Scared....thinking of doing it again!!

If it works out this would be wonderful for the children, but if not it could be disastrous. I would definitely ask a lot of questions regarding why placements have failed and why the girls were not together before your daughter came to you. Take it slowly, but that is exciting!

Do it peskie! You can do it

Our daughters baby sis was 7 and our was 10 when they were removed from their last adoptive home. It was 2 years ago this month. C (my dtr) was removed in May and sent to T (psych hospital) and H (residential center). While there, it was determined that she wasn't the problem and rights were terminated from the adoptive family. S (the baby sis) was removed in July, after the claims of abuse were supported. They had an overnight together and it didn't go well at all. Shortly thereafter, S asked her sw for them to not be placed in the same home. My thoughts this entire time is that her 7 year old minus emotional discrepancy brain either 1) saw their removal as C's fault because she was removed first and then S removed later or else 2) manipulated into thinking it was C's fault. Nothing has been said like this, but for the past 1 1/2 years, I've felt this deep in my bones. Since then, S has been in 8(?) homes, residential twice and continues to have escalating behaviors instead of decreasing behaviors and extreme anxiety over not seeing C. Temper Tantrums, attempts to run away, etc. We asked to have S for a weekend when she's ready for a pass. We were told she's not ready yet, and that she's been fantasizing about being adopted by us and they'd prefer to wait until she's at least partially bonded with new parents once they find some parents for her. This breaks my heart so bad that I can't even express how sad I am for her. I responded back asking what the therapist thought and if there was a reason they shouldn't be together, that we will still willing to consider it if she's progressed and if it seems that it wouldn't be damaging or cause too much regression in either child. Since separating was at S's request and now she doesn't want to be separated, it's worth asking about. After 19 months, maybe she either sees that it wasn't C's fault or maybe she understands that C is the one person she's always been able to depend on and she doesn't have her all the time. On a positive note, the fact that she fantasizes about adoption in any form is progress for her. A year ago, she said she never wanted another family, that families just let her down and she'd prefer to grow up in residential. :( The response to C indicates she can form an attachment, so that's good for whoever her future family is, but I can't help but think of the behaviors she's been exhibiting and what provoked every time C had an issue like that. Every time C had an issue like that, it stemmed from feeling undeserving. In S's little brain, I can almost hear her thinking that she doesn't deserve a family and deliberately sabatoging it. Honestly, I don't know the answer, but I also know that we need to explore the possibility. Wish us luck that we'll make the right decision for all of us. We had a visit last weekend (our normal sibling visit for them, that we try to do at least every 3 months). We have to get our home study updated before we can even seriously be considered. Dreading that headache!!

I have contact with sw, therapist, prior tfc agency, former foster parents and have a ton of info, but you're absolutely right, failing would be disastrous.

I'll be honest, so if you don't want to hear what the negative can be, please don't read this. We've had many kids who had attachment disorder and I can tell you that the more therapy they get (the wrong therapy for AD), the more they learn what they SHOULD say. The more they know what will get them what they want. I'm not saying that is the case with S, but be aware that if she is fantacizing, it could be that you will be the perfect mom who will give her everything she wants, whenever she wants, and God help you if you don't. I do honestly feel badly for S. I've had a child live in RTC for tough issues and it's a very lonely place emotionally. Some therapists help, some do more damage to the kids. Do you have any younger kids in the home? Do you have tons of time to dedicate to helping her heal? Don't count on visits as being an indicator if things will work out. You can't get beyond the honeymoon stage in visits. EVERYONE is on their best behaviors. Test her by telling her what she WON'T be able to do at your home and see how she reacts both at the moment and the time afterwards at RTC. Don't use emotions. Use your brain. If you make your decision based on how you "feel", your decision will probably be regretted at some point. Good luck to you!

