contact birth family first

Your mother definitely knew about you. Your sister may be completely in the dark. Contact your mother first. Can you imagine learning that the child you gave up for adoption has made contact with another family member first? That is just not something your mother should hear from another relative.

my mom also contacted my birthmoms friend and asked her to let her know that we were trying to contact her and we have not heard anything back, so I thought i would message her on fb but Im afraid im rushing things. since all of this has happened starting this week do you think i should give her time to think about it or go ahead and contact her?

How did your a-mom contact your b-mom's friend? How did she find this friend? Did this friend know that your b-mom had given a child up for adoption? If not, that would not have been the ideal way to contact her. If this has all occurred in only the last week or so, I would recommend holding off on contacting anyone else. See if your b-mom hears about you from her friend. I'd wait at at least a month before attempting further contact with anyone else. Give her time to contact you. Then, if she doesn't, I would try contacting your b-mom through FB. I don't know how old you are, but if you are an adult, I would recommend having your a-mom take a backseat. She can be there to support you, but you should be the one making contact and making the decisions on who to contact. Your b-mom would be the most likely to contact you if you contact her directly yourself. But, with the communication that has gone on so far, I would highly recommend against contacting anyone other than your mother for a few months. You may have already outted her as a b-mom to her friend. Ideally, you don't want to be the one to out her to your b-sister. You want to give her a chance to tell others first.

my a-mom i think found out through facebook or my a-dad's brother was in the same high school class as my b-mom so she could have found out a friend from there, and I am 17. I do not think the friend know she put me up for adoption. thank you so much for this, I will give her some time then to tell b-sister and friends

I agree contact your mother first. There's no way to guage her reaction and you can't make assumptions about her one way or the other--I and most first mothers I know were delighted to be "found" but I know there are stories where it does the other way. Personally I think it would be fine to send a private message on FB and say you think she is your birth mother and you understand this is awkward but you would like contact if she would, and then just the hard part--wait and see how it goes.Will you be 18 soon? it may be easier to initiate contact when you are a legal adult, and easier for her if she doesn't think she's meddling in a relationship between a minor and the APs.I hope it works out for you.

I will be 18 May 26. My birth sister messaged me on FB asking if she knew who I was, what should I say. IM guessing my birthmom did not tell her about me then

Elvis, Take a deep breath... From what you've indicated: 1. Your mom found a high-school friend of your birth mother. That high-school friend probably had no idea that her friend was a birth mother. Your mom OUTED your birth mother to her high-school friend by making the choice to include her in a reunion between you and your birth mother - that could have been accomplished by sending a message direct from you to your birth mother. Or from your mom to your birth mother. 2. Now apparently, your sister by birth has sent you a message asking if you know who she is? or who you are? If the latter than apparently "someone" told her that her mom is a birth mother to you and she didn't know? I think YOU need to control who does what. Take a deep breath and wait to see what the fall-out is from all these misguided attempts to circumvent you sending a FB message from you to your birth mother. Either that or just send a message from you to your birth mother on FB. Kind regards, Dickons

Hi Elvis, I'm glad you have received some good advice from others here. I don't want to seem unwelcoming (because I'm glad you're here getting advice), but the forums are for age 18 and up- just to keep those under 18 safe. It sounds like you are almost 18 though so please join us in May, we'd love to have you! :) And I agree with everyone else, your Mother would appreciate hearing from you first :) I hope it goes well for you both! -Spud :Chewie: