Question

I think the very best thing you can do for any mother and child, is to help them stay together. No baby wants to be seperated from their mother. Please support family preservation, not newborn seperation.

You got one answer that most women who are pregnant and in desperate circumstances, or women who placed when they were up against the wall, and what I'm going to contribute is maybe also not what you want to hear. Or have been told to expect to hear. While this may seem harsh, I think you have been misled, especially if you think "birthmothers" are going to help you figure out how to take a baby away from its mother and give it to you. From a first mother perspective, the fact that you are stating that you had your home study done and so are just waiting for a baby smacks of entitlement. The fact that you are talking about a woman you don't even know as "our birthmother" is insulting beyond belief, and I bet you are nice people and hearing that surprises you. If you are asking "birthmothers" how to make it easier to adopt their children, probably few "birthmothers" here will be able to help you out, or want to. You got the home study done. Now all that matters to you is a wait? Learn about adoption. Not just from the natural mothers or expectant mothers in crisis, but also from adoptive parents. What adoption means to all of the people who are affected by it, for the long lives that we hope everyone has. That was the long answer. Short answer is that "our birthparent" mindset from a PAP might likely be a turnoff to an eparent.

Wow Ashley it seems as though you are being bashed here by autumn and patsy. I have to say I thought your post was thoughtful and an honest reach out of what some birth mothers may be looking for. I like the fact that you see your future child's mother as 'your birth mom", it's endearing (not insulting as Patsy said). It means you are thinking of her in your process of becoming parent.As a birth mother and adoptee I see two sides of the adoption triangle, a unique and rare occurrence. My husband and I are friends with many adoptive parents and have seen first-hand how adoptive parents think, feel, and deal with the adoption process.It's a long, tedious road and hope since you posted this in March that you have had some movement in your process, but I can tell you I placed my daughter with an agency.The agency had me write down a "wish list" of characteristics about the parents/family I wanted my baby to be a part of. I listed things that were very close to my own family. Both parents college-educatedStay-at-home or work-out-of-home Mom 1 older opposite sex sibling (at least 3-4 years older)Live in the suburbs (30-60 miles) outside of a major cityAnimal loversFamily that love to travel and do oftenI was fortunate every single request I made was met by the family that adopted my baby girl.I hope this helps answer your question, at least a little. Please realize that every bio-mom looks for different characteristics in a family for their baby, so my request was just that, mine. Your birth-mom may or may not have any of the same characteristics, but if you include her in your family and everyday value the gift that she will be giving you and your husband. Raise that baby as if you gave birth to her/him and make sure she/he knows he was PLACED for adoption out of selfless love. autumn clearly has no idea what adoption really is, instead is more worried about the mothers in this situation instead of the baby and that is completely backwards of what adoption is.Adoption is a complete and total selfless act that takes more courage than 99% of the population of this earth has within themselves. It has nothing to do with what the birth parents want and everything to do with what is BEST for the baby involved. I know my daughter deserved FAR more than I could provide at the time and I was willing to set aside my feelings and comfort to give that baby girl every comfort that I know I couldn't provide her. She is now grown, educated, and so thankful that I gave her a chance to experience the best had to offer.

Wow Ashley it seems as though you are being bashed here by autumn and patsy. I have to say I thought your post was thoughtful and an honest reach out of what some birth mothers may be looking for. I like the fact that you see your future child's mother as 'your birth mom", it's endearing (not insulting as Patsy said). It means you are thinking of her in your process of becoming parent.As a birth mother and adoptee I see two sides of the adoption triangle, a unique and rare occurrence. My husband and I are friends with many adoptive parents and have seen first-hand how adoptive parents think, feel, and deal with the adoption process.It's a long, tedious road and hope since you posted this in March that you have had some movement in your process, but I can tell you I placed my daughter with an agency.The agency had me write down a "wish list" of characteristics about the parents/family I wanted my baby to be a part of. I listed things that were very close to my own family. Both parents college-educatedStay-at-home or work-out-of-home Mom 1 older opposite sex sibling (at least 3-4 years older)Live in the suburbs (30-60 miles) outside of a major cityAnimal loversFamily that love to travel and do oftenI was fortunate every single request I made was met by the family that adopted my baby girl.I hope this helps answer your question, at least a little. Please realize that every bio-mom looks for different characteristics in a family for their baby, so my request was just that, mine. Your birth-mom may or may not have any of the same characteristics, but if you include her in your family and everyday value the gift that she will be giving you and your husband. Raise that baby as if you gave birth to her/him and make sure she/he knows he was PLACED for adoption out of selfless love. autumn clearly has no idea what adoption really is, instead is more worried about the mothers in this situation instead of the baby and that is completely backwards of what adoption is.Adoption is a complete and total selfless act that takes more courage than 99% of the population of this earth has within themselves. It has nothing to do with what the birth parents want and everything to do with what is BEST for the baby involved. I know my daughter deserved FAR more than I could provide at the time and I was willing to set aside my feelings and comfort to give that baby girl every comfort that I know I couldn't provide her. She is now grown, educated, and so thankful that I gave her a chance to experience the best had to offer.

Wow Ashley it seems as though you are being bashed here by autumn and patsy. I have to say I thought your post was thoughtful and an honest reach out of what some birth mothers may be looking for. I like the fact that you see your future child's mother as 'your birth mom", it's endearing (not insulting as Patsy said). It means you are thinking of her in your process of becoming parent. As a birth mother and adoptee I see two sides of the adoption triangle, a unique and rare occurrence. My husband and I are friends with many adoptive parents and have seen first-hand how adoptive parents think, feel, and deal with the adoption process. It's a long, tedious road and hope since you posted this in March that you have had some movement in your process, but I can tell you I placed my daughter with an agency. The agency had me write down a "wish list" of characteristics about the parents/family I wanted my baby to be a part of. I listed things that were very close to my own family. Both parents college-educated Stay-at-home or work-out-of-home Mom 1 older opposite sex sibling (at least 3-4 years older) Live in the suburbs (30-60 miles) outside of a major city Animal lovers Family that love to travel and do often I was fortunate every single request I made was met by the family that adopted my baby girl. I hope this helps answer your question, at least a little. Please realize that every bio-mom looks for different characteristics in a family for their baby, so my request was just that, mine. Your birth-mom may or may not have any of the same characteristics, but if you include her in your family and everyday value the gift that she will be giving you and your husband. Raise that baby as if you gave birth to her/him and make sure she/he knows he was PLACED for adoption out of selfless love. autumn clearly has no idea what adoption really is, instead is more worried about the mothers in this situation instead of the baby and that is completely backwards of what adoption is. Adoption is a complete and total selfless act that takes more courage than 99% of the population of this earth has within themselves. It has nothing to do with what the birth parents want and everything to do with what is BEST for the baby involved. I know my daughter deserved FAR more than I could provide at the time and I was willing to set aside my feelings and comfort to give that baby girl every comfort that I know I couldn't provide her. She is now grown, educated, and so thankful that I gave her a chance to experience the best had to offer.

Ajchicago, I'm adopted and a mother who lost her child to adoption. We're not all that unique or special, there are plenty of that sit in those two places. "our birthmother" smacks of ownership to me too, patsymae isn't alone in that. Heck, I loathe the term birthmother. The adoption industry uses it to make the world comfortable with something that most people will never understand and to keep us in our place. I too believe in family preservation over adoption. I really don't want to give someone tips on how to get a baby. If you want to, that is lovely for you. For many of the mothers I know, that is the last thing they want. Who would want someone to experience the pain of losing a child when they are so intimately acquainted with it.