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I found out about the existence of a full younger brother who was adopted at birth two months ago. We got his adopted name and I found him online two weeks ago.
I really want to contact him but it seems my mom doesn't want to. She seems to have only told me about my brother because she was coerced into it (someone else who knew threatened to tell me. No one else in our family knows). She claims she wanted to tell me eventually, but has said that it most likely would have been right before I left to go work overseas. This leads me to believe she wanted to keep from having to deal with the situation if I wasn't here while also making it difficult for me to find him; that, or to keep me from leaving at all. I have always been really close to my mom, but we seem to have very differing views about what to do about contacting my brother. She told me she was leaving the decision about what to do up to me, but she is also not dealing with her feelings or what she is willing to do or understanding what she wants. We don't have adoption-related counseling where we live except a long-distance call over the phone so I'm not sure what our other resource options are.
When we talk about contacting him, she gets headaches or other pains. She's freaked out because he looks so much like our dad that it's bringing up feelings and issues for her. None of which she seems willing to confront. Also further complicated by her brand new husband being gung-ho to include my brother in family holidays (something I'm not even sure she wants).
Do I have a right to contact my brother if she is not interested in a relationship with him? He's 26 and I'm 30.
I want to give my brother space and choice once we contact him but I'm also afraid that if she isn't part of it, he won't want anything to do with me or that her reluctance will taint our relationship.
If he was willing to maintain contact with me without her, I don't know what that would do to my mom because no one in the family knows. So either I would have to keep him a secret or she would be forced to tell our family (and we're not close to our extended family but are also connected through social media).
Basically, help! What do I do?
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Sadie85
I found out about the existence of a full younger brother who was adopted at birth two months ago. We got his adopted name and I found him online two weeks ago.
I really want to contact him but it seems my mom doesn't want to. She seems to have only told me about my brother because she was coerced into it (someone else who knew threatened to tell me. No one else in our family knows). She claims she wanted to tell me eventually, but has said that it most likely would have been right before I left to go work overseas. This leads me to believe she wanted to keep from having to deal with the situation if I wasn't here while also making it difficult for me to find him; that, or to keep me from leaving at all. I have always been really close to my mom, but we seem to have very differing views about what to do about contacting my brother. She told me she was leaving the decision about what to do up to me, but she is also not dealing with her feelings or what she is willing to do or understanding what she wants. We don't have adoption-related counseling where we live except a long-distance call over the phone so I'm not sure what our other resource options are.
When we talk about contacting him, she gets headaches or other pains. She's freaked out because he looks so much like our dad that it's bringing up feelings and issues for her. None of which she seems willing to confront. Also further complicated by her brand new husband being gung-ho to include my brother in family holidays (something I'm not even sure she wants).
Do I have a right to contact my brother if she is not interested in a relationship with him? He's 26 and I'm 30.
I want to give my brother space and choice once we contact him but I'm also afraid that if she isn't part of it, he won't want anything to do with me or that her reluctance will taint our relationship.
If he was willing to maintain contact with me without her, I don't know what that would do to my mom because no one in the family knows. So either I would have to keep him a secret or she would be forced to tell our family (and we're not close to our extended family but are also connected through social media).
Basically, help! What do I do?
I haven't posted in this forum for nearly a year, but I'm going to make an exception here, because I'm not sure there are that many active birth family members about. I am also someone who found out about an adopted sibling, although in my case it was before my birth and not a full sibling. Also the difference in my case is that my Mum had died just over a year before I found out and had never told anyone at all (as far as I know).
I'll never know how my feelings might have been if my mum had still been around to discuss what had happened, but to be honest I can't imagine any scenario when consideration of her feelings would not have been my main goal. Firstly your mum must be very upset to have been "forced" into telling you when she was not ready (and I personally would be very angry with whoever has forced her) and I can't see how putting more pressure on her would be helpful.
You say "she is also not dealing with her feelings or what she is willing to do or understanding what she wants." That's quite an assumption: she might not be dealing with it as you would deal with it, but that doesnt mean that her way is any less valid. People have to be allowed their own reactions and choices. I think before anything else happens, you need to support her and let her explain in her own time what she feels and why and perhaps more about what happened. A couple of months isnҒt long enough for either her or you for that matter to let everything sink in and make such big decisions.
In the end, if you really want to contact your brother, then you must do it. But if your mother really doesnt want to be involved, that is up to her and you shouldnҒt feel the need to change that decision. There is no guarantee that your brother would want to be involved with her, after all. Cross the bridges as you come to them.
Good luck. And take care of your mum.
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