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[FONT="Tahoma"]As the title says I was recently found by my birth family. I was open to this and had been registered on several of the reunion pages for many years.
On March 4th I received a friend request by someone who although was from the area I grew up, we had no mutual friends. Got a cup of coffee then noticed I also had a message from this woman. I started to read....I think you may be my sister...something about my birthday and the hospital where I was born. Everything went kind of blurry after that for a few minutes. I was excited and scared and TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!! We really weren't sure how to confirm, though a picture of one of my sisters was like looking in a mirror. Which for some reason creeped me out, growing up never looking like anyone it is disconcerting to suddenly find that is not true. Anyway we exchanged information for most of the morning, she called the Social Services the adoption went through and since she had my info from me and all of her family's they confirmed that I was indeed her sister. As it turns out she is not my only sister...I have FOUR FULL SISTERS!! My birth parents stayed together for several years, they are now divorced but still..They also were only 15-20 mins away from me while growing up. We all would have frequented the same local mall LOL!
It has been a crazy month and I am now finding I have new emotions/feelings about being adopted I never knew existed. It has been catching me off guard. I am finding I feel kind of cheated out of having sisters and am jealous of the relationship they all share. I am feeling like I am an intruder on their family. I am finding that I want a relationship with these women so badly. In part I am sure is due to the fact that my adoptive brother went all crazy religious many years ago and we are no longer close. 3 out of 4 seem very receptive but then will say how they would be embarrassed to have to introduce me as their sister, because I was a secret. My parents were teenagers and my maternal grandparents forced her to give me up.
For the most part it has been going really well. I am FB friends with all of them including my mother. I have spoken with 2 sisters and my mother on the phone. One sister and I were on the phone for 2 1/2 hours before her phone died. It was crazy how easy it was to talk to her and how much alike we are, sense of humor, weird eating habits etc. My husband was saying it was surreal listening to us because you could tell from the context that we were strangers getting to know each other but we were giggling and carrying on like old friends. We have also done quite a bit of texting and messaging. I have not spoken to my father. He is kind of chicken and since he is not techy, on FB or anything we are left with a phone call and he is scared. It would also seem his wife is not very supportive of the whole thing. She doesn't get why any of them should want to know me.
So, this is where we are...I think it is going well but am not sure if there is anything I could be doing more or should not be doing. I don't want this to be a month or two of get to know you now go away. They do want me to come down this summer. They ALL (4 sisters, mother, father and maternal grandparents) live in the same area where we grew up. I am hoping that will be possible.[/FONT]
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Lunahestia, I am happy for you, and I hope that you keep yourself well protected by being cautiously optimistic during all phases of your reunion.
Hypothetical: Had you been contacted directly, and had NOT been registered on any adoption-related websites, how do you think you would feel at being contacted out of the blue?
I am a birthfather with knowledge of my child's contact information, and I struggle every day not knowing the appropriate thing to do with this information. I have sent letters through official channels (adoption agency), but have never received a response from my daughter (23 this Thursday).
Lunahestia, I am happy for you, and I hope that you keep yourself well protected by being cautiously optimistic during all phases of your reunion.Hypothetical: Had you been contacted directly, and had NOT been registered on any adoption-related websites, how do you think you would feel at being contacted out of the blue? I am a birthfather with knowledge of my child's contact information, and I struggle every day not knowing the appropriate thing to do with this information. I have sent letters through official channels (adoption agency), but have never received a response from my daughter (23 this Thursday).
Birthdad1991,I have to say that sometimes the official means do not always reach the adoptee for various reasons. My birth mother sent me letters from birth - 8 years old and my parents didn't give them to me because I never specifically asked. When I was 24 I finally got up the courage to ask and found that my birth mother had sent so many cards and letters so many years ago. I found her and reached out to her and we have been talking since then. It is possible that she got the letters and was too afraid to respond, was scared of how it would go, or was afraid of her adoptive parents reaction. It's possible she is hurting and doesn't want contact. But, it's also possible that she never got the letters and is just as curious as you are.The thing that influenced my decision to start my search for my birth parents, was when I realized that the constant wondering was SO MUCH worse, then if I were to attempt contact and be rejected, because at least then I would have closure and I could just get over it. I felt like not knowing and wondering was worse so I felt prepared to accept whatever response I got. I am now about to attempt this same process in the search for my birth father.
Birthdad1991,
I have to say that sometimes the official means do not always reach the adoptee for various reasons. My birth mother sent me letters from birth - 8 years old and my parents didn't give them to me because I never specifically asked. When I was 24 I finally got up the courage to ask and found that my birth mother had sent so many cards and letters so many years ago. I found her and reached out to her and we have been talking since then.
It is possible that she got the letters and was too afraid to respond, was scared of how it would go, or was afraid of her adoptive parents reaction. It's possible she is hurting and doesn't want contact. But, it's also possible that she never got the letters and is just as curious as you are.
The thing that influenced my decision to start my search for my birth parents, was when I realized that the constant wondering was SO MUCH worse, then if I were to attempt contact and be rejected, because at least then I would have closure and I could just get over it. I felt like not knowing and wondering was worse so I felt prepared to accept whatever response I got. I am now about to attempt this same process in the search for my birth father.
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Thank you all I am definitely excited :banana: I always tried to keep my reunion expectations low as a sort of self protection. I also thought that I was fairly well prepared for when or if I found family. I now realize that you never can truly prepare for something with so many unknown variables. Like in my case, I always assumed I would have some half siblings but was completely blown away to find I have four full sisters!! That, as I said before stirred up feelings that I of never expected, but how could I?
