Adult Adoptee Issues

Its so hard to find someone to talk to people close to me about issues surrounding me being adopted. If I bring it up with family they get defensive and tune me out. I feel like I was not loved as much as my sister who is my adoptive parents biological child. My mom always provided me with the monetary things, but I never got that emotional support that I really needed. I find it difficult to open up to her because in the past I open my heart and tell her something and later on when she gets mad at me she will bring it up as a tool to hurt me verbally. Example:me: there is this girl I like so much, she is so cute, her name is ***** I hope we can go farther and maybe have a relationshipmom: listening and doing her best to hear me out:week later:mom is talking about my room being dirtymom: your a fucking slob how the hell do you ever expect to get any girl living like a pigme: thinking ( i should have never told her about the girl then she wouldnt have that ammo to attack meso I learned from an early age I cant open up without fearing future retribution. I feel like because I never had an outlet for my feelings that I turned to marijuana and later cocaine, mushrooms, pills (xanax mainly), and recently dabbling in meth. I was drunk a few weeks ago and I let my mom have it. I told her she should have read adoption books before they got me. She should have known that there would be attachment issues and been more careful through my raising. Sometimes it seems she takes pride in the moments where she took her anger out on me in the past.Now that I am older, I am smart enough and I have the resources where I could seriously hurt her emotionally, and physically (if I were ever pushed to the edge though I feel I would never do that cause I dont live there and there is some distance between us) Anyway I know I hurt her emotionally that night and now she looks so stressed with bags under her eyes and everything. Though I dont care because I am just defending myself, I am tired of being hurt and I needed to tell her what it is she does/ has done that hurts me. I dont have my parents to talk to, I feel like I fucked it up I dont feel comfortable even going to the house (just down the street) I dont have anyone...except one friend I chat with occasionally.Im taking a big break from marijuana and had such a bad episode of psychosis the other day that I am scared to death of Meth now. I texted my mom "I need help" and she aint said nothing... I feel like I should just let it die. Maybe we are just two uncompatible people...I told her real moms dont give up on their child after she told me she has given up on me. I have so much anger towards her but it is bottled up, a beast within...I just want to be close to her, but after 25 years... its just not gonna happen...I need help...-Mike