem to accept what's going on) and don't ask constantly when we're going to see her, or stay at her house (yes, that is how much contact we WERE having!). However, now I have another issue. My amum is pissed about bmum backing away. She was also pissed that I contacted her in the first place - she has a sense of ownership over me (sounds harsh, but it's the truth). So, as much as I hate to admit it, I've been hacking her facebook account to see if she's been talking to her (all 3 of us are fb friends, and it's since my mums met that bmum has cooled off). She hasn't, but she has been completely abusing her to her other friends in private messages - horrible, hurtful words. Plus, she's posting publicly cute little sayings about how wonderful it is to be a mum. Possibly nothing wrong with the latter.....except that is NOT her! She never shows motherly affection like that so I KNOW it's to dig at my bmum. Terrified that bmum will run further due to this, but don't know what to do........

Hi 10 - I am sorry your first Christmas in reunion was rocky. You have only been in each others lives since July so it has been really full-on and including the whole family. A few things stood out in your posts that I may be able to provide some insight into as a birth mother. I too didnҒt have any other children and I found it really hard to relate to my birth daughter although she was an adult, let alone if she had children my grandchildren, I think I would feel pretty overwhelmed. Like, for instance what Christmas presents do I buy? What do they like? I don֒t know because they are really strangers. Your Bmum has lost her job can she afford to buy you all the presents she would like to for instance? Even though you have had a lot of contact by the sound of it since you met, it is not the same as her bringing you up and watching your children grow from babyhood. The realisation of that loss could be overwhelming her at the moment on top of a hard year with death in her family. Also, she didnt call on Christmas day, but werenҒt you seeing your Amum on Xmas day? Perhaps Bmum felt she would be crossing boundaries to call you but couldnt say so without risk of offence. Why didnҒt you just call her and take the pressure off? I felt myself go cold when you spoke about Facebook and that you are all friends on it. I am so sorry to say this but what your Amum is doing is bullying tactics which seem to have worked. As birth mothers we are very vulnerable to what others think/say about us in reunion. We can feel the judgment coming from the Aparents who are often jealous. I am mentioning this because unless you have gone through it yourself the feelings that come up for a birth mother are very difficult to understand. It is so hard to open up and go through trauma again answering your birth daughter's questions, to try and form a relationship only to be subjected to vindictive behaviour by others in the triad who have a vested interest in your relationship not succeeding. Self preservation kicks in and a birth mother can feel so devastated that she backs away completely. She may have thought although she had lost her siblings this year that you contacting her was the saving grace of her life, but now it is being ruined (in her mind) because your Amother HATES her! I may be overly dramatic but I am talking about feelings that come up which are somewhat irrational. I really feel for her because as a birth mother you feel totally powerless your reunion depends on the good graces of others and if you put a foot wrong you can be judged, ridiculed and rejected. Your Bmum can֒t say any of this to you of course because she needs to process all these feelings and its not fair to pour them out on you. You are looking at things from your perspective and righly so. It sounds like you do know your Amum very well and are very aware. Good on you for hacking her Facebook.:) I suggest having a serious talk with Amum and tell her that no matter what she feels about Bmum what she is doing is just not on. Suggest to your Amum if she is hurting perhaps therapy would help her Җ you could even go along as support. Speak to Bmum and tell her you know Amum has been sending jealous vibes (dont go into details about Facebook please) and that you would still like to have Bmum in your life. Sometimes birth mothers feel that their birth children donҒt really need them they have the adoptive mum and family so feel a bit surplus to requirements. Have you spoken to Bmum about why you searched and what she means to you? If you would like to PM me to chat further I֒m here to help.

Hi Ultrea,Just a quick note to say thanks for this insight, even though I'm not the person whose question you were answering.

Thanks Ultrea for the insight and the compassionate ear. Do you really think I should talk to bmum about amums jealousy? I ask because I had been in two minds about this. I was tempted, but then I worried that bmum would think I was quick to disrespect my amum if I did so (does that make any sense?) You know, I don't think I have actually told her why I decided to find her, and if I'm honest I don't think I really knew at the time. It just felt right, like an innate need. Of course there are things driving that need which I'm more aware of now. I think I will tell her that! Thanks :)

Thanks! Just glad I can be of assistance! Yes I guess it's difficult to say whether to tell her or not. It depends on how you say it and how she takes it. I think letters and emails can be misconstrued sometimes. I wouldnt go into details about your AmumҒs jealously you dont want to scare her off further Җ maybe when you have the opportunity to speak to her just say you were worried Amum had put her off - along the lines of I was wondering if she offended you in any way, she can be a bit territorial but IӒm sure she will get over it - make it a bit light, not disrespectful. I was also thinking that because your reunion has been so swift with lots of contact and your children attaching to your birth mom so quickly that Amum would feel a bit blindsided. It would hurt, like birth mom is taking over her family. Perhaps you can reassure your Amum that is not the case. Also, I donԒt think it is always necessary to involve Amum in the contact between you and Bmum - if you know what I mean? It can cause conflict hearing all about your contact (or lack of it) and now Amum is angry because Bmum has backed away it֒s really not any of her business in a way. I only say this because there is a fine line between keeping communication open between all sides and INVOLVING the other party in all your interactions. Its a difficult juggling act for you. For example Җ I gave my birth daughter information to help find her birth father but I didnt want personal information of mine to be relayed to him. Because she was so focussed on her needs at the time she didnҒt quite HEAR me and she did just that. I knew because she then came back cross questioning things I had told her about her relinquishment. She also told me her mother was making her reunion with me incredibly difficult even though we had been in reunion for over 2 years and I had sent cards of praise to her Amum. There was no reassurance that things would change either. It felt like she was gossiping back and forth. It was all very confusing and hurtful and I just couldnt be involved in all the drama that unfolded. I didnҒt want any conflict with anyone. Also, have you spoken to your birth mother about your birth father? Could it be her partner is finding it all a bit confronting now that she has a sudden family and he is not the main focus as he was before you came into her life? Im just surmising here itҒs hard to know the whole story and she may not even be sure of why she is feeling overwhelmed, she could be undergoing therapy at the moment to heal buried grief which she didnt deal with at the time combined with recent grief of losing her siblings. Be patient, your reunion is young and you all need the time to find your feet. All the best... :wings: