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My daughter is in her 20s, we've been communicating a little by email and texts. We've both said how we wanted a real relationship. All along I have felt the best thing is to let her determine when, if and how we ever have more. I understand she has to be ready. I'm scared too.
A couple weeks ago she sent me a very emotional, angry message. She did apologize, but it was not necessary, I want her to tell me how she feels and ask her questions, I will love her the same no matter what. I know she's hurting.
I know that she wants to talk to me. She has said so multiple times. So I made the decision to be the grown up and make the call. I told her I was going to, so I couldn't back out. She even told me when to call.
But then she didn't answer. I called again the next day. She didn't answer. The next day, she said she would answer, but then text me her phone was dying.
I'm not going to give up on her. Do I call her every day until she picks up? Do I try next week? If she's not ready and I keep calling will she get mad and stop communicating at all? I don't know what to do.
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That's difficult to answer. While adoptees have many similarities, we also are individuals, and I'm sure each of us would want to handle the situation in different ways.But, since she's not been answering, it is clear that she is not yet ready. Is she still answering your emails and texts? If so, ask her when she wants you to call next. Then, call her at that time. She may not answer. Then, the next time you communicate, ask her when she wants you to call. Call at that time. So many things could be going on right now. But, she COULD be testing you to see if you're going to leave. I think it's great that you are giving her some control over the situation. I would probably keep doing that for now. Let her determine days and times to call and follow through with your commitment to call, even if she doesn't answer.
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As an adoptee I would NOT be testing my natural mother to see if she will stick around. That is an unfair test to put on this relationship. If there is a set time to communicate then I would be available at that time. Who knows what your daughter is doing at this time. If you were to keep calling me without me responding, I would get mad at you. Have you researched reunions? Good luck
I agree with you, Tankeryanker. But, adoptees who "test" their parents usually aren't doing it consciously. It's a fear-based response. I also agree with you that I would get upset if someone kept calling me even after I didn't respond. But, the way I read missboo's comments indicated to me that she was calling at mutually agreed upon times.
As an adoptee I find the closer I get to my mum the sadder I feel about being adopted. The whole process of reunion makes it very clear (to me at least) just how much was relinquished, and the closer I become to my birth family the more disconnected I feel to both families. She could be needing some space, but not sure how to say it (it's easier just to dodge calls). Good luck x
Also, maybe she's feeling guilty/bad/embarrassed/ashamed about her 'angry' email.
missboo123
My daughter is in her 20s, we've been communicating a little by email and texts. We've both said how we wanted a real relationship. All along I have felt the best thing is to let her determine when, if and how we ever have more. I understand she has to be ready. I'm scared too.
A couple weeks ago she sent me a very emotional, angry message. She did apologize, but it was not necessary, I want her to tell me how she feels and ask her questions, I will love her the same no matter what. I know she's hurting.
I know that she wants to talk to me. She has said so multiple times. So I made the decision to be the grown up and make the call. I told her I was going to, so I couldn't back out. She even told me when to call.
But then she didn't answer. I called again the next day. She didn't answer. The next day, she said she would answer, but then text me her phone was dying.
I'm not going to give up on her. Do I call her every day until she picks up? Do I try next week? If she's not ready and I keep calling will she get mad and stop communicating at all? I don't know what to do.
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I'm curious, Missboo, have you managed to catch your daughter for a phone call yet?I'm glad you said you wouldn't give up... I wish I could hear that sort of sentiment from my own birth mother!(Unfortunately, she passed before I found her.)I'm just wondering if she's been reachable. I hope, for both of your sakes, you've been able to connect...
emerald23
I'm curious, Missboo, have you managed to catch your daughter for a phone call yet?
I'm glad you said you wouldn't give up... I wish I could hear that sort of sentiment from my own birth mother!
(Unfortunately, she passed before I found her.)
I'm just wondering if she's been reachable. I hope, for both of your sakes, you've been able to connect...
So to update my story. We never had that phone call. Yet she is here, visiting me and my family in our home. My husband flew her out here as a surprise and it has made me so happy! I got to hear her tell me that she loves me, we have cried and laughed together and just enjoying getting to know each other. It's been a little awkward at times, and I have a hard time knowing what to say. I'm worried about how it will be to have to let her go again, but I will hold on to her now while I can!
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It really was. Having her around was such a blessing. And I have a beautiful picture of the two of us. The day she was to go back home, I woke up remembering the last time I had to say goodbye to her. I couldn't talk much for trying to keep from crying. I've been really depressed and missing her so much all over again. To add to that she's going through a tough time at home and there's nothing I can do to help her. But we have a real relationship now, and I am so thankful for that! I think the visit has helped her tremendously. She knows now how badly I wanted her, and how much I have always loved her. I know that I will see her again.