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I am in the midst of adopting a 9 year old girl from foster care.
Whenever she visits with me, she calls me Mama, and when she is with a foster mom, she calls them Mama. Whenever she moves from a placement, she very quickly calls them by their other names...like Aunt L___, or Ms. T____.
Now she is in a placement very close to me, and i see her every week, and often run into her and her foster mom in the area. So now, with me, she will refer to her current foster mom as Miss. B___, or Mama, but at the same time will call me Mama, or Miss Kim. I've talked to her to find ot if she understands the difference between us, and she said, yes, she will be living with Miss B____ for a little while, and then when she moves with me, she will live with me forever, but she will still get to see or visit Miss B_____.
I'm wondering if the fact that everyone is Mama, is a convenience, or does it speak of attachement issues? When she is living with me, and i get a babysitter, will she call her Mama? If she visits with Miss B____ later, will she call her Mama?
I dropped her off at her house one day, and there were children outside, and she knew these children, and i knew that she had probably referred to Miss B_____ as Mama, yet when a little boy asked who i was, she replied, that's my Mama. To which the little boy questioned "That's your Mama???" and left it alone, although looking confused.
Is she confused? :confused:
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Probably yes. Nancy Thomas refers to the term "mom" as her title, so kids in her care call her mom. I have friends who have their foster or new placements call them mom Beth(or whatever their name is). How could a kid who's been moved a lot really know what "mom" means? Hopefully, during her healing with you, MOM will become what it really is. Good luck.
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I think I would try to find a unique name for myself. If every other placement had had a "Mama", I'd be "Mom" - something like that. So that you could explain, "you've had lots of 'Mama's' in your life, but now I'm your forever Mom" (or whatever title you choose.) Something to help her make the distinction that you're not just the latest in a long line of interchangeable "Mama's" - you're the Forever model! To answer your last question, yes, she probably is confused, she has no idea what it really means to have a forever mom. It took my son just a few weeks to adjust to the title once he moved in - the reality took well over a year.
Hopefully your transition time won't last too much longer, and she'll be with you and on to the next challenges soon! Best wishes to you and your new daughter.
What you are seeing is typical with foster children, as many other posters have mentioned. They have had lots of "Mom's" in their little lifetime. A 9 year old in the foster system is definately at risk of attachment issues. Attachment is on a continium, so that does not necessarily mean RAD.
There is a lot you can do to facilitate attachment. This really should be done for any new child entering a home, especially an older child. I haven't started a new book yet - but it is highly recommended: Attaching In Adoption by Deborah Gray. From skimming through this book, I think it could help new families quite a bit.
I would VERY STRONGLY encourage you to stay home with her as long as you can, maybe even homeschool for a short while. Try to recreate infancy in a 9 year old world. Become her world, become the center of her universe. Keep her by your side, within close range of you as much as possible. Cook together, bake together (slip in a little "feeding her" by giving her tastes of what you are making), do crafts together, do chores together, run errands together, read together, do her hair and nails,etc. Even if you can't stay home, do this as much as possible.
I would encourage you to keep her world small at first. Let her just focus on adjusting to you and your family. There is lots of time later on for outside activities. Certainly include her friends in your life, but at your home - keeping her in contact with you as much as possible.
Be 1--% reliable with her. When you say something mean it. Don't try to cut her too much slack, that will just create confusion and insecurity. Rules and structure provide security and safety for a child no matter how much they resist them. Her past has been full of inconsistencies and chaois, show her how different her new life will be.
There are lots of web sites you can check out regarding attachment. RAD is not the end of the world. Many attachment disordered kids do get better when they get the right help. My son, who is almost 10, is one of the success stories. I would recommend checking out Dr. Art's website: [url]www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com.[/url] There are lots of good articles and links there.
Good luck and congratulations! DimasMom
Don't worry about who the child calls Mama. This status will easily transferred to you as the new Mom.
Our children called their foster mother Mama. At first it was difficult for us to hear our children calling someone else Mama, but we quickly realized that the Foster mother had been a very important person in their lives.
The reality for us was that within only a few weeks the children we adopted quickly started calling us Mom and Dad. Everyone commented upon this.
This is just one way that the Foster parent has made your child's transition easier. Be thankful. If you think about it when you were very young you might have called a grand-parent or a baby sitter that you really loved Mama. You understood that they weren't your actual mother but it gave you a way to refer to that person.
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