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Before I adopted AS his stepmom tried to be an adoptive resource for him. This also included her saying she had no relationship with his birthdad (her husband), she just didn't have the money for a divorce. My worker told me that this was denied only b/c they did not think she was in a place to raise 2 same-age children (she has a child AS' age). However, when I looked at her facebook pages, it was clear she is still "with" birthdad (well he is in jail, but I mean she is still in the relationship with him). I also saw posts in which she also talked about her "2 boys" one of which is my AS. I asked AS' then attorney what she thought of this, and she told me that she thought the state was crazy to even have considered her as an adoptive resource---that clearly she just wanted to be one big happy family with the birthdad (this is what the atty said, not me). Stepmom is local to us and, this being a small community, I think she probably knows my name, where I live, etc. Birthdad is due to get out of jail this coming winter, and be deported to Mexico. My biggest fear is they will kidnap my AS and use their same-age child's passport to get him to Mexico (after they get his brother/their other child there). I have no idea if this is a real danger or not. I
I am not able to move for various reasons.
I would love to hear people's thoughts about this and, I also have a specific decision to make. AS goes to an afterschool program and next year would be able to go to a program that is basically free. However, as part of their rules they do not screen very much about who picks up. Also, AS would walk across the school parking lot to get there (with other kids, but with no adult). He really wants to go to this program and its otherwise a better fit than the program I pay lots of money for. Should I not send him to the free place for the increased security of knowing they check carefully at pickup at the $$ place? Any other suggestions? I feel like I sound like a crazy person when I write this, and I really dont know if this is a real threat or not. Thanks!
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I don't think you sound crazy at all. It's something that needs to be considered with everything in these situations.
If you're in the same town/community and stepmom has a child the same age there is also a chance they could be in the same class in school, sports, after school programs etc. that opens your AS up to chance meetings almost anywhere! Anytime he's left with little supervision is an opportunity.
It's kind of creepy that stepmom still posts like he is with her. Then again, my stepdaughter does the same and seems like a lot of BPs do it.
Why doesn't the school monitor who picks kids up? I don't think I'd use a program like that if they allow just anyone to walk in and take a child out.
How old is AS?
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What is the timeline for all of this happening, and the age of your AS?
For instance, if stepmom was posting this stuff when she was hoping to be considered as an adoptive resource (or immediately after, when emotions were likely running high), but hasn't posted anything recently, it wouldn't bother me.
As far as the after school program, I would not send my child to any after school program that didn't pay attention to who picked up each child, regardless of whether or not they had bps who were being deported to Mexico.
How hard is it for staff to have a list of who is allowed to pick up, and get to know those people so they can ask for ID and check a list if someone else shows up?
Is your AS old enough to know/remember stepmom? Do you think he would go with her? Definitely start having talks about who it's ok to go with.
Thank you so much for the replies! To answer a few questions, AS is 8. We have talked over and over about not going with anyone unless I directly tell him to (and happily the community police officer even talked to his class about this), but it the end I think he could be tricked into going. He sort of remembers his stepmom. Last time he saw her, he was newly 4 years old.As far as her posts, yes she the posts where she spoke about him as if he were with her were mostly a couple of years ago. There have been some here and there where she refers to him as her other (fill in affectionate name here).As far as the school/afterschool program not monitoring who picks up, this is the deal. The elementary school, just doesn't do this--it releases the kids--now I can work something out with them about AS, but have not up until now as there in an on-site afterschool program that does this...The thing is that there is also a Boys and Girls Club on-site and it is part of how they work that they just dont do this as much. Believe it or not, almost all parents with kids above 1st grade, seem to have their kids in this program--its free as compared to $300/month. So, its both money and AS really not having same-age peers in the paid program as he goes into 3rd grade next year.
Thank you so much for the replies! To answer a few questions, AS is 8. We have talked over and over about not going with anyone unless I directly tell him to (and happily the community police officer even talked to his class about this), but it the end I think he could be tricked into going. He sort of remembers his stepmom. Last time he saw her, he was newly 4 years old.
As far as her posts, yes she the posts where she spoke about him as if he were with her were mostly a couple of years ago. There have been some here and there where she refers to him as her other (fill in affectionate name here).
