Openess 3 Years After Three Years

I haven't posted for a long while, but wanted to share my opinion after almost three years of my son's adoption. My son is now 10. He was initially placed with me when he was almost 5. He was placed with me on his second time in care. It was his brothers' forth time in care. I should add that my son is on the severe impacted side of autism (is non-verbal) and also diagnosed with PTSD symptoms. My approach from the beginning was to not get involved in the family. Courteous, but not involved. I didn't give any of my information, and met the family only in formal settings, though I did meet most of the extended family. I had a relationship with the siblings then foster family. When my son was reunified, I left connections open via the placement social worker. As a result, I was called when he was removed again, and the birth family signed a voluntary placement with me, while social services took care of some paperwork (the agency I was with was not licensed with that particular county). After a year of court hearings, it finally came down to relinquish or termination of parental rights. In our state, TPR can mean loss of any future children. The extended family encouraged them to relinquish. Our state does not recognize Open Adoption, but I promised 2 visits a year and photos. I was very, very clear, though, not to relinquish based on Open Adoption as visitations is solely at my discretion. I have to be honest, I haven't kept up on the photos this year, mainly because we have taken any. So, that is the background. Would I do open again? I don't think so. When I talk to other aparents that adopted around the same time I did who have completed closed adoptions, I find that they don't have the problems I do. Bmom has always been completely appropriate. She abides by my rules and shows respect for me as the parent for my son. But at the same time, the myths about getting accurate medical information and history just don't pan out. I also know that with at least one sibling, the supposed benefit of having information just isn't panning out and the denial is causing problems. My son's sibling's family have issues with the OA with mom. But, truthfully, 2 visits a year wouldn't bother me one way or another, even with the accompanying behavior issues for my son. BDad, now that is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. He doesn't follow my rules. I allowed the family to come to the hospital to see my son recently, and when a nurse asked me about my son's medical care, he interrupted to say that he is my son's "father". Then proceeded to question all of the decisions I made regarding my son's care and even the surgeon's decisions. I try not to be combative, but finally just had to say loudly and firmly that I am my son's legal parent and that the nurse needed to be talking only to me and in private. At other times, he's tried walking off with my son to have "time" with him. There just isn't any respect or acknowledgement that my son IS my son and that he has no legal rights anymore. When he is not around, the extended family is fine...but when he is around they also push the boundaries. I think the problem with Open Adoption in foster care is that aparents get all of this great training-and pressure to be "open", but the bfamilies don't...and frankly it wouldn't do any more good if they did than the parent training classes that don't work. The same problems that limited the parents ability to change their parenting behavior makes open adoption difficult. More, the same problems that impede the parents ability to acknowledge their weaknesses and get help, impede their ability to honestly address questions and issues after adoption. As a result for months prior to visits, I start feeling the anxiety. I worried more about birth family behavior than my son's brain surgery. It is a source of great stress for me, and a source of behavior issues for my son. So, would I do it again? No, I don't think so. There really is no benefit on my son's side and only stress on my side. I guess it does benefit the bparents.