How do I handle all these emotions?

Schatz, Would you mind emailing me privately? There we can talk more. I am at: Lifemother@earthlink.net I will say this here: Some folks think that open adoption, especially one with visitation, makes it "easier" on the bMom to "move on" with her life. And that just isn't true. Like you said, we are forced to constantly face our choice. Open adoption makes things a bit more bearable. Personally, I couldn't imagine not being able to have contact with my daughter - but even still, it hurts. Hope to hear from you soon, Skye

Schatz, Please don't worry that your child's adoptive mother thinks you are "worthless." It's just the opposite!! Without YOU, she would never know what is feels like to be a mother. She wouldn't have all of the kisses and hugs and love that she is getting from her/your child. I, for one, have ENORMOUS respect for my son's birthmother, and ANY birthmother, for that matter. My definition of love is doing whatever is best for another person no matter how much it hurts. That is what you did when you placed your baby for adoption. In order to override your pain and maternal instincts, you must have been 100% committed to doing what you believed was BEST for your baby. That isn't the action of a "worthless" person. I am in a semi-open adoption, and my son's birthmother has chosen not to contact me -- she just wants pictures and letters, which we provide. I often wonder about how she is doing. I pray for her regularly, as does my family. I pray that God will help to ease the pain in her heart. I pray that the letters and pictures I send will reassure her that her son is happy. Even though we have an arrangement where we never see each other, I think about her, her life, and her pain. If I can be this "in tune" with the sacrifice that she made, I would imagine that an adoptive parent who actually sees you -- and the pain in your eyes -- would be even more "in tune." Your child's adoptive parents probably prayed for years to have the honor of raising a child. YOU provided the answer to that prayer. You are their ANGEL!! Please don't question your worth. I hope that Skye, or another birthmother who has walked the walk, can help you through your grief. I cannot imagine the pain that you must feel, and I deeply respect your love for your child. Not many people would endure this kind of pain to give somebody else a better life. - Faith

Dear BM I can't relate to everything you are saying here. But I want you to know you have helped me. Sometimes people don't realize that they can be an inspiration to someone. You have been my inspiration this morning. My fear of adoption is the BM. As a matter of fact we both fear one another. I fear that the BM would want to take the baby away from me after I have prepared to love the BM baby and take very excellent care of the baby. I have learned that through you the BM and AM should confide in each one another. may be she could ease your mind. I'm sure you were a blessing to her, you allow her to be a parent. I think you did what was best for you. I will pray that you get better. I hope what I am saying bring you comfort. You have certainly brought me comfort. Now I realize that a BM really wants what is best for her baby. She want to make sure her baby is fine. I think I can go on with my adoption process without having so much fear. I wish you well- God bless.

Some states are implementing laws regarding open adoption to prevent aparents from promising "the moon" and then refusing contact after the baby is placed with them. Your emotions are very understandable, in my opinion. We've been asked to adopt a baby due this month and the birthmother is a young lady very close to us. Initially we refused. But, as time progressed and much prayer ensued, we've agreed. The most challenging aspect for me personally is knowing the pain this precious young lady will walk through if she indeed places this child with us. We would be thrilled to parent this child should she go through with the placement but, at the same time, my heart is overwhelmed with the emotions that will confront her. She will be getting intensive grief counseling. Do you have anything like that available to you? Since your situation (and ours) is to be an open adoption, trust is the biggest factor to be maintained between all parties. I want the baby's birthmom to be completely honest with me. We've already walked through a very difficult contested adoption, but it helped me to understand the loss a birthfamily experiences. I'm no longer "threatened" by a birthfamily's involvement in our lives- in fact, I welcome it. Regardless of the depths of love an adoptive family has for a child, there are certain "gaps" that ONLY a birthfamily can fill, questions to be answered. You are a very important link to this child's history. My prayers are with you.

