Dealing w/other parents

I'm exhausted! Have spent the past 3 days trying to get to the bottom of something that happened between my kiddos (once RAD, now beginning to attach, much more stable and calm), a friend (moderate RAD, lies to parents, steals, etc.), and a third sibling group (healthy, "good kids" whose parents believe they don't lie). Situation: Mine told me on ride home that the "good kids" had confronted them at dinner (kids were sitting in booth, 3 sets of parents at nearby table), telling them they should show appreciation to their parents for "buying" them and keeping them together, that they were expensive (named a $ amount--just so happened to be the amount a friend of the lecturer's parents recently paid to bring a child home from Africa...WE adopted through foster care, so this kid clearly didn't know what she was talking about, but not really the point of the story). And finally, that they needed to "go over right now and tell your parents how thankful you are that they adopted you. Cuz if I was the mom, I would have split you up." :eek: Mine said this came completely out of nowhere, that they had all been haggling over who would get the last breadstick when the main ("good"/non-RAD kid) started her lecture. Unfortunately, nobody came over immediately to tell the parents. But mine did tell as soon as we started driving home and ALL had the same story and ALL were offended and ALL thought the girl had no business saying that and had meant to hurt their feelings. (I doubt she meant to hurt them. She really does seem like a nice girl. I think she was just relaying her other friend's frustration at getting a new sib who "cost so much". ) So I sat on this wondering what to do. I don't know their parents well, but I know the other adopted/RAD kid very well, so I called and explained what had happened, asked if her kid had mentioned it. (She hadn't.) She quizzed her kid, and the kid stood up for the main lecturer. Said she said it "in a nice way" and hadn't meant any harm by it. (NOTE: This RAD kid and the main lecturer have become close friends and have known each other for 3 months...just 2 weeks longer than mine have known her. But "good kid" doesn't hang with mine, only with RADish. That's fine, RADish needs a good friend and role model in her life because she's constantly lying about my kids and losing their friendship. Anyway, I digress...) I confronted "good kid's" mom yesterday in as kind a manner as I could. I didn't want good kid to get in too much trouble because she is barely 13 (mine are 16, 15, and 13). Kids say stupid things sometimes, but she and her sis needed to hear how it had offended my 3 and maybe learn some better ways to talk about adoption. BUT..."Good kid's" mom immediately said, "My (kid) would never say that. I know her heart and she would never say such a mean thing." She looked mad, but marched off to get all of the kids (hers, mine, and the more severe RADish) to hash it out. Result: Kids came in, she had mine tell what they were upset about. At first "good kid" denied. Said she had been talking about her friend whose parents are adopting, not about my kids. Mine insisted she had looked right at them and pointed at them. Little sis of "good" kid denied, too, about saying they should have been separated for adoption. BUT...their mom asked moderate RADish what she heard. She reluctantly admitted that "good" kid had indeed said they should go over and thank their parents (me) for adopting them together, "But not in a mean way!"...and that good kid's little sis had indeed said mine should have been separated. OK, so it was out. Good kids' mom was furious, said they had no right to say that, made them apologize, then they went home. She later texted an apology and then her husband called to apologize. Whew...issue taken care of, moving on, able to let go... Until...moderate RADish's mom (my friend of 1.5 years whom I've helped through difficult times with her kid, reminding her that it's the trauma history that drives her behaviors, that she's not out to ruin adoptive parents' lives, that she's always in survival mode)...told me she thought mine had "blown it out of proportion" and that mine were "overly sensitive" and implied that mine were lying about most of it anyway. (My 1.5 yr friend whom I've helped to calm when she catches her kid in lie said to me today: "My kid/RADish said there was no finger pointing, "good kid" didn't use a snotty tone, and she meant it like they just need to be thankful to be in a good home now. Oh, and she said they never used the word "bought" or "buy," but said "it COST x amount.") There's so much more to this story that leads me to believe moderate RAD said some things about my kids to "good" kid to make her not like them and I believe this is what led good kid to say what she did. But moderate RAD is denying and her mom (my "friend") believes her over my kids and thinks mine are either lying or just making a mountain out of a mole hill, and that it likely stems from their jealousy of her daughter. o.m.g. And the clincher is...every single time something like this has happened and I've had to point out the factual inaccuracies in her kid's story, the truth eventually surfaces and she's livid with her kid! And it seems to blind side her each and every time! Mine are healing...they're much more open with me and when they do lie, I can usually talk them into truth through therapeutic (loving, understanding) techniques. They certainly didn't concoct this story to "ruin the friendship between "good girl" and RADish as my "friend" seems to think. They had no reason to! They like "good" girl because she has always been kind to them! (Until the other night.) My "friend" even had the audacity to say mine are just jealous of her RADish's and "good" kid's friendship and that it had taken RADish away from them. OMG! They've stayed friends with RADish because I continually remind them of her trauma history and that she's not in a good place emotionally or physically and I encourage them to forgive her because they used to be in the same place. (But Mom gets VERY angry with her behaviors, acts like RADish is doing them to her personally...hard to help a kid heal when you treat her that way. Thus why I've remained in the picture, trying to help her parent RADish therapeutically as I did mine.) :eek: I'm just at wit's end...She's protecting her kid because she thinks mine are ALL lying. (Mine have never ALL lied, and she knows it! Yes, they all lie, but they generally do it 1 or 2 at a time. Somebody always finks on the others. But my 3 ALL had the same story within 10 min of it happening, and they didn't have the time or place to work to get their story straight. How can my "friend" not see that?! Clearly "good kid" and moderate RADish are protecting each other. And to make matters worse, "good kid's" mom is a newish friend to RADish's mom (my supposed "Friend") and they've been talking so that now good kid's mom ALSO thinks my 3 are behind this and made it up....EVEN THOUGH THEY ADMITTED TO IT YESTERDAY! What the heck are these moms thinking?! :mad: I know what I need to do. I just need to walk away. I need to pull my 3 from an activity they enjoy and share with these other kids, because now I'm angry with the kids and their moms. MY kids are angry at the kids and moms. I don't know how this can be repaired. :( And still a part of me is worried and sad for the RADish once the truth comes to light. Her mom will come unglued. And she'll never have the chance to heal. She can be a really great kid--I've seen it. But lately she has glared at mine and seems insecure in her friendship with "good kid." I think that's likely where this stems from...she may have wanted to prevent her pal from befriending mine, so she likely said some awful things about mine and now "good kid" is sticking to the lie and protecting RADish because she believes whatever she told her.