As far as the school/afterschool program not monitoring who picks up, this is the deal. The elementary school, just doesn't do this--it releases the kids--now I can work something out with them about AS, but have not up until now as there in an on-site afterschool program that does this...The thing is that there is also a Boys and Girls Club on-site and it is part of how they work that they just dont do this as much. Believe it or not, almost all parents with kids above 1st grade, seem to have their kids in this program--its free as compared to $300/month. So, its both money and AS really not having same-age peers in the paid program as he goes into 3rd grade next year.
I would not be that scared. I think she sounds more wishful thinking than dangerous.
Re the after school program. I would put him in the better free one. I would make it clear that he is a special case. I would march in and say "I don't care if you let the other kids go with whoever, YOU WILL NOT DO THAT WITH MY SON." Teach them what you want. Explain he must be signed out, or must tell a teacher before he goes with someone, etc. I worked in a formal afterschool program in college, and our rule was that kids must tell us before they leave and point to who they're leaving with. We didn't have the resources to ID every adult or whatever, but that sharply cut down the risk and barely took any time at all. If that's what you want, say so. They would probably do it and if they can't, they're probably not very good anyway, IMO.
As for walking across the parking lot, maybe have him have a rule where he must "check in" at the place regardless of who picks him up? So, say you pick him up for an appointment right after school. You still must go to afterschool place and explain the situation. So if Stepmom comes to nab him from the parking lot, he knows he still must check in first even if he agrees to go with her, and then the staff will realize he shouldn't go and keep him there?
Bottom line, I think they will make an exception.
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I doubt it is a serious threat or that your child is in any real danger of being kidnaped... people talk big on facebook. But, I think it would not hurt to be quietly prepared just in case, but not change any major parts of your life... such as moving, not letting your son attend the after school program he wants to go to etc.. I would take a photo of bio dad and step mom to the school and the afterschool club. Tell them that you understand that they don't do DNA tests to release kids but you need them to understand that it is important that these two people not have any contact with your son. Call the police if they try to pick him up. Keep a current picture of your son, and as current a picture as you can of bio dad and step mom. Keep all the numbers you would need to look up if he disappeared in one place so you can just grab the file and get to work if something happened. Also make sure you know the siblings name and get a picture if you can so that you can say "This is MY child, this is who he may be with and this is the name and photo of the child on the passport they will try to use". I doubt they could get very far if you have all that info in the first few minutes of a crisis. Meanwhile, your son only needs to know that he is not allowed to leave school with anyone but you unless you said it was okay.
I doubt it is a serious threat or that your child is in any real danger of being kidnaped... people talk big on facebook. But, I think it would not hurt to be quietly prepared just in case, but not change any major parts of your life... such as moving, not letting your son attend the after school program he wants to go to etc..
I would take a photo of bio dad and step mom to the school and the afterschool club. Tell them that you understand that they don't do DNA tests to release kids but you need them to understand that it is important that these two people not have any contact with your son. Call the police if they try to pick him up.
Keep a current picture of your son, and as current a picture as you can of bio dad and step mom. Keep all the numbers you would need to look up if he disappeared in one place so you can just grab the file and get to work if something happened.
Also make sure you know the siblings name and get a picture if you can so that you can say "This is MY child, this is who he may be with and this is the name and photo of the child on the passport they will try to use". I doubt they could get very far if you have all that info in the first few minutes of a crisis.
Meanwhile, your son only needs to know that he is not allowed to leave school with anyone but you unless you said it was okay.
Maybe have a "safe word" for you and your son. A secret word that if anyone else tries to come pick him up "for you" he would ask for it. If they don't give him the right one he knows you didn't send them. Like have something that Birth Family wouldn't know to say. I could see the stepmom saying "your mom sent me to pick you up". I don't know how much of a threat the situation is, but this something I would do even with my bio dd just to be safe.
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Maybe have a "safe word" for you and your son. A secret word that if anyone else tries to come pick him up "for you" he would ask for it. If they don't give him the right one he knows you didn't send them. Like have something that Birth Family wouldn't know to say. I could see the stepmom saying "your mom sent me to pick you up". I don't know how much of a threat the situation is, but this something I would do even with my bio dd just to be safe.
Maybe have a "safe word" for you and your son. A secret word that if anyone else tries to come pick him up "for you" he would ask for it. If they don't give him the right one he knows you didn't send them. Like have something that Birth Family wouldn't know to say. I could see the stepmom saying "your mom sent me to pick you up".
I don't know how much of a threat the situation is, but this something I would do even with my bio dd just to be safe.