SOMETHING THAT WORKED FOR ME

We have 5 children, one of whom is adopted. As everyone with multiple children knows, no parenting technique works for every child - even in the same family. So schooling was a crazy time for us. (Our kids are now grown) With our adopted son, high school became a time of great turmoil in our home. Thanks to the internet my husband and I had access to what was happening and expected every day with our kids' teachers - quizzes, grades, homework ... Anyway, every day seemed to be contentious as I would strongly encourage my son to get his late assignments in, to do today's homework, etc. The more I tried to persuade, the harder he dug in his heels. After much pondering, considering together, and praying, my husband and I changed course. With my husband's support, one day when my son got home from school I offered an alternative. Here's how it went: ME: Bryan, you have a choice. I can back completely out of your school life. You will have total autonomy. You can do your homework, or not; get good grades or not; graduate or not. I will stay out of it. Or we can keep going as we are. If you choose autonomy, that will be complete and absolute when it comes to school. This means I won't open any mail regarding your grades, I won't look up anything online, I won't know what is on your report cards, I won't even know if you're advancing a grade or not. I will always be available to help you research something and proof read your work and stuff - but I won't have anything to do with making you get stuff done. ALSO, I will not intervene and plead with your teachers to accept a late assignment ... nothing. So what do you think? Do you need time to think about it? BRYAN: No. That's what I want. Autonomy. You wouldn't believe how our relationship changed! It happened immediately. We laughed together after school. We talked about a lot of things that we never seemed to have time to talk about before. It was like magic. A couple of years later, when graduation time approached, I didn't even ask if he had finished 10th and 11th grades. I figured he had. And I figured he was graduating, but I didn't know for sure. One day at the end of his senior year he came home from school and said he was leaving in a couple of hours for graduation practice. Hooray! When he returned, he had his full packet of graduation paraphernalia. And much to my surprise and delight it included all the cords and extra things that go with his ADVANCED HONORS DEGREE. So for us, with Bryan (not our other kids), showing our trust by truly backing off - that made school a success.