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Hello All,
I was adopted in 1977 in a closed adoption. Never a secret, my Mom always said she would love to thank my bio mom for giving me life etc. When I had my own children (twins, special needs & 1 more just for fun) I was riddled with questions about my biofamily. The doctors and pretty much anyone we'd meet would ask if twins ran in the family. With my child with special needs we went through A LOT of genetic testing, all of us - and the doctors constantly would suggest seeking out bio info for my child's health and mine.
At 40 (about a year ago) I decided I was ready to "open" myself up and start dna testing. I realized I would be facing some of my abandonment issues as well as a few others so I read books (Primal Wound was immensely enlightening) and about others who had gone on this journey. I was very open with my information. I started on 23andme and eventually also did ancestry dna. On 23andme I had 3 2nd cousins who would not respond to request for information BUT one 2nd cousin had listed surnames. One of those names had a matching birth record(found for free on family search) for me! I was very excited, I now knew my mothers maiden name but not much else.
On ancestry I built 3 trees. One for my adoptive family, one for just my bio build (I only had 1 last name & myself on that tree) and finally a tree I built without me but my mothers maiden name and confirmed gr grandfather. I thought I could build forward from him and figure things out.
The same 2nd cousin also tested on ancestry about the time I was stuck on the possibility of 4 women (2 sets of sisters). She finally reached out to me and confirmed which set of sisters could be my birth mother. She was amazing person, warm & kind and very willing to share my story with her Mother and Aunt. I shared an email to them about my journey, a bit of the joy & pains we all experience ion this road. I included a picture and asked them to share with whomever they felt appropriate. They were extremely kind and understanding, offering to approach both sisters with my information and stating they would ask if it was possibly my Grandfather (the sisters father) had another daughter and maybe thats where I came from? I was so very excited but I did tell them I had wanted to write her a handwritten letter, and I was stuck on getting past "Hello, my name is".
I thought if the information was presented by a love one, maybe it would help easy the shock, I did not want to fumble - I just wanted the kindest approach. I knew both women had families now and I was very scarred and nervous.
Then I got a letter about a week ago...
There was no "Dear" only my first name. I was devastated obviously. Abortion wish? Legal action? "Her" family? "Her" cousin?
A few days later I got another letter, MY 2nd cousins Mom had sent me pictures of cousins, the house my gr gr gr grandfather built, stories of other adopted family and offered any info I wanted. I wrote them (not with the letter) but told them what happened and that with No Judgment I would understand if they no longer wanted to communicate. I think it really help that their response was so immediate and so kind, stating I WAS FAMILY! They offered to confirm by the picture who was the sister that sent the letter, even though we all kind of already knew. I think it helped me recover from the initial blow but left me just as confused as to moving forward.
It turns out I do have 2 grown half sisters. Are those considered Mine too or only "Hers"? I feel like I never got to say my "peace" so to speak, she never allowed me to tell her I wanted nothing more than information. Or to thank her, or to say I am an amazing person - nothing. I never approached her directly, the email was to a 2nd cousin not her. All the record I "dug" into were all FREE PUBLIC records.. I actually have had some issues with cancer, so her medical info was kind of a joke to me - it told me nothing!
The real irony? The first pictures I seen of MY family were posted on the "Vessels" ancestry tree (again PUBLIC). I had ALMOST wrote her at least a hundred times to ask for more info on the surname, but hesitated (I don't know why, fear? maybe). Another ironic twist - my "Aunt" (the other sister ADOPTED her 2 boys, I wonder how they would feel if they had got such a letter?)
Anyway - I'm not sure why I am sharing this, maybe as a way to heal maybe just to let others know - reunions aren't all rainbows & sunshine.
Maybe for advice? I am unsure how to proceed. I feel a tad frozen. I have a Grandmother who is less than an hour away - would she want to know she has Great Grandchildren? I can't say. Would my sister want to know me?
I built my tree's anyway because I owe the Vessel nothing. Her "kindness" was enough for me to know - I probably don't want that person in my life.. but still I wonder?
I read that 1% of birth mothers want no contact. I guess I should play the lottery with my luck - I just want to understand the mentality behind such callousness. I can't seem to wrap my head around it all... I keep searching for "angry birth mothers" on line to understand but there seems so little info on that, most want to meet but want it "secret".
My husband suggested I still write MY letter, even if I never mail it maybe it would help me heal some...
Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. I wonder where the lines are drawn between "HERs" and "MINE" as far as "Family" goes? My point wasn't to cause pain or anger but I certainly accomplished that.... My journey was in love, respect and NO JUDGEMENT.... I'm just trying to understand....
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