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Hi!
Brief summary ... we adopted two boys five years ago - then ages 3 and 4, now ages almost 9 and almost 10. I have ongoing written and phone contact with many members of their birth family - a visits are planned in the future but due to great distance we survive through current methods. We have a postiive relationship that I wish was more open but SOME of bfamily is rather unstable and inconsistent in contact.
Anyways, boys are currently resistant to direct contact (which I respect) and as such all contact goes through me. Meaning, I write birthmom/dad/grandma/aunt etc and when they call they talk to me, not the boys etc. Bfamily is very understanding about this and dont ever push the issue due to past history of abuse/neglect. They are understanding of the boys' position in all of this - although I am sure they wish it was otherwise (as do I). Direct visits with the boys and their birthmom etc wont happen until the BOYS decide they are ready - which I can see they are taking baby steps towards and we would expect that they will request a visit within the next year or two.
Saying all that however, bgrandma sent the boys each a Christmas card and money in it. I am requiring the boys to write Thank You cards. Although they have protested I simply said "This is your birthgrandma who loves you and she deserves the respect of a thank you". I suggested they call her "Grandma" but they both refused (I didnt force the issue) and I also suggested they sign the cards "Love" but they both wrote "From". Both cards are nice from the boys ... but one in particular said "We are going to my grandpa's house for Christmas" which I KNOW is his attempt at a "dig" at bgrandma. I will send them with a thank you letter from me for her thoughtfulness.
Is this an appropriate balance between pushing the boys into a relationship they are uncomfortable with and respecting their birth family who are genuinly making an effort to show their attachment to the boys (years late ... but better late than never!).
Its a fine line and I would love others input!
thanks!
Jen
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Hi Jen,
Okay, my feelings are like this...
I wouldn't push them to have contact. Thank you cards, absolutely but I wouldn't push contact. These boys were hurt in their birth family and deserve to "forgive and forget" in their own time. Only God truly knows what "our" kids have lived through. The thought of contact may really frighten them.
I'm not saying to allow them to live their lives as victims but we really can't possibly know everything that has happened before they came to our homes. They may never feel they want or need contact.
I won't face this same issue with my 2 as they don't remember their birth family at all. But I am in contact with their mom and p-grandmom and plan on keeping in contact with her for their sake. If they choose to meet their family when they're older, I'd be supportive. Their extended b-family was around when our fd was being abused and neglected and NO ONE took up for her and kept her safe. She was under a year old too, someone should have. Maybe that's what your boys are feeling about their family.
I won't even bring meeting up to my kids but I will always tell them about their family. If they ask to meet them I'll make the arrangements.
Good luck. I know this isn't easy.
Michelle
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This might be an unpopular opinion, but I would not require that they write thank-you cards. But I would require that they choose between writing thank-you cards and keeping the money. If they refuse to write the cards, they must return the money.
Yes, it's rude. And Yes, it makes for a lot of explanations from you. But I believe that even children that young ought to be able to guard their own hearts and feelings and presumably bodies. Gifts can be used to coerce, make people feel guilty, etc. I would never require ANY person to accept a gift from the family of someone who abused him.
In my opinion, sending the children cards and money directly is not being "understanding" and is "pushing the issue". Bgmother could just as easily sent the money to you with a wish that you'd buy the boys something extra and tell them Merry Christmas from her.
You are interpreting her actions as "thoughtful" and "genuinely trying to show their attachment". From your description it seems like your boys are interpreting her actions as pushy, or at least as making them uncomfortable (and possibly fearful) and certainly sticking her nose in where it isn't wanted.
You're waiting for their comfort level to increase before they visit in person. I think I'd also wait for that comfort level to increase before contact in the mail, too.
The boys are THRILLED with each letter we get and love to read them and have them read to them. They re-read them repeatedly and were very happy they got the present from bgrandma. And thats what I did -- they gave me the money until they were willing to write a thank you card :). Which took all of 12 seconds to convince them. They happily choose presents for their birth sisters, wrap them and address them. They love knowing that if they have a question I can immediately get the answer for them.
I agree that bgrandma could send things directly to me - but she doesnt and thats ok. I screen everything that goes to the boys and there has never been anything sent or said inappropriately. The card that accompanied the gift simply said "To G, I love you. Jane" Perfectly appropriate in my books.
Their anger comes more from the fact there are big gaps of time where we hear nothing from bgrandma. THATS the resentment - this year we hear, but next year we might not. In order for the boys to trust her they need to know this isnt a one time thing. Its the first present in FIVE years from her. The boys are however beginning to trust their bdad who said he would write weekly - and has for the last several months.
I understand the "claiming" behaviors the boys do - I just also know they might be hurtful to the bgrandma. Who might not be doing OUR best - but I know she is doing HER best. Make sense?
Anyway these relationships are never clear cut are they?