Becoming Disillusioned with the Process :(

We have been fostering a 2-year-old boy for 18 months. His mom has been working hard at getting him back, but her lifestyle and poor judgement over and over have made it drag out for a long time. Our foster son thinks this is his home, he thinks we are his parents and he is comfortable here. His mom rarely shows up for visits, and had gotten to the point of check-in visits, until the first visit and it was shown that the home she lives in is unsafe (REALLY????) because of domestic violence with her roommate (not her). So, she has until December 8 or so to find new housing, so she can proceed. But she has only seen him once in the past month. She is also suddenly trying to gain custody of an older son in another state. That plus she has a severe heart condition from IV drug use. She could die any day. We had resigned to him returning to his mom. But now we aren't sure. We have let them know that we can't just hang on indefinitely, that we need to know either way very soon, hence the December deadline. I don't get how she even still has a chance. I understand that she loves him or thinks she does, but there is no way that she is a good parent for him. Is this typical? Also, we have a 4-month-old boy who we've had since picking him up at the hospital at 5 days old. We are over the moon in love with him. He has had feeding issues and is stabilized and sort of barely creeping along a new growth line. I have been to countless appointments, stayed in the hospital with him for 3 days, and I feed him every 3 hours around the clock, never getting more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. He is sweet, happy and so smart. He was exposed to cocaine in utero and the mom lost her 8-year-old son at the beginning of this year and she never even tries to see him. She has missed more than half of the visits, but constantly blames transportation for the missed visits. She has probably seen him 8 times in the past 4 months. She does not come to any appointments and seems completely uninterested in his health. I feel like she has some sort of mental illness, but DHHS hasn't mentioned anything. We were told when we picked him up that he would be with us, at the very least, long-term, probably longer. The intake worker wanted to put his case with an adoption worker as opposed to a foster care worker, but that didn't happen. She left the hospital at 2 days and never once checked on him by phone or any other way. Then she shows up to visits, acting like Supermom, with her hair done and everything. I am the one counting every ounce that he takes, up with him all night, and going to so many appointments, where they have scrutinized and picked me apart trying to find a cause. Currently, they say that the combination of the cocaine exposure and serve silent reflux plus a slow digestive system are the cause. But it took a lot of proving my care and my commitment to convince everyone. DHHS has always been supporting me, but now they are focusing on reunification. I don't get it. How can she have a chance at this point? I was told that there is too much for her to do to get him back. But they are pushing contact. She misses so many visits, and DHHS feels they have to make up the transportation misses and the misses when he was sick. They are now giving her a 4-hour visit tomorrow, to make up, but she missed both Monday and Friday (her fault). How is she going to care for him for 4 hours. That is a long visit for a 4-month-old, especially one who has feeding issues. She has hardly been able to feed him, only once did he eat for her. And she doesn't understand the severity of it. So, the point of my thread, and the two experiences we have had with foster to adopt, is that I am getting really scared. We adopted two children at birth, through an agency, and they are now 11 and 10. We wanted another boy and another girl. But I am feeling helpless and like it's never going to happen :(. I am losing hope. Every person I speak with has had an infant for more than a year, only to have that infant reunified and their hearts broken. Is there any hope? How do you survive this frustrating process?