Birthmothers in denial

I thought I would just share with you some of the feelings I had experienced. My pregnacy and birth of my bdaughter was all kept a secret. She turned 18 this year. With her 18th birthday it has brought overwhelming feelings. I had to start counseling to try to sort through them all. I believe first I was scared. I was scared of how it would effect my marriage(not my husband's child, although he knows). People in my life do not know, so I was scared of what they would think of me once they found out. But I knew first and foremost what she wanted and needed from me now would come first, if she decided to contact me. If I hadn't started counseling and found this web site, I don't know if I would ever be ready emotionally if she were to contact me. A few weeks ago I was so scared and confused, but now I feel excitement at the thought of meeting her maybe. I feel from my experience that bmothers need to deal with the fact that their bchild may come looking, and deal with all those issues before there is ever contact. Maybe the ones who continue to suppress all of it just can't deal with the reality when it does happen. I probably would of been there too if I had not gotten help. I'm sure it is alot more complex, but that is my experience.

No doubt bringing up the past and raking up deep deep secrets must be very difficult... We tried contacting bm 3 1/2 years ago and she didn't want any contact.. we waited about 3 months and this time she reiterated her NO CONTACT quite hotly... We haven't even received medical info !!! mn125 you have given us hope that she may yet come around.. I hope so... thank you... Don't suppose it would help if we tried to enlist a support or counselor to unobrusively and gently talked to her (no pressure)??? Umm, anyone know any such help in/near Toronto, Canada??

I initially contacted my bmom 13 years ago through an agency. It took over a year to find her and she adamently refused contact. I was devastated. A year ago I started my search again . Sadly, my bmom had passed away, but I have had a wonderful reunion with my siblings. When I told them of my first search, they told me that I had tried to contact her at the worst possible time. (There was no way I could have known that of course.) She was having marital problems and I threatend the security that she had worked so hard to achieve. The rejection was NOT about ME> So there may be things going on in your bmom's life that make it impossible for her to see you now. I know my bmom went thru a very traumatic time having me(almost disowned by parents) and she was told never to let anyone know. I have the same situation with my bDad now. But I am still hopeful that after he works through his feelings he will contact me.

Snuffie: you are right of course.. we don't know enough about current situ and close relationships... Maybe it is a bad time!! But the scary thought is, is that she ain't getting any younger and only she knows the secrets of who on earth bd is.... etc..... mn125: Oh, your situ sounds just so similar! Have been in contact with sibs (wow, there are a lot of them - one older as well, that was a shock... ) the reaction really was a mixed bag.. some keen some cautious some disbeliving... Overall they decided that if bm denied everything then they weren't going to upset her in her twilight years... so now there is no contact at all, everyone has clammed up, its really sad, there are so many things in common.. to the point of freaky really.... nuture vs nature, etc... (worth a study at least) They haven't lost any love or respect for her at all, they seemed to have gained a far greater understanding of her and are being really protective... OK... Still hoping one day she and thus they will all come around.. if not then maybe they'll come round after bm passes away.. that in itself would be OK, but it would leave just so any questions unanswered !! After all , who knows, there may be stacks more siblings on bd side !!!! For now I think we'll just keep popping our heads up every now and again just to say, still here and if you want contact do so....