How do I tell my family

I agree. I know if my daughter gave her baby up for adoption and didn't tell me about it. Until after the adoption I would be upset. I hope you take plenty pictures and have an open adoption. Or keep the doors open so your child can find you if they chose.

Just wanted to add a perspective from an amom, if that is okay. Whether or when you tell your extended family can have an impact on other relationships as well, including your relationship with your placed child. My son's birthparents did not tell their extended families about him. I do suspect that this is one of the things that keeps them from staying in touch with us. They now have other children as well, and even though they said they plan on their raised children knowing about him, I'm not sure how that's going to work with extended family not knowing. It also adds another barrier for him if, when he is older, he wants to try for a closer relationship with them directly.

I was also away at college. I told my mom on the phone when it was almost time to come home for summer break. I didn't want anyone else to know. I stayed in an apartment with a friend until after the birth. Once I had finished with the legalities, I went home and went back to school in the fall. I have one friend that I am still in contact from that time. I do not regret my decision. My birth daughter has found me 30 years later and we are "friends". I doubt I will ever tell my family.

What about if your children want to meet them?

At this point in my life and my kids life, I am keeping an open mind. My daughters are 18 and 22. My 18 yr old is extremely sensitive and it would rock her world. My 22 yr old would be okay with it. I admit I am being selfish on this. I have raised my daughters to be good girls. I was not a good girl. My past is embarrassing to me. I don't believe in what some parents do and tell their kids what mistakes they made in drinking too much, doing drugs and having lots of unprotected sex. I am not who I was back then. I don't even know who the fathers are of my birth children. I am so close to my girls and they respect me and love me. Maybe some day I will tell them, but not now. It has been less than a year since my birth daughter found me. It has been 31 years since I gave her up for adoption and 33 years since I gave her brother up. I was fortunate that they were adopted by the same family. I have been very open with them about what kind of person I was and they both agree with my reasons for not telling my daughters. But I will always consider telling them, just not now.

Understand that it may not be your choice. No matter what they say right now, if your first two children decide they want to be in contact with your two kept children, they don't need your permission. How will your daughters feel if they learn you deliberately kept this information from them? If it were me, I'd rather hear the truth from my mother than from strangers. .

Both of my birth children are in their 30's and have kids. I do not believe they would contact my girls without my permission. I have talked extensively with them about my reasons and they have been totally okay with it. Our personalities are so similar and they were raised in a wonderful loving family. I may be wrong, but I trust them. If I didn't, I would not have allowed them access to me. If they did contact my girls, I am absolutely 100% sure that my girls would be okay with it and there would be no hard feelings towards me or them. But I would end contact because that would be a breach of my trust. I see a lot of bitter people on this board which is why I left for a long time. I gave 2 children up for adoption, I don't regret it. I am happy that they contacted me, but I have a totally different life now then I did then. They grew up loved and happy. My birth kids tell me that if I had refused to be in contact with them, they would have been very sad, but they would have dropped it. That is why I trust them. I am sorry for all those here who have had horrible reunions or regret their decisions or have such anger towards their birth parents for giving them up. I believe I did the right thing, I don't have any regrets. I made a married couple so happy to have a son and a daughter. They gave them a beautiful life and I am forever grateful.

my birth daughter just texted me as I was posting this. Supporting me in starting my new job tomorrow.

I do think you need to tell your raised children eventually, preferably in the next year. Though your adopted children are fine with things as they are with you, they may wish to try and find paternal relatives and register with sites like FamilyTreeDNA and 23andMe and if any of your own relatives are genealogy buffs, they could accidentally locate each other. So in this age of DNA, sooner is better. Because my bmom had died young and I suspected I was a secret, I did think very long and hard about making contact, it was not a decision made lightly. It has worked out well and we have been very respectful of each other. I had wondered about contact my bmom's husband but they didn't think it was a good idea. I waited 2 years and then thought I might do so but googled his name and discovered he was terminally ill from cancer, so I didn't want to disturb him. I did contact some of her friends and they were very welcoming and kind. On the whole, my bfamily have been great and understand that I wanted to know answers and I am very pleased to have them in my life. It would have been nice to know my bmom but I accept that she is gone. I have sometimes wondered, if she had been alive, whether she would have introduced me to the rest of her family. Because I know them, I know it would have been sad if she hadn't done so because I would have missed out on knowing them. I know that I would have gone along with what she wanted but would have hoped that she would have told them - from what I've heard about her, she was a kind and caring soul so I like to think she would have done so. I just went and looked your first posts which were early last year and feel that it is unfair to call those who disagreed with you "bitter". Perhaps you received the best counselling available - however, not everyone was that lucky and they want to prevent other women receiving that same biased counselling they received. Great for you that you have "no regrets". I of course hope that my own bmom had a great life - she had a kind and loving extended family so I am thankful for that. Did she have "no regrets"? I can't say for sure. I suspect that she would have wished there were more options available to her than there were at the time (1960s) - this is based on things the family said - those are normal feelings. She may have been sad that she might never see her baby again - that would have been normal. What I will say is this. I said the following on a previous thread when I first joined: And the bmother (another Kathleen), said this: I can see that that bmother considered me to be a self-centred cow for having any feelings about how my bmother felt. I had actually made it qite clear in that thread that I hoped that my bmom had a great life - I was just saying that I would ike to think she might have felt sad that she couldn't raise me. The point of my quoting that post is that it doesn't take much for an adoptee to be considered selfish - if they aren't full of joy, they are selfish. We often have to care about how everyone else feels and there is a time when we have to say "enough, we have feelings too".

