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Yesterday was one of the best days I had in awhile since I found my birthmother after looking for over 25 years. However, now I don't know what to do. I used a PI to find her and she is going to make the initial contact with my birthmother, however, she asked me to write a letter to birth mother. She said I could ask her whatever I want, tell her as little or as much as I wanted about my current family, etc. My question to everyone is what should I ask her, what should I tell her, what shouldn't I ask her, what shouldn't I tell her. I really want this to work because I have never been able to feel the "blood" connection with anyone before until my dauguters were born. I can honestly say now, it is the best feeling in the world to have that connection. Thanks so much for any advice from anyone.
You used a PI or a CI? . . .
If you aren't required to use an intermediary, I highly recommend you contact your b-mom directly without a middle man.
It is much harder to shut the door on flesh and blood than it is to close it on a total stranger.
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PJTPT, first of all, congratulations! Do you feel like you are floating? Do you know if your birthmother is open to contact. (I personally would have been over the moon, but not everyone is at the same place.) My bson took several weeks after he got the info from his parents (I couldn't locate him because he's recently moved.) I know he had difficulty deciding what to say. What are you looking for? A relationship? Medical records? I know that I enjoyed learning about his family; what he did for a living; etc. How much does she know about your aparents? (All I knew was their general height and coloring and that he was a pastor of a "mainline" church and she was a social worker.) Don't go to deep in the first letter. You might say "I've had a good life with my aparents (if that's true) but I've missed feeling a blood connection."
Good luck!
I'm very happy for you!!!
I agree with L4R about making first contact yourself if possible.
It's ok to not know what to say right now. I often didn't know what to say when meeting first family members for the first time, too.
How about trying a writing exercise that you DON'T send before writing a draft of the letter you do intend to send? Just sit down with paper or at the computer and write anything that comes to your mind (no judgment, just write) about what you're feeling, what you might say, what kinds of things you've wondered over the years, your hopes, fears, etc. Just let it all out, then let it sit, re-read it later, add to it, etc. until you are ready to start the actual draft.
Best wishes to you!
Congratulations..! You have certainly had a long journey to find her. As a birth mother I would advise that you keep it light for this letter, include features of your life that you enjoy, interests etc. See what her response is then. I'm sure you have thought about what you want from this reunion. If you would like a relationship I wouldn't start off asking a lot of difficult questions no matter how much you want answers. Wait to you have perhaps met and have got to know each other a little, so that trust is built. It is hard to open up your heart in letters and not get the response you are hoping for. Things said in the written word are sometimes misunderstood especially when you dont know the person and you will both feel vulnerable. Best wishes that it will go smoothly for you both.