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So our niece hasn't even been transferred to our home and it seems like Bmom (my BIL's Ex GF) is trying to prevent it.
We are working on getting our homestudy and everything else finalized to have M transferred from foster care to our home. Last week the CW let us have M for an overnight visit. The GAL recommended this to help us all adjust and make sure we wouldn't change our minds about taking her. Everyone agreed that it would be best not to tell Bmom about the overnight visit as she may be upset that M is being placed with us and do something when we had her overnight.
It turns out we were right to worry about Bmom being upset about the overnight visit. Yesterday I got a call from the CW and she said Bmom had reported that while we had M overnight we let my Bdad come over for an unauthorized visit. THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE LIE! I don't even know how Bmom found out about the visit and she wouldn't tell the CW who she heard this from.
The CW said they aren't taking the accusation seriously as Bmom has no evidence this happened or even a source of where she claims to have heard it from. Hopefully this won't have any effect on M being placed with us, but I guess these are the kinds of things we are going to have to expect when we have M. I am so infuriated to be accused of something I didn't do.
Has anyone else had Bioparents tell lies about you? Were they ever taken serious or have any effect on you placement?
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Yes, I have, and many people have had BPs tell lies about me. They were not believed. This could be good, as already establishes her as willing to lie. Other lies may seem less likely to be true.
The real problems begin when SWs start telling lies. Some aren't, but some are believed in that case. This should NOT be a problem for you, as being a relative is "good" in the eyes of the department, and "good" in the eyes of the statistics they want.
And, do you mean the baby's Bdad? Or your personal father? I think baby's Bdad.
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It does happen, yes. The good news is that the CW is on to her, and is requiring proof of accusations. Some CW do not, and they will believe anything. This could be a crazy ride for your family. Hugs.
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My kids' parents lied on me on all the time and I'm presuming still would if they had visits. The SSW would mention she heard a crazy story, I'd ask what it was and she'd say "it was something about X but I stopped listening." If the SSW is on your side you should be fine but I'd send an email confirming your firm denial of the allegation so that there's a paper trail.
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I meant the baby's biodad, my Brother-in-law.
And yest the CW is on to her. This is not Bmom's first experience with CPS and definitely not the first time she has lied to them.
Funny thing is that we did not have a bad relationship with bmom before and she even asked if we would be willing to take her child when this situation started.
I think now that bmom and bdad have split up she feels like it hurts her case if M is placed with bdad's family.
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kinshipq
I meant the baby's biodad, my Brother-in-law.
And yest the CW is on to her. This is not Bmom's first experience with CPS and definitely not the first time she has lied to them.
Funny thing is that we did not have a bad relationship with bmom before and she even asked if we would be willing to take her child when this situation started.
I think now that bmom and bdad have split up she feels like it hurts her case if M is placed with bdad's family.
Does it? Are you willing to be fair, or are you going to use your power to favor your BIL?
My ex-husband was abusive, and he manipulated the system, and since my kids got placed with his family, it doesn't matter that the only thing I did "wrong" was be a low-income single mom. My guess is that the Bmom has heard similar stories, that she's scared you're going to take her ex's side, allow him total access to the kids while locking her out, maybe even badmouthing her to her kids.
Have you talked to her about it? Email? Facebook? Anything you can do to assure her will save you on drama in the long run.
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When we had our now AD as a foster child Mom called the CW and told her that our AD had been in the emergency room and admitted to the hospital. The CW called and asked if anything had happened with AD and then told me about the phone call she had gotten from Mom. :arrow:
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Bioparents lie, unfortunately. I can't tell you how many times we've had PI's show up unannounced at our house for 'accusations' that the bio parents have made about us. Ridiculous accusations like we discipline by punching our kids in the nose, strangle them, burn them, or starve them. One crazy parent said that we put 'squash' on her sons knee as punishment. Huh???
The good thing about accusations is that, when there are no burn marks, strangulation marks, broken bones, bruises, the child has gained weight while in your care, and learned to read, and tell the caseworkers that they feel safe here and don't ever want to leave, the biological parents cases kind of fizzle out and they are proved to be liars.
I get why bios are upset - really I do - but don't take it out on the foster parent who is loving your child and giving them every opportunity they possible can.
We've never had a child taken over accusations -rightly so. If you are doing nothing wrong, don't worry about it. Better go above and beyond to be stellar in appearances, though, because situations like this can turn ugly.
How old is M? Could she deny or refute accusations, if it comes down to that in the future?
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eomaia
Have you talked to her about it? Email? Facebook? Anything you can do to assure her will save you on drama in the long run.
I have to say that although this is a nice thought, I disagree with it as a practical suggestion for someone in the middle of a family placement.
Contact with the parents about the case outside of approved channels can easily open you up to perceptions that you are attempting to influence the mother, offering her reassurances that could appear to be in exchange for cooperative behavior or taking sides with her against the other parent. Getting yourself involved in a situation where it could turn into her word against yours, where you have to give out personal contact information, or where your interactions can't be monitored for appropriateness can open you up to a world of trouble.
If you want to talk to Mom, I would suggest asking your worker to set up a meeting or to pass a note along to her, to avoid the appearance of impropriety. :)
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eomaia
Does it? Are you willing to be fair, or are you going to use your power to favor your BIL?
My ex-husband was abusive, and he manipulated the system, and since my kids got placed with his family, it doesn't matter that the only thing I did "wrong" was be a low-income single mom. My guess is that the Bmom has heard similar stories, that she's scared you're going to take her ex's side, allow him total access to the kids while locking her out, maybe even badmouthing her to her kids.
Have you talked to her about it? Email? Facebook? Anything you can do to assure her will save you on drama in the long run.
We have no power to favor one side or the other. All the power is held by the parents as it is up to them to complete their case plans and make the changes necessary to get their child back.
Even with M in our custody all visits must still be arranged with the CW and held at their office so Bdad doesn't get anymore visitation than Bmom.
As far as talking to her about it outside of child services I think it would only be adding fuel to the fire. If she really is only scared about being shut out by us she should have expressed her concerns to the CW instead of making false allegations.
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I, too, was a kinship placement on the bdad's side. J's bm felt threatened.. seemed to assume the entire family was plotting to help my cousin steal her baby away. The lies and accusations were rampant.
4 years later, we've adopted and have a better relationship with the bm that with my cousin. Communcatoln and boundaries were key. But we were unable to do that until the oa was mediated. Hang in.. it may be bumpy for a bit,, but It can work out
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