New possible birth father 3 years post finalization

We already checked with our attorney and the adoption is secure. The attorney said we are under no legal obligation to meet this man, provide a paternity test or any other request he may have. He is in prison for stabbing a random stranger on the street with a pen. He has apparently been in and out of jail over the last 8 years for various drug, alcohol and minor offenses. This is his first violent crime and first time actually serving time.

We already checked with our attorney and the adoption is secure. The attorney said we are under no legal obligation to meet this man, provide a paternity test or any other request he may have. He is in prison for stabbing a random stranger on the street with a pen. He has apparently been in and out of jail over the last 8 years for various drug, alcohol and minor offenses. This is his first violent crime and first time actually serving time.

So you saying your child birth father wasn't ask to give up his child. Or didn't sign papers to give up his child. That's sad. The babies mother sound like she has no idea who the father is. Sad for the child, that might want to find him someday. If he stab some stranger on the street he's not a good guy, so the first moms in denial. With that record, I wouldn't be okay with him seeing the child. I wouldn't send pics unless I knew he was the father. I might try to get a DNA test for closer, but I would try to get them to pay for it. I'm guessing she hasn't been honest about how many guys she slept with. So it could cost a lot of money, if you were to pay for the DNA test, especially if he's not the father. I have a feeling if you ask him to pay for the DNA test. You might not her back from him. I HOPE THE MOTHER DOESN'T HAVE YOUR ADDRESS. I wouldn't send any pics of the kid, that have personal info. Was this baby a foster kid, I ask because the mom doesn't sound like she could even parent safely.

CrazyWoman, I read this post this morning and continued on by - but... Based on the only facts about her provided in the post - that she had multiple sex partners (which could mean two) around the time she became pregnant - you can determine she's not fit? Kind regards, Dickons

I thought the same thing Dickons. Besides which, there should never be a question of fitness when talking about a DIA. This isn't a foster care adoption we are talking about here. It drives me batty that it is assumed because a woman placed a child for adoption that she would haven't been fit.

This is way outside my area of expertise, so I'm confused about how an unknown and unnamed father can have his rights terminated. Unless he was listed on a Putative Father Registry, wouldn't he still have some rights if it's proven that the child is his? .

It is way outside of mine as well, but I did do some research to determine whether I would be comfortable with a situation with an unknown father. My understanding is that it is the potential father's responsibility to make himself known in most states. If he didn't sign up on the Putative Father's Registry, he did not financially support the mother and TPR was handled correctly by attorney, the potential father would have no rights. (as I understand it)

I don't know all the ins and outs. With my youngest, the claimed biological father voluntarily terminated his rights but denied dd was his (i have zero doubt she is his dd). I asked dd's lawyer what would happen if another man came forward, and she said he could only do so before finalization. At finalization, apparently an order enters terminating all potential fathers' rights. I don't believe my state has a putative registry but i am not sure. I think there is some advertisement requirement in the newspaper of the city of birth. Op, i think i would commit to nothing but ask for a dna test so your son knows the truth. I would want to see how the father (if he is) does upon release in these circumstances. I also would ask your son's bmom not to share your address, phone etc. Hopefully he will do well but i would want to wait and see a bit. Gl!

I'm thinking something not right with her, because she thinks this potential father is a good guy. When the poster claims he was in prison for stabbing a stranger with a pen. That's not normal for a mother to think this is okay. If she was raising the child. It sounds like she would put her kid in danger. And allow this potential father to help her raise the child. As for her sleeping with other men at the time she got pregnant, she should have mention it. If the child was a faster kid, then they should have did the newspaper thing. Maybe adoption agencies should be required to do the same thing. As for someone sleeping with multiple men and raising children, that's unstable. And some times screw up the kids. I should know since my sister does this and takes the kids with and tells them not to tell. I'm sure some people are more discreet and wont screw up the kids. Also not a reason to put kids in foster homes.

The legal issues are not an issue because when finalization occurred our state terminates all potential fathers, both known and unknown. In this case, our son's birth mom was sure at placement (not foster) it was one of two men (her boyfriend and another man with whom she cheated on her boyfriend). The boyfriend submitted to DNA testing and was not the father. The other man was located through a private detective and served papers as required by law. He refused to answer the request and his rights were terminated. Recently, birthmom has split from her longtime boyfriend. She says that she has been reconnected with an old flame and realized maybe he was the father. We are not entirely confident that her memory is clear with respect to timing with this particular guy. Our issue isn't about her and whether she is fit to parent. She is respectful in our open adoption for the most part. Our biggest question is really more about how we proceed for the benefit of our son. Should we allow a DNA test so he knows in the future, but not grant a visit as he doesn't seem to be currently in a stable position. Would you allow a supervised visit at the adoption agency? Would you refuse any contact at this stage and keep the information for when your son was older and allow him to pursue both potential non-tested fathers? Thanks for your input.

If guess I wouldn't allow anyone just getting out of jail access to my child particularly with a violent offense. I would actually allow him to get out of jail and get settled in his life and then perhaps make contact. He can provide contact information to bmom and you can hear how he is doing. I would make sure bmom has not provided any of your contact information. Good luck that is hard stuff.

I would also want to make sure he understands open adoption vs. shared custody. The reason I say this is because he is asking for "visitation rights" when that really doesn't apply in this situation. Before I agreed to anything I would want to be sure we were on the same page with what was agreed to, just to avoid conflict in the future. I wouldn't necessarily say that he isn't a good person, but I would say he has made some really bad choices. Like others have said, I would want to see how he does before allowing a visit or having a DNA test done, and I would want to meet him myself first.

There was a question as to who the father was in my fostercare adoption. In Missouri they terminate on the named father (if named) and all other identified or unidentified potential fathers. As I was never convinced that the named father was my daughters father. But to make sure there isn't a question of legalities after the fact all fathers named or otherwise are terminated. So yes, if this guy is the father his rights could be termed without him being notified. I don't think I'd do anything right now. You never know if this relationship with mom fizzles out if he's going to claim non-parentage. I just don't think I'd open any avenues to my child at this point. I'd open up contact with him to start the getting to know you process but that would be about it for now. If he stays in contact and after a few years go by you introduce his presence to your child then perhaps a DNA test is in order, but I'd not sure I'd do anything at this time. Visitation would certainly be off the table for a while although I'd be open to establishing a line of communication.

I disagree with a lot of the posters--I think a child deserves to know who his parents are, if possible, and a father deserves to know if he has a child, regardless of whether he's an especially nice guy, and it's kind of unreasonable to expect this man to jump through hoops and establish a relationship before, or in order to, find out if he is the child's father. It's important to know the truth. I'd have the DNA test done and not have the "if" hanging over everybody's heads for years. If he's not the father, then this is out of the way. If he is, you can proceed from there. Not knowing isn't going to make anything better or even easier.Most adult adoptees will tell you that even well-intended attempts to keep the truth from them rarely if ever worked out well in the long run.

I've been thinking the same thing and every time this thread comes to the top I think it. For adopted people, the unknown is often worse than the known. What happens if you have this as a chance to have this information? What if he disappears completely and he is your little one's father? When considering that it really doesn't matter what kind of guy he is, it matters that you have the information. Having information doesn't equal having to have someone in your life. If he is, than you go from there, and if he isn't, you move on and don't worry about him.