Need straight information

December 12, 2016

I have been looking into fostering or foster-adopt for awhile now. I've read posts pamphlets, letters from the children themselves and many state requirements and have not quite gotten some of the answers I need. Our first foray into fostering was to apply with a place as house parents. (while at the time there were a few reasons this wouldn't have been a good fit the worst and most recurring is..)Religion. From what I read about child rights and the states regulations you are supposed to respect the child's religion (or lack thereof). but the agency above and now years later a local CPA are both telling me that I would have to raise the children in a specific religious format. the first agency even dictated denomination. The interview person came right out and said that his religion was the only religion anyone else was going to hell. I'm not even talking about say Christian vs Jewish. I'm saying if he was protestant (don't remember exactly) christian that my baptist christian upbringing was wrong. Not once was there a mention of what the children wanted. I am not the most legally informed person but this sort of thing strikes me as basically wrong. freedom of choice and all that. the current CPA did not go that far but definitely is hedging in that direction. What I want to know is just how much control does the CPA have in your personal life? I've had several people who know people (you know those people) who foster and their caseworker etc made them do etc. (We unfortunately only know one family who fosters personally and them barely and they have had none of these issues) but I've heard everything from had to give up the family cat, to the church thing as above, to militaristic control over the state of the sock drawer. I came into this thinking that children needed a safe loving home to nurture them, not a nazi micromanaging brainwash machine. Are we supposed to be helping them or telling them that what little they think is up to them, like what to believe in is wrong? I would just avoid "religion" based agencies but I live in the bible belt and there doesn't seem to be any such animal. We have not even gotten as far as a home study due to issues like this. My wife was raised in a cult setting and has never been comfortable with any religion since we met. I was raised with Baptist father and non denominational mother but do not attend a church. I do have one teenage daughter in a three bedroom home in a nice rural sub division that itself is in a nice nearly crime free community with well ranked schools. My wife and I both work there are daycares only a couple miles from our home and as far as I know my cat has never eaten anyone (not a whole person at any rate) Our daughter (what I consider my "resume" for raising a child) is healthy, smart, active in many clubs and activities in and out of school and well liked by teachers etc. But since we don't attend a specific church are we just unfit to foster? what other issues should we be looking out for? are there questions that I should be asking? am I even in the right place? (i've been searching for a Q&A type forum or foster parent association in my area and nothing yet)

Sharon Kaufman

December 21, 2016

I am so sorry that you have had a bad experience when attempting to foster or foster/adopt.

Regarding religion, there are some private agencies, primarily Evangelical in orientation, that will accept families only if they will sign a statement of faith. Such a statement usually includes such items as a belief in Jesus as the Son of God, the Virgin Birth, the inerrancy of the Bible, and the need to be "born again" and to have a personal relationship with Jesus. These agencies may also require a letter from a family's pastor, andmay decline to work with singles and gay/lesbian people. They may also expect the mother not to work outside the home.

Most private agencies, however, even many with words like "Christian" or "Jewish" in their titles, accept people of all religions and no religion at all. Their main concern is with denying approval to people involved with religious sects that have beliefs and practices that could endanger a child. As an example, in the Bible Belt, there are Christian sects that practice the handling of venomous snakes as a sign of faith in God. There are also Christian sects that encourage corporal punishment of children, sometimes using techniques that border on criminal child abuse -- severe whippings, forcing a child to stand outdoors all night in light clothing, locking a child in a cage, depriving a child of food, etc. Most agencies don't care what religion people have, as long as it is "mainstream" and as long as both parents are in agreement about what religion should be taught and how it should be taught; most are also comfortable with people who are atheist or agnostic, as long as they have given serious thought to how they will teach moral and ethical values and conduct, possibly by familiarizing their children with a variety of traditions -- from Ethical Culture to Islam, and Buddhism to Chassidic Judaism, and including Evangelical Christianity -- showing that all of them share certain beliefs about right and wrong.

Public agencies, of course, are required by law not to discriminate on the basis of religion, and will generally act much like non-sectarian private agencies. Now, it occasionally occurs that a homestudy social worker has some beliefs that she/he cannot put aside when interviewing a family. If a family believes that they were unfairly denied homestudy approval because they are Catholic as opposed to Baptist, for example, a complaint can be registered with the state agency, which should investigate and approve the homestudy and terminate or counsel the homestudy worker, in such a situation. If all else fails, legal action can be taken. Belief in a particular religion should never be a requirement for homestudy approval, unless you are adopting from a foreign country that allows only people of certain faiths to adopt.

Now, with foster care, religion CAN pose a problem for some families. As you probably know, many foster children still have parents whose parental rights have not yet been terminated. The long term goal for these children is reunification with their birth families. As a result, foster parents of these children are expected to raise the children as their biological parents would, if they did not have problems that made them unable to provide adequate care, so that they can transition back to their parents' homes, if possible.

In such a situation, the issue of religion can sometimes get sticky. I think that everyone would agree that foster parents should not attempt to undertake formal conversion of the child to the foster parents' religion, until such time as parental rights are terminated and the foster family is able to finalize an adoption. The problem arises, however, when a biological family holds one set of religious beliefs and the foster family holds another. As an example, should the foster parents drop a Baptist child off at a church of his/her faith, while they go to Catholic Mass in another church? Should the foster family join the child at a Methodist church, even if they would rather be at their Unitarian faith community, or should the family take the child to the Unitarian observance, which will seem strange to him/her? How can a Jewish family practice a faith that is very much home-based, in the presence of a child who was raised to believe in Jesus and doesn't speak a word of Hebrew? And what should any very religious family do, when caring for a child who comes from totally unchurched parents? And what should an atheist family do if their foster child as been taught to kneel in prayer at bedtime, to go to church on Sundays, to say grace before meals, and so on?

Such issues will need to be talked out during the homestudy. If the state agency feels strongly that the foster parents should actively promote the religion of the child, or should be actively involved in a faith community, perhaps the right answer for you will be to forget about fostering and look towards adopting -- either legally free children from foster care, or children available through private agencies. With such children, since parental rights are either already terminated or actively in the process of being terminated, you can often begin integrating them into your family very quickly. Before you even start your homestudy, you should come to some agreement with your spouse as to whether you think that joining a church, possibly one that is liberal in philosophy, would help you teach your child values. If so, you will want to talk about whether you will send your child to Sunday school (or its equivalent), and whether you will consider a religious private school if the local schools don't meet your child's needs. You will want to think about your beliefs and how you would respond if your newly adopted child asks things like, "Is God real? Or is He just sort of like Santa Claus?" or "What happens to people when they die?" or "One of my friends said that I'm going to go to Hell, because I wasn't baptized; is that true?"

Remember that you do not necessarily need to use a local agency to adopt, although you WILL need a provider in your state to do your homestudy. Talk to some non-sectarian agencies, explain your situation, and see if they can refer you to a homestudy agency that won't judge you because you are not churchgoers. I'll bet they can.

Sharon