At a loss no contact this Christmas

I wouldn't write her and tell her you don't want any more contact. You don't know what's going on in her life. She could be having trouble at work, with her kids, in her marriage. She could be ill. You don't know why she didn't send you a card this year. My son takes weeks to respond to me if he even does respond. I send him notes for his birthday and Christmas. It's very hit and miss whether he wishes me a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday. I know how painful it is to not be acknowledged by your child during the holidays/birthdays?etc. Still, I'm his mother so I feel it's my job to let him know I love him and am thinking about him whether or not he reciprocates that. That's my 2 cents anyway.

I appreciate your reply . I was looking for advice really . I don't want to write and say I don't want any contact. I get your points . It is just so hard waiting and not knowing . All I ever get from her is that one card once a year . So it is a year long wait . I know I don't know what is going on and that makes it harder always thinking that she might have a problem . I also realise I cannot put my hurt on her . She is the innocent party . I just so wish I could have the chance to explain . Thank you for your comments they do help .

I appreciate your reply . I was looking for advice really . I don't want to write and say I don't want any contact. I get your points . It is just so hard waiting and not knowing . All I ever get from her is that one card once a year . So it is a year long wait . I know I don't know what is going on and that makes it harder always thinking that she might have a problem . I also realise I cannot put my hurt on her . She is the innocent party . I just so wish I could have the chance to explain . Thank you for your comments they do help .

I appreciate your reply . I was looking for advice really . I don't want to write and say I don't want any contact. I get your points . It is just so hard waiting and not knowing . All I ever get from her is that one card once a year . So it is a year long wait . I know I don't know what is going on and that makes it harder always thinking that she might have a problem . I also realise I cannot put my hurt on her . She is the innocent party . I just so wish I could have the chance to explain . Thank you for your comments they do help .

I completely agree with you Gwen72. We all think as per the thought cloud above our head and never consider the other people situations. She might be having her own world of thoughts and priorities as well. If you really want her to step then go for meeting in physical and spend some quality time.

I get what you are going through as my situation is similar. I have had to "give up" and moved on more than once. The relationship always felt so one sided. Add to that the feeling of being an intruder always in the back of my mind. Actually, I have "given up" on some level and I don't fret when I don't hear from her any more. She's busy she says and I have to accept that the relationship will never live up to the ideal. In my current state of "giving up", if I feel like sending a greeting I just do without concerning myself with how it might be received. Another thing i've had to accept is my inability to totally give up on her. I couldn't do that any more than I could chop off my leg. She is part of me despite the situation being less than ideal.

I'm just going to add something about Christmas cards - sometimes I just don't send any out. Like this year, I have a 6 week old and a 15 month old - no cards went out at all and I only made a few calls on Christmas day because I was sick. I'm in reunion with my dad, so he is one of the calls on Christmas day, but we've had much more contact than you have with your daughter.If I were her, if it was a year I didn't send cards for whatever reason, I probably wouldn't send a special card for you separately. I don't mean that to hurt. Whatever prevented me from sending the big batch of cards, would prevent that one too. I feel for you. You are in my thoughts. And I hope that someday, you get to speak with her.

Victoria - my heart goes out to you. This situation has been going on for 14 years if I read it correctly? One card a year at best - you should be commended for your patience and resolve! I am a birth mother and I honestly think that for your own peace of mind the time has come for you to write her a letter – not too heavy but stating that you would like to be part of her life in a more regular way than just swapping cards once a year and ask her what she would like to happen. She is an adult after all. Would she like to meet and have a relationship with you? She may not realise that you are waiting and wishing for every card and doesn’t realise she is leaving you hanging on. Ask her to do a bit of soul searching but to please respond within a reasonable amount of time because you are waiting to hear back from her. That way you will know where you stand a bit better. You are her birth mother and it is of benefit to HER to have you in her life as well don’t forget. If there is no answer – well that’s your answer. It is fair enough then to stop sending the cards so no need to write that you won’t contact her again - and I don’t think anyone would blame you because you had done all you could to clarify things. First take the time to think about what you really want. Are you happy to stay on the outskirts of her life? I think that birth children sometimes forget we are people behind the cards and enjoy the attention at the time because there is no expectation that they need to reciprocate really. Plus in this day and age with internet contact you can be friends for years with people in a very superficial way on Facebook for instance, so it is different now to how we were brought up.

Victoria, I am a male adoptee so probably should not comment at all, and yet I can't help but understand how you feel.My suggestion, for your evaluation, is to send her an open ended card.In my thots it should be short, and sweet." ...I thot about you over the holidays and wanted you to know that I love you and will always be here for you." Love. Mom.That way she understands that even if she didn't send a card, your feelings for her have not changed. You are leaving any communication up to her. Also, because she didn't send a card doesn't mean that there are any changes in her feelings.I wish you the best.

Thank you for all your replies it's so nice not to feel alone . It has helped to listen to you all. Yesterday ,Saturday in the UK I got a card from my daughter she apologised for being late and said she had been busy at work . She told me what her job is she has never told me that before . She also said she looks forward to hearing from me every year . Maybe I should drop her a line between her birthday which is Feb and Christmas . Small steps but big ones to take . Thank you again all of you xxxxx

Aaha... excellent! She must have picked up your thoughts on some level! Definately respond without delay because she had admitted things to you and will expect a warm response. It may just be the right time for her now if she admitted she looks forward to receiving your cards. You could even just casually ask her how she would feel about possibly having more contact or meeting you for instance. Good luck.

I agree with Ultrea. Glad to hear that you heard from her and it was postive! Keep us posted!