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I posted this on another board as well, trying to get as many opinions as possible. Long post...sorry. We did things a little backwards. We met bio GPs through a family member about a year and half ago. At the time, bio GPs had placement of their grandchildren for almost 3 years (ages 3 & 5 yrs) and were seeking a forever home as bio parents weren't working the plan or seeking the help they needed to get kids back. They wanted someone to take them that would allow bioGP to still have contact with the children. We met the kids, spoke to their worker, and became foster/adoptive certified. We agreed to openness and continued contact from the start, unfortunately, we didn't take into account that we really didn't know these people very well. Six months into visitations/getting to know the kids, bio GPs start doing some questionable things like telling BigBoy he isn't moving, having him call them mom & dad, allowing visits with bio parents against court orders, and very emotional outbursts from GM. Of course this confuses BigBoy and starts the ball rolling on some major emotional issues for him. LittleGuy is still young and doesn't really understand so he doesn't have too many issues, yet. At the beginning of this year, TPR for parents was granted and we took placement of both BigBoy and LittleGuy. Since then, bioGPs have been calling almost daily, and have had monthly overnight visits, which always end with GM crying and upset, not wanting to let them go and causing the kids to become upset. When we reached out for help from the worker, GM became enraged that the issues are "on record" and threatened harm to herself. We cut back contact to 1 call per week and future visits to be every other month, but GM already tried to change that. We are now into the adoption stage and will be finalized within 3 months (Yay!) Our new worker brought to light some issues we were not aware of at the beginning when we agreed to openness. We thought bio GPs volunteered to give up the kids but found it was never an option for GP to keep the kids permanently due to "issues in the home." With this information and all the issues we have had in the last year and half, we wonder if we should continue contact with bio family at all? We read about how good open adoption is for the kids, but what if it is doing more harm than good? GM already accuses us of "stealing" the kids. We also worry that visitation might be a safety issue as we were advised by the worker to have daytime only visits where we can supervise contacts. Should we just cut ties and get BigBoy into therapy for the loss? The worker says it is up to us, if we want to stop contact he will help. Is it possible for the relationship to heal and the future be better even if GM denies she needs any help or therapy? I don't ever foresee a friendship with the bio GPs but we want to do the right thing for our kids, even if we are uncomfortable. Has anyone else had a bio family member that just won't let go and won't let the kids move on? How did you deal? Opinions would be great. Thank you!
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I haven't btdt but we have some similarities in our cases. G's uncle and grandma called me when they could not keep G. Since I am family I did know why they couldn't keep G but their behavior since then had been a shock.
I think you should probably get the oldest into therapy no matter what you decide. Growing up in that kind of environment means he has no idea of what a healthy relationship is. Not saying your relationships are unhealthy but the damage has already been done.
As for what to do with the grandparents, since you agreed to let them keep contact, I would email or sit down with them (whatever your comfortable with but I like email because then you have it documented) and tell them what is acceptable behavior and let them know that unacceptable behaviors well mean less/no contact with the kids. I would also take a break from them until the adoption is complete and you've had time to adjust and bond as a family. Explain the break to them. This way everyone knows what is going on and everyone knows the boundaries. You need to set the president now or they will walk all over you for the rest of your life.
Also, them not wanting things on record is really sketchy to me so keep the worker in the loop. If you decide to go the email route cc him/her.
Best of luck!
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Phone calls once a week and every other month visits is not a lot but the important question is how do the children feel? Are they anxious to see the GP or does seeing them make them anxious? I agree with waiting at least six months post adoption for contact so that you can meld as a family. Maybe just send pictures, written updates once a month. After six months see what is good from there. When the process was started to adopt my son, I thought I would have frequent ongoing contact with the bio grandparent. However once the adoption process was started the grandparent went "off the deep end" and I ended up with a restraining order. I think the important thing for the children is that if they want information about the bio family you have that information. Personally I do not agree with lots of contact when they are children especially when there is a lot of family disfunction. They need to be part of your family and identify with them, not with the bio family, especially if the bio grandparents are not going to be supportive of the adoption and respect your role as parents. I am more supportive of some type of relationship with the bio parents than of relationships with the grandparents.
Is there anyway the CW could join a meeting with you and the GPs and help go over the reasons the kids need your home and the what kind/frequency of contact is appropriate at this time? Also, remind them that the contact will always be in the children's best interest and not at the whim of the GPs.
It's your family. You can decide what openness means for you and what level is right for your kids at what time. While you are bonding and becoming a new family maybe that means photos and adult to adult phone calls. Later that might mean a park playdate. You decide what is best for your kids, you know them the best.
Well, bio GM went and jumped off the crazy cliff. We ended all contact effective today. The decision was made after I had to block her numbers from my phone after back-to-back calls and messages while I was trying to take my STBAS to his first day of school and meet with his teacher. While this was happening, she verbally attacked one of our family members, at their job. And she is now continuing to repeatedly call another one of our family members using various phones as numbers are being blocked as quickly as we can. All a while cycling through complete rages to crying breakdowns. We are meeting our attorney Friday to have a letter drawn asking her to no longer contact us in any way. Wish us luck, we fear her next move is to show up at our house. If that happens, it will be very hard to shield our kids from that mess.
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I'm trying to understand BOTH sides, ok? Grandma had these kids since they were babies,she raised them for 3 years. So, whatever the ' issues in the house' were, they were obviously not big enough to remove the kids...her grand kids!!
I see a desperate woman, fighting for her littles... you promised that she could remain in the kids lives...
Instead of cutting all contact, I would highly suggest a mediation, where everything is put on the table, and rules and boundaries are discussed and decided.
The crazy crying and the constant phone calls have to stop, of course!!! She needs to learn to become grandma, and how to behave as such. And you need to understand, she loves these kids, her heart is hurting, and cut her some slack.
All this is NOT easy, not for her, not for you, and not for the kids, but with some hard work, on all fronts, it has potential to become a good thing.
Good luck to all of you!!
Ps. I'm the adoptive mom of a little girl, and there were more then a view times, I wished my daughter's bio mom to just disappear!!!!! There were so many hard feelings, on both sides....but with time, and after taking a 6 month break from her, after tpr, I knew, she wasn't going to disappear, she was as real as I ....so we started a very cautious contact, txt only, occasional txt pics, with the rule, that said pics will never be uploaded to any social media.
As time went on, we started to talk...still through txt, but not just about our daughter, but other stuff too....now, we txt a couple of times a week, I sent her spontaneous funny or cute pics of our daughter, and ......drum roll....we just offered her a visit, 2 days before our little one s birthday:)
If somebody would have told me a year ago, that WE were going to initiate contact etc I would have laughed in their face!!!! Seriously!!!!
Give it some time.....hopefully you all can work it out.
Best wishes!!!