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I'm the wife of an adopted husband. Hopefully I can get some question answered and they can help my husband.
My husband was adopted when he was 8 months old. At the age of 15 his birth mother told him he was adopted. That same day she called the birth dad on the phone & had my husband speak to him. During the convo he found out he had a younger sister. HIs mother did this without involving his adopted dad until it was done with, it caused some heartache but they got through it.
Fast forward 27 years (present day). My husband contacted his sister thru Facebook. We learned that she's been searching for him all her life but never had success. 4 weeks ago they met for the first time in 40 years. Since then they keep in contact thru phone, text, FB and visits and plan on staying in contact. Since they have met my husband is wanting meet his bio-dad. His sister says she's not sure what the bio-dad's feelings are in regards to that. She said growing up, he would never bring up my husband or allow anyone to speak about him in front of him or to his sister. The sister says he was distraught because of how he was denied his son. My husband's mom left when she was pregnant and never went back. The bio-dad has hard feelings towards my husband's birth mom's family and her. His sister says the bio-dad asks about my husband here and there and that he's very happy that his 2children have made contact and have each other in their lives now.
Sorry so long - wanted to give a little background. My question is this: His bio-dad has a facebook page and my husband looks at it constantly. Would I be stepping over my boundaries by messaging his bio-dad and ask him if he has any interest in meeting my husband? The reason I ask is I don't want my husband to go into this with his hopes high and they get knocked down. So I guess in other words I want to get an answer from the "horse's mouth". And if his answer is not what my husband wants to hear I can maybe talk my husband out of it? I don't know what to tell him to do! He's thought about messaging him himself like he did with his sister but he didn't go thru with it because he didn't want to get a negative response.
What to do?
Thanks in advance and good luck to you all in your new chapters in life!!
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We all know that "it" can go either way. I would suggest just letting it be and when or if your husband is actually read to take the risk and reach out - then he will do it on his terms.
If your husband asks you to do it then that is different.
Regardless if you want to do it to spare him pain a rejection is painful...you can't make it go away by being the in-between - in reality if rejection happened when you reached out - you could make it worse for your husband by creating "what if I had reached out - would the outcome be different" type of scenarios running through his head...
The only thing I think you should do is tell your husband about the "other" folder on facebook and how any message sent can go there and never be seen...and he should see if he has any messages sitting there as well.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Well, now, FB allows you to pay $1 to send a message, so it will go directly into the regular message section. So, if your husband does decide to message his b-father on FB, he should consider doing it that way.I would not recommend going behind your husband's back. When he is willing to take the emotional risk, he will. I know you just want to help alleviate the pain. But, for many adoptees, we need to feel some control during the search and reunion process. We had no say (no control) in our adoptions, so it is best to allow your husband to process this according to his time frame.
It's a natural urge to meet ones biological father. But first he should try to get in touch with social network sites to avoid any unwanted consequences. As the other member said, one may use the inbuilt platform from FB to have a beginning and then can proceed with physical meeting in future.