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Hello all, I'm sure sure where to put this, so I'm putting it in general and hope that someone can give me some advice.
My wife and I adopted a 10yr old girl from foster care in August. The transition was difficult due to her behaviors, but things have gotten a LOT better after we started individual (and family) therapy in November. That being said, I'm having some issues with my wife regarding our daughter.
Out of seemingly nowhere, my wife has developed "anxiety". This basically makes her shut down and she removes herself from the home for up to 30 minutes to calm down (and many hours to return to normal). She explains that she starts feeling uncomfortable and it turns into a panic attack. This anxiety has to do with interactions between myself and our daughter. There are several things that bring on these attacks. 1) physical closeness between myself and daughter 2) crossing personal "boundaries" 3) feelings of hate towards wife from adopted daughter 4) arguments between us about adopted daughter.
I think my wife is exceptionally hard on our daughter. When wife is annoyed she will be very short (and often rude) to daughter for no reason. When I ask why this is I get yelled at for always "taking her side". She often calls daughter "evil" or "manipulative" (to me, not to daughter). Our daughter was in a neglected home, and was sexually abused while in foster care. She doesnt have much empathy, and does try o control pretty much all situations. Knowing this though, I stand firm on rules and don't let her slide on much. I'm just not mean about it. She also has ADHD, and is very hyperactive and impulsive. So as long as she's not doing anything remotely "wrong", I just leave her be and let her be her little wild and crazy self. She does listen to rules and follows them about 70% of the time. When she does not follow the rules she will earn consequences, and I do impose them. However, wife often does not see the angry interactions between daughter and myself, mostly because they are quick and are resolved shortly. These interactions always end with a heart to heart between myself and daughter, where we talk about what she did, what she can do better, and how we still love her.
Because I do fun things with her, and because I don't stay mad at her for days on end, daughter has gravitated towards me being the preferred parent (the one she talks to all the time, wants to do things with, etc). After daughter began to open up with me, she became a lot more affectionate. She wants hugs all the time, she kisses me on the check every once and a while, and she wants to cuddle with me on the couch. Some of these behaviors (sitting on my lap) were told to me by our therapist were not appropriate, and were squashed. However all other affections between daughter and myself set off my wife's "anxiety". My parents were very loving and affectionate, so I don't see a problem with this. Her parents, on the other hand, were not very loving and affectionate.
I'm sorry for the super long post, but I'm at my wit's end. Daughter is afraid anything she does will piss off/ make my wife anxious, and I understand that, because I'm starting to feel the same way. Because of this, daughter doesn't talk much or ask too many questions of my wife. My wife says this is her being manipulative, and im taking her side, but its hard for me to think that way because my wife DOES get anxious and pissed off alot, and for a variety of reasons unbeknownst to me. I don't want to stop being affectionate with daughter, because I don't see anything wrong with it. I also don't want my wife to be anxious or pissed off all the time. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for any support!
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First, congratulations on completing your adoption and good luck on all the ups and downs that will present themselves through the years. Parenting--and maybe especially parenting kids from hard places--puts incredible stress on relationships. To the extent that you can, try to empathize with your wife. Developing anxiety is extremely upsetting and actually leads to more anxiety. She will need lots of patience and love to get through it. Your daughter needs to see you two as a united front. If you need to have discussions in private after-the-fact about interactions with your daughter that could have gone better, that's certainly ok. But if you let your daughter see that, she will use it against you and your wife. That's a survival tactic and is understandable that your daughter will use it, but it won't be good for your wife, your family, or even your daughter. I know it can feel like every parenting mistake your spouse makes needs to be corrected. I feel like that all the time with my spouse. But really your wife is doing the best she can, just as you are. I recently read a book that I wish I had read sooner. I thought it was going to be about how to deal with my narcissistic mother, but then I realized it's really more a book of how to set and hold healthy boundaries. It sounds like your wife might be struggling with that, much like I did in the first couple of years with my daughter. It's called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents." Probably anyone could benefit from it, even if you don't think you had narcissistic parents. All the best to you and your family.
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