I so need advice. I found my birth mom and she is great.

Hi Me Me, I have been reunited for almost thirty years. What you are going through is not unusual, you are not crazy, and trust me, you are totally normal. I too met a birthmother who I look a lot like, who is loving and kind, and who I feel comfortable with (to a certain extent.) I hope that I can offer you some insight. You said in your post that you were afraid to tell your Mom that you were happy with the result of the reunion. I think that that decision is a little short-sighted. If your mom is so loving and supportive of you, why would you think she would feel negative about your being happy -- elated even? Wouldn't you expect a mother to be happy that her child was happy? I suppose it may be a little hard at first to know that another parental figure is in your life, but with reassurance from you, I'm sure she could find acceptance. The way I look at it is this....we, the adoptees, had NOTHING, ZERO, to do with our existence and subsequent adoption. We had no say in any of these adult decisions that happened when we were in the womb or an infant. We are not the only ones who have dealt with loss, but we had no control, unlike the others. It's our right, therefore, to seek whatever relationship we desire. The worst thing about being an adult adoptee in reunion is holding back, hiding, lieing, "cheating" almost, behind your adoptive family's back. It took my family a couple of years to accept my birthparents, but once they realized that I wasn't leaving them, that I had enough room in my heart for everyone, and they saw how fulfilled I was, everything has been okay. They aren't FRIENDS with each other, but there is an amicable existence. I think, from my own experience, that at first, adoptive parents are very weary. It's an unknown. Our job as good daughters and sons, is to just reassure them that nothing is going to change for them. We are still theirs. We still belong to the family. They must realize that our wholeness and self-worth was diminished at the moment of relinquishment, and that having a relationship with our birthparents is a way for us to heal. Parents naturally want their children to be happy and healthy....so.... Anyway, my advice is to tell you to be brave...take the next step. I'm curious about your adoptive father and birthfather. What of them? Good luck.Laurie

Me Me,As an adoptee and a birth-mother I have had the opportunity to look at adoption through two of the sides involved. I do know my biological father (we reconnected in 1999) and my "real" parents were nothing less than thrilled for me to have that relationship. My mom is good friends with him and his wife, my dad knows him & has spoken to him, but my dad isn't a real 'chatted' kind of guy, so they are best buddies or anything and they haven't had the opportunity to meet face to face; however, I know my dad would meet my Biological-father if the opportunity every presents itself.My suggestion to you would be to have a real heart-to-heart with your mom. Tell her how you really feel, but assure her that the relationship you are developing with your biological mother doesn't lessen your love, appreciation, or devotion to her. Assure her she will ALWAYS be her MOM (don't EVER call your biological mother 'mom'). She may have given you life, but she isn't now, nor will she ever be your "Mom". To me a Mom is the one that stayed up with you all night when you were sick or heard you out when you were hurt or angry. A Mom has ALWAYS been there, face-to-face everyday of your life.I totally agree with Laurie and trust me I understand feeling conflicted with being happy and excited about connecting with your biological family, but you are an adult now and I always look at my relationship with my biological family as friendships (with deeper meaning, of course). But don't now or ever keep things from your Mom!!Have you ever heard the saying; be careful when you start lying, because you will have to continue to tell lies to cover up the original lie (sorry can't remember the exact saying, but you hopefully get the point). My point is, if you start hiding/omitting/denying how you feel or how much you speak to your Biological-mom eventually you will accidentally slip up and say something you don't mean to. Be open and be honest with your mom and ask her to do the same. Example; when I first found my biological father my mom was hesitant at how fast we moved to meet each other face-to-face. Her hesitancy wasn't about the meeting itself, her hesitancy was from the possibility I would get hurt. My mom was being my mom, trying to protect me, as she always has.Hopefully that makes sense to you. I hope everything works out on both sides of your adoption spectrum!! Post updates; I wish more people would do that on these threads. Best of luck to you!!! :)Anna

Here's a great article that echoes a lot of your sentiments:The author writes, "I feared he day my adoptive mom would discover that my birth family found me. I kept it a secret for months. Maybe even a year. I pleaded to my friends to not tell my adoptive mom I found my birth family. I did not hide it from my adoptive mom out of fear that she would be angry or upset with me for searching, or any of the sort. I hit it from my adoptive mother because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I did not want her to feel that I was going to meet my birth mother, pack my belongings, and run away to my 'real' mom."When her mom did find out, however, she was only grateful and happy for her daughter. Like others have mentioned, this may not be an immediate response, but as a mother, I can tell you that I love it when my children bond and attach with other people in their lives. My husband's sister lived with us for seven year and my kids grew very close to her during that time. My 8-year-old, who is very sweet and innocent, will often tell me how much he loves his aunt -that she's his best friend, etc. His relationship with her doesn't take away from mine with him - it just makes his life fuller and richer and more joyful. And so it is with birth parents.

Hi MeMe,I am a birth mother; I found my bson when he was 31. He had registered here on adoption.com but all his information was out of date. I actually located his parents first and my first contact was with his adad. His parents shared the information with him and then let him choose to make the contact in his own time. When he did contact me, he asked me not to tell his parents until he was ready. He did tell them and we have all met. His parents had actually been given fairly accurate information about his bdad and me (as much as they were told) so he had grown up knowing that we were in college when he was born and not in a good place to raise him. (What they didn't know was that his bdad had gotten engaged and married to someone else after I was pregnant with him.) They had kept the one promise I had been given in that he grew up knowing he was adopted. D was interested in finding someone who looked like him. (He looks more like me than either of my other 2 children. ) His wife told me that the first thing he did after talking with his parents was to go to my church's website and find my picture. Since 2005 we have build a good relationship that we describe as comfortable and healthy. He calls me by his first name and his children call me NanaKathy. Neither of us has been interested in replacing his parents with me. His adad died of cancer in 2000 so he never got to meet him unfortunately. I don't know if it helped him but he did learn that he was never a secret. I will say it took a little while for his mom to become comfortable. As I said, both of us were clear that I would never take her place in his life (nor would I try to do so). They remain close and I am glad it is so . I am welcomed to D's home anytime. We originally lived in the same state but he has since moved his family across the country so we don't spend much time together. When he was here he loved to have large family gathering that he invited us to as well. I think there are as many ways to do this as there are people. Some adoptees want very close relationships to the birth family and others want distance. Some birth parents want to reclaim the adoptees and others want the distance to remain. The best time is when both sides agree on the closeness of the relationship. Do not rate your wants on the basis of anyone else's story. Just do as much healing of yourself as possible so that you are in the best place you can be.

I had the exact same thing happen to me. If you want to talk to someone going through the same thing, contact me. Good luck!

I feel what you have been through and wish you good luck!