Adoption consideration. with Dad in another state

Many women have relinquished children because they feel overwhelmed by the thought of single parenthood, with all that it entails. And there is no shame in doing so. Parenting is hard -- and often expensive.However, one good thing about living in the U.S. is that there is a fairly decent "social safety net" for women who want to parent, but need financial and other supports. Single parents often make less money than they need to support themselves and their children, but can take advantage of programs like Medicaid, Aid to Families With Dependent Children, food stamps, Section 8 housing, and so on to fill in some of the gaps.In the U.S., also, there is much less of a stigma attached to having a baby without being married, than there is in some countries. Unless you live in a very isolated community, you will see lots of single women who are parenting without partners -- some, like me, even by choice. (I adopted as a long-divorced 51 year old woman.) These women are not shunned. They have turned to friends and family for emotional support, have found acceptance in the workplace, have drawn strength from others in the same situation, and so on. A few have even managed to find new relationships that have led to marriage, though it's not easy to do that, and you have to come to grips with the notion that you simply may not have the time to date and then build a relationship.So you do have choices. But the best time to make the choices is not when you are grieving the loss of a relationship. Before making the decision to relinquish, take time grieve your loss. You may discover that you find yourself feeling that you are strong enough to be a single Mom and that, in fact, there are advantages to not having another person to second-guess your decisions. You may discover that you have friends and family who can give you emotional support and help you out at times, such as when you are ill and need a brief break from the kids to sleep and recover. Explore sources of financial support, such as government assistance; there's no shame in using it, if you really need it. Think about how you can manage parenting while holding a job; look at options like moving in with another single Mom who shares your values, and arranging work schedules so that one of you will be home to care for the children, most of the time. That will give you a way to have lower rent payments, reduce dependence on day care, and have a built-in social support system.After you have had time to grieve and look at options for improving your situation as a single Mom, if you still want to relinquish, that is your right. But do be aware that many women who relinquish experience long-term grief that is probably a lot greater than the grief you are currently feeling over the loss of your relationship with the father of your child. Be sure to get some counseling to help you through it, especially if you get to the point where you have thoughts of suicide. Also, do be aware that relinquishing will affect your child profoundly. He/she may well have a lifelong feeling of loss, even if she is placed with a wonderful adoptive family, and even if there is some openness in the adoption. If you do relinquish, work with an adoption agency that can find a well qualified family, transition your child to the new home in a way that minimizes trauma, develop an open adoption agreement (if that is your choice), and provide post-placement support to you and your child. There are no costs to women who relinquish their children through an agency.Whatever you choose, I wish you well. I will be forever grateful to my daughter's unknown birth family in China that made the only adoption plan possible for them in their culture -- secret abandonment -- because I have had the wonderful opportunity to become Becca's Mom and watch her grow from a sickly 18 month old to the confident, intelligent, and beautiful 20 year old that she is today. Still, I wish that conditions in her country were such that families did not have to make such a painful decision, or at least that they could get counseling to explore their options and deal with their grief.I know that my daughter has some unresolved anger related to her abandonment, and hope that, someday, she will be ready to explore her feelings with a counselor, I also hope that, someday, we will be able to find her birthparents; she needs answers to some questions, and I just want to thank them for giving me the privilege of parenting her.Sharon