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I've been poring over these forums for the past few days trying to get a handle on what is "normal" or at least what the range of experience and emotions are in these situations. While informative, nothing has come close enough to mirroring my situation. And things seem to be getting more complicated.
I found out 2 months ago that I have a full younger brother that was adopted. I have grown up believing I was an only child until just before I turned 30. It seems the main impetus for my mom to tell me about my brother was because I have a half brother (through my dad) who is looking for me and also knew about the full brother that I didn't know existed.
I think I handled all of this rather well considering the shock and was told that she was leaving the decision about what to do about my brother up to me. I said I wanted to at least get some information so I could look him up online and make sure he was doing okay. I hadn't thought beyond that. Then we got his adopted name 2 weeks ago and I initially thought he would be impossible to find with such a common name... but when I took a bit more time with it last week, I managed to find pretty much everything in less than a few hours.
After finding all of this, I changed my mind and I want to contact him. However, despite it saying in his adoption records that his parents knew he had a full sister and were prepared to tell him at an "appropriate time", I'm not certain that they have. I feel like the safest solution is to track down his adopted parents to use them as an intermediary to my brother.
During all of this, my mom hasn't really been clear about how she feels or what she wants. Even a week into the search for the parents, I am getting mixed messages from her. I know that this situation is stressing her out because it is giving her jaw pain.
Complicating matters further is her new husband is actually more eager to find my brother than I am and has said he believes we'll be spending this upcoming Christmas together. I am trying to take things cautiously because I know a lot of emotions are going to get stirred up and I want to do what is best for everyone involved, not just satisfy my own needs. I'm not sure how my mom is supposed to deal with herself when her husband is so vocal about how he feels without really considering anyone else's feelings (he's also stated quite vehemently during a hypothetical conversation when asked "what if my brother wanted our dad to join us for this fantasy Christmas?" His response was "Absolutely not" without even listening to the fact that my mom would at least consider conceding on this point. Even though this scenario is pretty much moot because of several factors, the fact that this new member of our family thinks he can call all the shots about this reunion process bothers me greatly).
Because my mom hasn't dealt with her own feelings (she's still looking into where to find a support group/counselling), I suggested we back off of searching until she sorts herself out. That seemed sort of like what we agreed upon, but then she was back to searching for random connections to my brother within a few hours. I'm worried that both she and my stepdad are going to make a bigger mess of this whole thing unless a) my stepdad can take a chill pill and back off the intensity a bit, and b) my mom figures out how she actually feels about any of this. Now it's making me want to avoid searching for/contacting my brother altogether because I don't want to bring chaos to his doorstep. Life will already feel complicated enough under the best of circumstances, so I want to keep this mess as far away from him as possible. I feel like I'm the only one thinking rationally and keeping in mind how all of this might feel for my brother once contact has been established.
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You don't mention how old your brother is - if he is an adult, why would you go through his parents?
As to your mom, she needs to figure out what she wants before you make contact - leaving your brother dangling after deliberately making contact isn't something to do lightly. Run through the scenario in your mind - what would you say to does my mother want to meet me?
Worst case scenario if your mother doesn't figure out what she wants to do - be upfront with your brother that you mom is unsure and had packed away all her feelings for so many years that it will take time to sort them out.
How are you planning on making contact?
Kind regards,
Dickons
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My brother is 26. I just feel like the shock would be less if it was coming from his parents, plus it would give him the option to say no to contact without having to deal with us directly. Basically, my thinking is to try to give him a bit of control of the situation to make it easier on him.
However, since I posted this last night I've been debating whether we should just contact him directly when we're ready. I know I still need to figure out what to say and which avenue to take. I don't have an email or physical address for him, but just about every social media site possible.
But before anyone even considers direct contact, I know my mom needs to sort out her feelings first and foremost. I don't know how he would handle her being confused and ambivalent. Nor would that be fair to him since we're the ones initiating contact. I also go back and forth between thinking he might find dealing with me easier than her initially because there's maybe less emotional baggage (but maybe not, because I was the one kept... and it is odd, because usually it's the first child that is given up it seems not the second).
Sadie,
By the time I was 26 I had lived outside of the family home for 8 years and a wealth of lived experiences...and I wouldn't have appreciated being treated as a child...
Your brother could be like me or the complete opposite - but whatever your brother is like - he's old enough to say yes or no to contact with his sister and/or mother by birth. It's not like you are complete strangers even though you have never met. He may need to play catch up being the one contacted because he hasn't been the initiator so that may require a gap of time to process this contact.
There is also the two-fold concern if you contact his parents first. The first concern is they may not actually be in favor of him knowing you, they may say all the PC words that they do, but their insecurities, fears, jealousies may also be there. The second concern is that he will have no right to choose whether or not to tell or include his family by adoption in getting to know you, the loss of control of being able to make a choice. I say that because many choose not to tell because they know the dynamics of their family, or they would choose to wait until they decide it's the right time to tell, they may tell right away. Being adopted wasn't a choice your brother made to be raised in a different family and not know you. Let him have the choice to direct this aspect about whether he keeps this separate and for how long.
Kind regards,
Dickons
You bring up some very good points, some that I hadn't necessarily considered, so thank you. I still have to play the waiting game for my mom to catch up with being in touch with how she feels (and when she thinks she wants to tell the rest of our family since no one knows and we're not exactly close with the extended family), but that will also give me time to figure out what to say in my initial contact.
Thank you for all your feedback. It helps to hear from people who have actually been through it instead of just reading books (which can only be so helpful).
Hi Sadie, I'm also an older kept birth sibling, though a bit older than you. I'm 46. My brother who I searched for 30 years for is 17 months younger. I searched for him for 30 years before I finally found him this year! I was told by a search angel that as a sibling I had no business searching because I wasn't a "member of the triad" (either an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent), and that adoptee's main interest is finding their parents, not their siblings. Which, in all reality, couldn't have been further from the truth when it came to my brother, because he really had no desire to find his bio parents, but if he had known about me, he said he would have moved heaven and earth to find me. But all adoptees aren't the same, and most do want to find their parents, or at the very least their mother.In your case I would definitely take Dickons' advice, as well as what you have already expressed, and wait until your mother sorts out her feelings, and whether or not she wants to open up and have contact. Just about every adoptee I have ever read posts from has wanted to meet/interact with the WHOLE family, and it hurts their feelings when they have to be kept "a secret" from the rest of the family. I would definitely make contact with your brother. I had to make contact with my brother's adoptive father first, due to extenuating circumstances, but was very lucky that his adoptive parents are wonderful people, and had no problem with me finding my brother. However, not every adoptive parent is open or accepting of the fact that birth families search out and find their child, and will do everything in their power to stop/block any and all contact between the adoptee and the bio family. Then, some parents are like my brother's and don't mind a bit. It's really hard to know what you are getting into, so the safest bet, is to contact him directly. I don't know if this is reaching you before or after, but I wish you all the best of luck in contact with your brother. After just a few months of being in contact with mine, I could not imagine life without him!!
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