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Hi everyone,
I am looking for some advice. I was born with congenital heart disease and have an ongoing heart condition that I will have to manage for the rest of my life. This is the reason I chose not to have biological children as there were risks to my heart health.
My doctor has assured me that I can live a normal life and signed away on my ability to adopt and parent a second child. My heart condition sounds scary and it is of course serious, but it is manageable.
Here's my issue. When we adopted our first daughter we did not have time to develop a relationship with her birthmother. We received the call three hours after she was born, met her birthmother briefly and that was all. She never asked about my heart and I purposely kept my surgery scar hidden so as not to frighten her. She did not want continued contact so we didn't really develop a relationship. As a result, I didn't have the internal struggle I am having now as we try to adopt our second.
A prospective birthmother has chosen us. We have been in touch for a few weeks and she is scheduled for a section within a month. Unlike our first time around, I am developing a relationship with this birthmother. She also does not want continued contact but we are getting to know each other over the phone. Once we receive her proof of pregnancy, we will go meet her in person.
It's not as if we have this deep relationship but something about not sharing my health information feels wrong. I feel that I am deceiving her even though she has never asked. Also, she did see our website and I have pictures where my scar is visible. I do think it is easy not to notice it though.
Am I obligated to tell her? My husband, mother and sisters do not think so. They think since the doctor agrees I am medically able to parent and have a normal lifespan, there is no reason to give her information that she may perceive as much worse than it actually is.
They think someone who doesn't have or know someone who has a condition like mine may not understand it and see it as something very bad, bad enough to walk away from the adoption.
Can I just have some thoughts of yours on this? I don't plan to call her and have a big revelation of the information but should I cover my scar as I did during our first search? Is it her business or not?
Any help would be much appreciated.
Thank you,
Ann
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