I'm very aware of that Our only child is her older sister who was also in RTC for awhile prior to coming home to us and has attachment issues which have successfully been progressing after good attachment services and a decent therapist (took 3 tries to find a decent one) no other kids other than our 12 year old daughter (her bio sister). I know visits aren't telling because of the honeymoon, however, past experience is she usually doesn't honeymoon long and her therapist will probably be gauging more how she behaves after visits than what happens during visits. They're 1 visit overnight prior to C moving in with us went horribly. I doubt her sw will even tell her we're considering this until it's determined whether they'll end up triggering each other. Rest assured, while it's emotional, the decision itself will not be based on emotion, as I will not do anything that I think will have an adverse affect on our C. C has never understood why they separated and other than right after they were removed from the first adoptive home, nothing indicates anything other than a very strong bond with each other. C has asked us ever since S's first disruption, why we couldn't adopt her. S looks up to C and always has and it may be what's needed to help her. Do I know this? No, obviously, hence my being scared :arrow: I think the fantasy is more about being back with her sister, although it could be from seeing how her sister is spoiled and wondering if she'll have all she wants and over the past 16 months, she obviously is forming somewhat of a bond with us, as her sisters parents.

thanks :love: I know you've followed my journey and understand a little of how I think, so that means alot!

Well that's good that you have that history to fall back on when making your decision. I guess I'm jaded from my experience. We adopted two of three. The third was the oldest and we formed what I thought was a bond after a year of intense relationship building. We had known each other four years prior, doing sibling visits. She moved in and for three months we thought things were going well. We found out there were HUGE lies daily! The kids we adopted were totally crushed when some of the truth came out. My husband and I were devastated that we brought her into our home and she had done this to our family. It took years to get back what progress we had made with our kids. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we did.

awwww yeah, that's my big fear, I think it helps that we adopted the oldest first and the youngest looks up to her. Details from before removal from past adoptive placement made it seem like our child was the issue, now it seems like the younger one has the issues. Truthfully, they both have some issues, ours just adapted well and had extremely good support at her RTC and a really good fit with us as well. We are TFC trained and DH is a stay at home dad, allowing for lots of one on one. Fortunately, it's not like we have to tell them yes or no right this moment, we just let them know we're receptive to considering. For now, she needs to work on healing some more and we'll have some more visits between now and then as sibling visits. C's birthday should be a little telling. S is coming here (she's 4 hours away) for her birthday party. They're going to bring her early so they can have time together before guests arrive. We'll see how she does not being the center of attention 100% of the time (which from what I understand is something that's an issue for her and her therapist is working on) and having to share her sis, after the guests arrive.

the bad thing is I actually am pretty sure we CAN handle her and her behaviors, it's that I'm so happy to be past that with C that the thought of going thru it again (and probably for a longer time span) is something I really dread and going thru the home study again and all the visits and C has just gotten to the point where she's graduated to "call as needed" basis with her therapist and to think of starting all over again Makes me dizzy :woohoo:

That's a tough situation. I have not btdt, but I can see why you have fears about taking her. She sounds like she will definitely make your life harder for a long time. If you can keep them together it would help her when she's older, but if she has psych issues it may only get better if she gets the right meds.

Her sw and us are talking about ways to see if this makes sense long term. In the meantime, regardless of where this goes, we're going to do extra sibling visits, more frequently and longer and we're going to update our home study in case it moves that way. SW is sure at some point, we'll see a glimpse of the trauma child within and whether those two will trigger each other to extremes the longer and more frequent the sisters spend time together. Sw is positive we can handles all the behaviors she has, but like us, the primary concern is the effect of the girls on each other, triggers, trauma bond and whether the girls can develop a healthy enough relationship to live together.

Yep! We've had HB his whole life (18 months) while his siblings were in other homes. Started hearing rustlings about TPR last fall. Then GAL put a bug in my ear that the boys will be adopted together, whether by us or family. BBs former foster mom blew up his "issues" IMO and was not bonded to him. We started with just inquisitive visits. They went GREAT!! We just knew we had our answer pretty quickly:love: But prior to that? We did worry about BB resenting his adoption thinking it was to keep his brother. We just pray he never feels that! I was scared to open our home to an "older" child (BB was almost 4) due to my AD and her special needs. She came first. But now that we are all settled in...he is a SUPERSTAR big brother (most days...he his 4 after all;)) When I see him hold ADs hand, my heart melts!!:love:

:love: :love: