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A little back story:
I have known since I was a child that my Mom gave my sister up for adoption when I was 2, actually make that half sister. We have different dad's. When I was 7 my Mom had my younger sister with the same guy she had (the baby she had adopted out) with, so they are full sisters. The whole adoption thing never bothered me, I had a little sister to torment so I never really felt like I had missed anything. Growing up I had wished I was the only child. actually, because my sister was such a brat. My Mom raised us as a single mom.
Right now I am 23, my sister will be 17 in a few days. And the baby my Mom gave up is now 21. A few years back I found her on facebook and we began to get to know one another, she added my youngest sister as well, but never felt comfortable enough to add my mom. So two days ago we decided it was finally time to meet, just the two of us.
The meet-up:
It went very well. we met at a restaurant and talked for two hours. During this time I noticed how much she looked like my Mom and younger sister, almost identical to them.I found out that she had known since she was very young that she was adopted, and explained to me why she did not feel ready to meet my mom. She drove me home, we said our good byes, and that was that.
The dilema:
After getting home from meeting my sister is when everything started to bother me. Here I had this sister who was two years younger then me. Did I miss out on a chance to have that sister who I could have really bonded with? Me and my sister who is 7 years younger have never really gotten along. Also she looked so much like my Mom and sister that I felt like she should be in my family. What is really weird is that she has many of the common interests that we have. Her love for animals and riding horses. Her adoptive parents hate animals, and we have always been animal people. Now I feel this almost emptiness that I cannot explain. What could life have been like... I feel like I am missing something that was never their. These feelings did not start until I met her. Before this I never had these feelings. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about this with my Mom, because I don't want to upset her.
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It actually isn't weird at all that your sister has many similarities to her b-family. Genetics is powerful. Adoption doesn't change one's genes.Of course, many of us also have similarities to our a-families because they raised us, and environment also has an effect on who we become. Adoption, even if done for the best of reasons (however "best" is determined), always begins with loss. Yes, you lost out on knowing your sister as you were growing up. And, you have every right to feel the grief of that loss.Do you feel comfortable talking with your newly found sister about it? My guess is that she is feeling similar emotions.As an adoptee, as I was growing up, I knew I was adopted, but I didn't comprehend the full implications of what that truly meant. I just accepted it as part of my life. Having now communicated with my b-parents, what I lost is coming more and more into focus. If I were you, I would continue to talk with others on sites like this. I would read whatever I could about adoption reunions and the emotions involved with them. And, I would attempt to talk with your sister about it, if you feel comfortable enough to do it.Your sister is now real to you, so it makes sense that the feelings are being stirred now.
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L4R said everything - like always.
You are just now seeing what you lost because of the adoption. Every family member has lost something - to what degree is based on who they are.
You may also feel some anger at times and that is normal - it means you are processing it, the should's - you should have shared memories of growing up. It's all part of the process of going through the feelings of stuff you had no control over and can not change.
Keep talking and you'll be fine.
As to the genetics - it's very strong - a snippet - my handwriting is almost identical to my mothers...eerily so, we have the same favorite flower...and so many more things - sadly we didn't have the gift of knowing each other. Treasure what you have but never feel guilty for having the feelings you have right now - they are perfectly normal.
Kind regards,
Dickons
Thank you very much for your replies. It feels good knowing that I am not alone in this. For me and my sister, that was adopted, we are still going to continue to grow our relationship. I am feeling like we should start bonding immediately! Though when we met she explained it to me very direct. That I knew all along I had another sister out their, and she is learning that she has an entire family. I told her we talk about her a lot, and that my family frequently asks what she is up to, since I am her facebook friend. She seemed surprised by this, and a little overwhelmed.
Though the good news is we actually live fairly close to one another. I live in a major city, while she lives in a surrounding suburb. Also she is transferring to the university I go to next fall, so I am hoping we continue to build our relationship.
One word of advice: take things slowly. Sometimes people run as fast as they can into reunion. Then, they feel the need to slow things down and back off because they did things too quickly and become overwhelmed. (When this happens, one side often feels hurt because of the pull back.)If you take things slowly, you can develop a solid relationship and build on it. That's just my two cents. Of course, some people have sprinted into reunion and have been fine for decades after. It really all about the personalities involved.
I agree with the take it slow advice. She may have been okay with connecting with you because she has known all her life that you were out there. It may be a bit too much for her to learn that there's an entire family looking to connect. Take it slow. I would leave others out of the reunion. It's her adoption too and you have to let her reconnect at a pace she's comfortable with. As far as talking to your mom; us mothers always want you to talk to us. Trust me there's not a minute that goes by that our children arent on our minds. I'm sure thats true for the ones you didnt raise as well. Your not protecting your mom by not talking to her about it I'm sure. Go to her; Mom is always best for helping you through a tough situation. Even one she created :)
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