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I have BTDT with my son- the difference being he was violent and hurt others in the home. He was also maliciously destructive- he would deliberately destroy things in the house -almost always things that belonged to others. RAD behaviors are often deliberate and used as a way to control others. There is joy and a sense of control that comes from raging to a degree that others give in to appease the child. RAD is definitely something where you have got to pick your battles and put major effort into not letting it show that you are upset or angry- showing those emotions is the payoff that a RAD kid is looking for. If they can get you so upset that you 'lose it' then they feel as if they've won the battle. I don't think you said if your child is in counseling- if not get her into counseling ASAP, even if you are definitely disrupting. You should also seek counseling for yourself and your significant other which doesn't include her. If you have access to a support group for people dealing with adoption and international adoption get involved in it. Know that there are people out there who do know what you are going through and do not judge. Some people think if you just love your child enough or the right way that their issues and symptoms will subside. That could not be farther from the truth. Also know that RAD is not your fault-- RAD develops when the child is not nurtured by their parent before the age of three. The child could be with the bio parent only for a few days or weeks but if the child is not held and nurtured and given a sense of security during that time then RAD often develops. Best of luck to you and your family--this is probably one of the hardest, worst things you will ever have to do in your lifetime. Please keep us updated.
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Generally, the more changes of caregiver/ family that a child has, the worse that child's chance of developing an attachment. Attachment issues - RAD or Less severe - are not something you will be able to address by trying or faking it. You need outside help. I know there is a reasonable concern about seeing someone who doesn't understand attachment. Find an attachment specialist. If you can't, start with getting her evaluated by a good child psychiatrist or psychologist. A pediatrician is not qualified to diagnose or treat mental health issues. Their license allows them to do it, but it's just as bad an idea as going to a psychiatrist because you have an enlarged prostate. Hopefully your pediatrician can point you towards a good treatment provider.That said, you and your family need to decide if you are going to commit to doing the treatment and sticking with the child. Giving up on your son will harm him, but keeping him in your family if you are not committed could harm him more.
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I'm not sure where you heard the story that a second placement works out better. From what I've seen, the only times a child with severe RAD does better in a new home, is when the first set of adoptive parents was totally unprepared and unable to cope with a healthy child, much less one with mental health issues.As the previous poster mentioned, the more placements a child has, the more likely it is that he/she will develop attachment disorders, both severe and mild. Children in such situations soon learn not to trust adults; they first want you, and then send you away, so why bother trying to bond with them? While children with very mild attachment disorders may improve in a good family setting, without any form of therapy, children with moderate to severe RAD will not. They usually need lots of therapy, and children with the most severe RAD may never be able to live in a family successfully, as they require 24 hour supervision to keep them from harming themselves or others.My suggestion to you is that you find a top flight psychiatrist who is experienced in dealing with children who have RAD. He/she can evaluate your child and his/her potential for improvement. He/she can then develop a treatment plan that may include medication, individual therapy, or family therapy. I mention medication because, although medication can't cure an attachment disorder, many children with RAD have associated diagnoses such as depression, oppositional/defiant disorder, and so on, and when medication helps to deal with these conditions, it may make a child more able to focus on talk therapy that is focused on dealing with the attachment problems.A child with moderate to severe RAD is very difficult to parent, and I can understand that you have reached a point of wanting to dissolve your adoption. But until you have tried some fairly intensive therapy, you do not really know whether your child can be helped. I would also suggest, for your own sanity, that you join groups such as ATTACH, which focus on supporting the parents of an attachment disordered child.Sharon