talk to them before not after

Kathleen, I feel for you. You really seem twisted up about this and I've been partly in your shoes. I have not reunited with my son yet, but like your children my son is 32. Like you, I went on to marry and have 2 daughters. My daughters are also good girls, though I would wager that our definitions of "good" differ. Like you I am not the same person I was when I found myself in a crisis pregnancy. While my husband always knew about my relinquished son, my daughters didn't. I likely waited too long and told them when they were young teenagers. Like you, I was afraid that they would lose respect for me. I was fearful that they would use my mistakes to validate their future mistakes. I was ashamed. Turns out I was wrong. Through my communication with my children over the years I have realized that the wild child I was helped shape me into the strong woman I am today. She is still part of me. I forgave myself for my youthful mistakes. It didn't happen overnight. The keeping of secrets is unhealthy and dangerous. Your kids will find out someday and if it doesn't come from you it will hurt them far more than coming to terms with the fact that you are a imperfect human being like the rest of the population. Everyone is fallible; give yourself a break, you deserve it. Finally, please stop referring to those of us in different points of our journeys as being bitter and angry. It's insulting and demeaning. We're actually a pretty good group, even though we don't post a lot. I can guarantee you that if you need our support we will rally around you.

Rmomma, I would tell your family what's happening before you deliver. With your openness, you will never be accused of withholding that information and may prevent some hurt for your mother.

While I appreciate your points of views, please do not "twist" my words. I am absolutely at peace with all my decisions. I have a relationship with my birth kids and we are all agreed and happy with where it is. My past is past. My daughters will love me no matter what. I have no doubt of that. It is my decision and I am very happy with how things are. If they find out, they find out. I l have just made my own decision not to share at this time in my and my daughters lives. There may be that "blood" link, but they will never be family. I know you don't get it, but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I love my birth kids, but they are not my children, they are their adoptive parents children. They raised them, loved them, cried with them and shaped them into who they are today and they did a fantastic job. I take issue with birth moms who think they have a right to insinuate themselves into their birth childrens lives. You don't. You made a decision to give them up, if you get to know them later in life, you were given a gift, not a right to all the sudden become their parent. I see a lot of stories on here where the contact is made and the birth parent gets all upset when the birth child starts backing away. My personal thought on this is that a lot of times the guilt these birth parents feel, comes roaring alive when contact is made and it scares the birth son or daughter away. Then the birth parent gets all hurt and angry. I also think different arrangements work for different people. I am very happy right now with how this has all worked out. My birth children have been very open with the fact that our arrangement works for them too. Maybe it is because they were very happy before finding me and this was just a nice path we found ourselves on. Good luck to all. And I have not said that someone is angry or bitter because they have a different opinion then me. Different opinions is what makes life interesting. I said that someone was angry or bitter, because they were angry and bitter. If you are demeaned by that, you have your own issues that have nothing to do with me or my thoughts. Peace out all.

For some people, things need to be either/or. For others, they prefer to be inclusive. I made contact with extended family (bmother died young) and I am thankful that they have made me feel part of their family. That doesn't mean I am disowning my family - far from it. My family has EXPANDED and I now have more uncles/aunts/cousins than ever before :happydance: To explain it best, I think I feel like the "in laws" in my bfamily - i.e. they are absolutely definitely part of my bfamily but they also have their own families of origin. My sister has the same sort of relationship with her inlaws, our parents etc - they are not replacing each other. This is one thing I have learnt over the last 5 years, i.e. that one doesn't need to deny one family in order to embrace another. I don't know of any bmoms on here who want to "insinuate themselves nto their birth children's lives". From what I've seen of the regular bmoms on here, you will realise that they are very very respectful of their child's and their adoptive parents (if deserved). The truth is that the construct of the modern form of adoption was designed to make reunion extremely difficult. It was designed to severe biological relationships so of course it is hard to find that happy medium. That is true. I know that I personally would be proud to have someone like Paige as my bmother :). On the other hand, I am not sure if your "you will never be family" views would suit my inclusive nature. It is not saying to you are wrong, it is just that we would be incompatible. I too was very happy before finding bfamily. What does that have to do with anything?? I saw your original posts and I didn't feel those bmoms were angry and bitter. They, like you, were offering their differing options. I just don't like people calling other people angry and bitter - I don't feel "demeaned by it" but I do feel that those people may have felt demeaned. I am allowed to offer my support for those other people.

I don't get it. People have been kind to you and in return, you are rude. Good luck to you. I hope your dirty little secrets stay in the closet. I don't believe for a second that you're at peace. I don't even believe any of your story. It doesn't ring true. And if it is, I feel sorry for all of your children; they all deserve more. So peace out to you.