Advertisements
Hi, I came across this website after doing a general search for help. Hopefully I am doing this right! Here goes...
About 3 years ago, I became guardian to a beautiful toddler girl (dd). She has been with me since and we are in the final stages of adoption (finalization any day!). Then, came our bio dd. Love her to pieces as well. Those children are now 4 and 2.
We were approached by the adoption agency several months ago, as our almost adopted DD has a sister that was in foster care. She was with her grandmother for some time, but then removed for neglect. She was in a few foster homes before we were approved and she was placed here. She is a beautiful and friendly little girl (now 18 months and 4 or 5 placements in her little life!). She has been with us for just over two months. The problem is... ME. She is great. Everyone loves her and thinks she is great and tells me how lucky I am to have her (she seriously is just the cutest little thing). The foster parents that had her briefly wanted to adopt her as well but we thought it was more important to keep the siblings together. Despite her moves and multiple caregivers, she is loving and normal and on track. Many other posts I have read talk about people having trouble bonding with their SN children. She is not. And she loves me to death... lights up whenever I walk in the room, showers me with love, is miserable when i'm not around, etc. The problem is just that I don't feel the same way yet. It makes me feel soooo terrible. I mean, I recognize what a lovely little girl she is and that we are lucky to have her because everyone else who provided care for her wanted to adopt her but just was denied for whatever reason...but I just don't feel that excited lucky feeling.
When my other children cry, I will do whatever I can do to make them feel better. When she gets upset, it actually just kind of annoys me. I really want her to be healthy and happy and when I look at her I really honestly see a beautiful healthy girl... but I don't see MY beautiful healthy girl.
Please help. Is there something wrong with me because I don't feel all warm and fuzzy and totally head over heels with her? When should I stop feeling like I'm just babysitting someone else's child? I hate how guilty and bad I feel all of the time.
When I agreed to adopt her, I signed on to be her last placement. Giving up is not an option, so please don't think that's what I'm saying.
Like
Share
Attachment is usually a 2 way street and to some extent you can gauge the child's attachment to you based on your attachment to her. You cannot take that to the bank, but you should at least consider the possibility that the child is not so into you as she seems and is instead trying to con her needs out of you. Yes, it can happen at only 18 months.
Either way, try to remember her story when you see her. Whether she remembers or understands it or not, her history has had a profound impact on her. Try to understand how that might affect her behavior and try to see her through that lens. When empathy grows so may your attachment.
Advertisements
I would start with cutting yourself a little slack...she's still very new to you and time might just help a little. Also, her "attachment" to you might just not be so much attachment and rather her attempts to get what she needs from you without having any genuine attachment. And, it makes some sense-- there is no reason that she ought to be particularly attached in two months, especially after all she's been through! And yes, they can be just that cunning (though perhaps not consciously) at even 18 months. Have you started working with an attachment specialist? They will have some ideas of things you can do to help-- even though you don't feel like it now, it might really pay off in the end with her.
Thanks for the responses! We actually do have an attachment therapist that comes out and is going to discontinue services because she has adjusted so well. He defined it as a secure attachment. Before she was placed with us, we had a looooong transition period and had been doing sibling visits for at least 6 months, so even though I have only had placement for a few months, I've been pretty much the only constant in her life. I think it might be that I'm having trouble with making the switch and knowing that I'm not jut going to drop her off to someone else when Sunday rolls around. During our transition period, we would have her half of the week as we are not licensed foster parents and could not take her as a foster care placement. She is definitely becoming more animated and vocal, so that is nice.
Advertisements
Oh I would really pursue attachment therapy. It def is a two way street and she has had soooo much change I would imagine she could still be demonstrating insecure attachment- which sometimes looks like attachment but isnt the healthiest. Your feelings could be very insightful as you may be seeing her neediness as not being genuine attachment. Go to therapy if not for her- for yourself! I know how you feel and sometimes it just takes extra support.