Schatz, I know that you are somehwat familiar with my situation....and as an amom, I would say that honesty is the best policy. I would bet that the amom is also having fears and doubts, and emotions that although different, are very much like yours. You both love your child, and are both still trying to find your roles in his/her life. You can possibly be a comfort to each other by sharing your feelings. By letting her know your fears of overwhelming her, maybe she will share what the boundaries are so you don't have to have that fear. Maybe there are no boundaries. It is still so early in your situation, that it is important to start off on the right foot with honesty and respect. I sure wish that my son's Bmom showed ANY kind of emotion at all, towards me, our son, the whole situation.........the more you share with her, the more she can share with your child as she grows. For me, I had no sympathy at all for Bmoms, even after I heard the stories....not until I became a mom. Once I knew what it felt like to love a child more than anything in the world, and to want to do whatever in my power to ensure my child;s happiness, only then could I relate somewhat to a bmoms feelings. Hope this helped some Stacy

Schatz, I really know how you feel I am having all of the same emotions! My story is a little different b/c for the first year of my daughter's life I was numb, and b/c I never rocked the boat everyone (including the aparents) thought I was handling everything really well. Now, I rarely hear from the aparents and I'm afraid I'm too hurt and angry to talk to them. Some days I want to call and have a long conversation and others I wish I could just let go of it all. So now my daughter is 2 and I feel like I just placed her...I hope someone is able to help you and provide answers. I do know that it is really healthy that you are open to and expressing all these feelings and fears. I wish I had of had the same strength. Be of good courage, you may battle but not alone!

Thanks Matri for giving your support to Schatz. I'm sorry to hear that you rarely see your daughter - did you have an agreement to see her more? Have you had any post adoption counseling? Any support groups in your area? I know the right support group can be very beneficial. If you'd like, let me know your state, and I can do a search of support groups. Let me know, Skye [url]http://lifemothers.tripod.com/spoken.html[/url]

Skye- We do have an open adoption with at least 4 visits a year, but I now live in another state and so that is why I rarely see her. When I was living back home i did see her pretty regularly at first but the more it hurt the less I visited. Now the aparents leave all of the contact up to me, which can be a real burden b/c I get tired of calling and asking for letters or picures (I feel like I bother them). The whole situation is pretty complicated, some highlights- the afather is an old friend of my dad, they adopted another child about 6 months ago, i have a 15 month old son now. It's really a long story, all that rambling to say that we do have an open adoption agreement it just hasn't been handled that great by either party. As for post adoption counseling I did go for a little while after my daughter was born but I felt betrayed by my counselor in a way I guess. Probably b/c she was the pre adoption counselor and she was the one who had me sign all the papers in the hospital. I think she was too involved in the logistics of everything it was hard for me to trust her emotionally. They had a support group that I attended twice but at the time, I was too angry to sit and listen to other women, especially ones who seemed to be so at peace with their decision. And the last thing I wanted to do was deal with everything, so I quit going period. I appreciate the offer for support groups in my area. I still am not sure if I am ready for that. That may sound crazy b/c it has been 2 years but I just don't know if I am. a/w thanks for listening.

Hello Matri Okay, thanks for explaining things. My offer still stands if you ever change your mind. :) And, I think it's unfair that the aParents put everything in your hands. Since they hold the legal responsibitly, I think most of the initiation should go to them. Of course, I do think it is great for the bMom to make the first move, but for the most part, I think it should be up to the aParents. As bMoms, we already face enough doubt and feelings of "am I intruding?" ..even if we know that we know that we are welcomed to contact. Plus, I like it when my daughter's aParents reach out to me ...it reaffirms that I am special to them, and that they will honor their agreement. Like the starter of this thread and a dear friend of mine said ..."I wish my daughter's adoptive Mom knew the power of invitation" In saying that, I am in no way implying that your child's aParents don't enjoy you and value your role in your child's life ...it's just, some people don't know any other way and just hope for the best. :) Hugs, Skye