I think I am very lucky for a few reasons, one is seeing as my birth parents stayed together for so long I don't have that uphill battle that some do trying to get information about my father from my mother. Then the fact that we all grew up so near each-other we have places and cultural similarities in common. The more we talk the more it sounds like we had very similar upbringings as well.
I am trying very hard to take things slow even though it isn't in my nature. I know my ultimate goal would be that these people be family. I know that might sound selfish because I already have a family but I never had sisters :) As an adoptee I know I have heard myself say on more than one occasion that blood doesn't matter and doesn't make you family.(Just another form of self protection) I am finding that I don't really believe that as much anymore. Not to take anything away from my adoptive parents they are my family. But the more I get to know my sisters and mother and see so much of myself in them and vice versa the less I believe that as deeply as I once did.
One sister and I, who are SOOO alike it's scary, have been talking and texting quite a bit. One seems a little resistant but I can tell she seems to be trying. I have to say I am very thankful for facebook. It is allowing us to get to know each other in a way that wouldn't have been possible 10 years ago.
I think right now my biggest fear is that after the whole getting to know you period is over, they will want to go back to their lives without me. It doesn't feel like that is where it is headed. I don't know when or how we talk about where we do hope this is going. One sister, who found out I existed the same day she was told I had been found told me I was one of them now whether I liked it or not. And the other night the one I have been talking to the most was dishing all kinds of good family info and basically said "If you're going to be a sister you need to know all this" So I don't think they want to pump me for info then ditch me but....that is where I am.
BirthDad1991 - I wish I could tell you what the right thing to do is, again so many unknown variables. Does she even know she is adopted? Would she know how or what agency to contact for information? I wouldn't take her lack of response as a sign that she doesn't want contact, as stated above there is a good chance she has never seen a single letter.
If it was me I would want to be contacted. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't pursue this more aggressively. If I had we could have gotten here 10 years ago. I assumed that since my mother never made contact or registered on any pages that she didn't want to contact. Turns out nothing could be further from the truth, she has spent every day for the last (almost) 43 years thinking about me every day, wishing she could see me.
I am very happy to hear you found your family. I have a few questions if you don't mind helping me understand why she won't contact me. If you had been looking for your family for several years & your grandmother is almost positive you are the child her mother loving placed for adoption, why would you not respond to the private messages? She has read everyone I've sent. I don't know how long she had been looking but with the information she gave she has to be my granddaughter. Even if she doesn't want to met I'd very much like to know about her. Was she happy growing up? Was she healthy? Did she do well in school? Is she happy with her life? I want her to know how hard it was for her birth mom to let her go & she is so loved & wanted. Birth mom knew she wasn't ready to raise a child & wanted her to have every advantage the adoptive parents could give her. She went through an attorney so the baby would be with the adoptive parents the day after she was born. She wanted her to have the bonding time needed. When she signed the paperwork she cried in so much pain. She wanted her baby so much. She mourns everyday for that child. I told her I would raise the baby but she wanted her to have two parents. She will be 27 this August & her birth mom still mourns the loss. Anything you can tell me would help me so much to understand. I love her so much.
@DawnsDream. So, your granddaughter has been looking for family but didn't respond to your messages? Was this through facebook? And your sure she read them and they didn't go to her "other" folder? How long has it been since you contacted her? How many messages did you send? Is it possible you came on a bit strong and scared her a little?
I wish I could say all adoptees are the same but we are as individual as our fingerprints. It is so hard to know why? Unfortunately she is the only one who could answer these questions for you.
Thank you so much for your prompt reply. No Adoption.com is the only site we've used. The private messages I sent were only short & non-invasive. The last few for instance said Happy Birthday (on the wrong day, I was ill). Hope you had a wonderful day. Then of course I apologized at a later date when I realized what I'd done. I have posted pictures of your birth mom holding you. I gave her most of the information on her birth mom & the name of the attorney she had used. I told her I didn't have any information on her birth father. Happy Thanksgiving. I told her she could ask anything. Never long or asking anything personal. She signed up with this site 7 years ago. When I posted the original message it was less than a day when responded. I told her she must be the child we were looking for because everything she had matched up & how could there have been very many little girls born & placed on that same day. Nothing scary. I let her know she was loved but didn't ask where she was living. I've just tried to be reassuring that we were here for her. But nothing. I did look to see if she had an account on Face Book but didn't see anything. I would love to see a picture of her. I hope this message doesn't seem disjointed. It was somewhere around 7 am when I started writing it. I'm not usually up quite this early. I was so happy to see your reply.
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I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could say to help or explain why she hasn't responded. Unfortunately, the truth is, she is the only one who can tell you.
I do think sometime adoptees "think" they are prepared to find their family but when it happens it can be way more overwhelming than we expect! I know that was true for me, I had been searching for more than 20 years yet was still caught completely off guard.
Thank you for your kind words. My heart is broken to be so close to finding the young lady I hoped is my grand daughter. This is why I didn't say anything to her birth mom. There's nothing I can do until she's ready if she ever is. I wish you and your family the very best life has to offer.
I found my grand daughter thanks to a nice lady name Elaine on this site. I hadn't ask her but I'm glad she saw the need. We have wanted to find her for a long long time. We're friends on Facebook & we talked on the phone. It has been wonderful. She is so open and receptive to our questions & us to hers. I'm a great grandma to a 4 & 6 year old. I know it's different because of the adoption but we'll decide how to handle it as we move through getting to know each other. When I say we I mean my daughter, her birth mom, & me. I don't care what anyone says she is ours. Her parents are her parents but she has us too. Soon she & I will meet for lunch. Birth mom is out of state with her military husband but you never know what will happen down the road. Right now I am just enjoying this wonderful young woman.
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