Boycotting the Agency?

I did not go through Bethany Christian Services, as my adoption was handled privately, but if I had to reccomend an agency to someone, it would be Bethany. When I was pregnant with my 6 year old, I considered adoption, but his father would not sign. But I had contacted the Bethany office in my area and they were awesome in helping me and wished me the best of luck when I decided to parent. Now after placing a baby, I have contacted Bethany again. They run a birthmom support group in my area. you do not have to have placed through Bethany, just be a birthmom. At my first meeting, I figured the leader (wh works for Bethany) would not be as nice to me because I had gone through Bethany. But I was wrong. She has gone out of her way to help me. Even sent me an awesome work book dealing soley with greif as a birthmother. This lets me know that Bethany does not look at a baby as a commodity, but looks at a young woman in a crisis pregnancy as a person. Coley

Thanks, Coley for the thumbs up on my agency from a birth mother! I should have stated in my original post that they will work with any pregnant woman no matter where she is from, it is just the adoptive parents that must live within their service area. So I went back and edited my post to reflect that.

I know !!!;) (You really got my attention with this thread)

From the original post, I noticed that most of the women who were dissatisfied with agencies lived in PA. I live in PA and have researched every agency I could find in the area. It was very discouraging! The least expensive was Bethany. However, cost was not on a sliding scale (though some Bethany agencies in other states offer this). They charge $15,900, not including a whole list of things like legal fees, contacting bfather, post-adoption counseling, etc. Still, I really wanted to go with Bethany, but they just don't handle many adoptions in PA (they told us they placed <15 infants last year.) I found that most other agencies in this area are in the $20K - $35K price range, and some even require as much as $10K up front before you are even matched! We did finally find an agency who placed 50 - 60 infants last year and is reasonable for this area, I guess ($19K). They also only do open adoptions, which we are looking for. We also checked out Abrazo in TX, but with travel expenses, it would be more than $20K. Also, we would prefer not to be that far away from the bfamily. One of the reasons I decided to go with an agency was that this limits the "legal risk" period that PA has. In PA, the bparents can reverse the decision to relinquish up to the point of finalization of the adoption. This is about 4 months after placement if you go with an agency, versus (I think) 6 or 8 months if you go independently. While I want the bparents to be 100% sure of their decision, I don't think I could handle a disruption after 6-8 months of having a baby in my home (and even 4 months would be unbearable).

I have been doing alot of reading and to the best of my knowledge if bparents and adoptive parents are in agreement on an adoption all that needs done is a homestudy to comply with most state laws ( done by a social worker) mine is charging $500.00 and a lawyer $3500. to file the paperwork with the courts. Most bmoms can be covered by medicad and the baby is usually covered after the birth as it is by law still the bmoms child. I am not completely sure but I even think the pre-adoption counseling is covered. I have est: this at max of 5,000. The agencies I have read most on state that the fees are for paperwork ads, in phonebooks and newspapers and tv, bmom mother counseling, and all care they provide. I know have left alot of the list off. Just seems ... that 18-25,000 could be better spent on raising the baby. And this should apply to the adoption of all newborns there should be no higher fees charged due to the baby's race. Just wanted to let notadumbld know that if the bparents have found aparents they need not have to use an agency. My husband and I plan to use Link adopt in NC which to my understanding DOES NOT CHARGE AT ALL . (they request a donations)donations are tax deductible after you have been matched or placed. The adoptive parents decide how much to donate. Okay so this is my soapbox today Sorry all. Good Luck and if you need further info please email me privately and I will try to help.

I was immediately taken aback by "lifemom" term which I've never heard before. As an adoptive mom, I consider myself, my adoptive childs "lifemom"!! I will always be here for him to provide love and support throughout his life, that is a lifemom. I like the term "birthmom" because it truly means exactly what that woman is, providing the birth of a child. This is my opinion!!! I know there are some strong emotional individuals in this forum and I'm just venting, ok :) As far as agencies go, there are plenty of wonderful agencies that can be easily found by doing some research and christian ones if you want. Two that I highly recommend is Heaven Sent and Marks of Grace. That is, if you are seeking a biracial or AA baby/child. Marks of Grace only requests you sign a "Statement of Faith" and you can adopt under $10K in most cases, just depends on the situation.

I can't emphasize enough about this "lifemom" term - let's stick with the norm among the adoption world and not create new names which really don't properly define what a birthmother is - she is not the lifemom - break "life" and "mom" and define them individually - is that what a birthmother is? No.

In CT we must go through an agency. There are no private adoptions. But we found a good agency that cares about my daughter. They've made sure she knows all her options and the support available if she decided to keep her child. They have never pressured her or made her to feel she "owes" anyone a baby. I read a lot of horror stories about agencies and am happy we are having a good experience, considering the circumstances anyway.

I generallu use the term birthmother when describing myself or other woman who have placed babies for adoption. I understand where the term lifemother comes from and it is a more popular term, thanks to Skye Hardwick who is a birthmom and created a web site for birthmothers called Lifemothers. I believe (and Skye correct me if I am wrong) that the term is used because it is referring to the person who gave the child life. But, on a personal note, my FAVORITE term is firstmom or firstmother, because I was my birth son's first mother and that's the only first I got. But generally speaking in a forum like this, I think its better if we keep the "politically correct" approach and use the term birthmother, just because more people understand and reconize it and its a little more clearer. Coley

What is a Lifemom? I am. My name is Skye Hardwick, founder of Lifemothers - which is a support site that celebrating Birthmoms not only for what they have given ..but also for who they are as persons. I did not invent the term - it has actually been around for some time. I'd like to think, however, that I have recently made the term more popular. So, why did I choose Lifemom ..and what does it mean to me? Lifemother is another name for birthmother. Some prefer firstmother, many are fine with birthmother, some go by natural mother, but I am quite comfy with Lifemother. In my everyday lingo--as well as in my writing--I stick to birthmother so I don't cause confusion. (I am a writer for Adoption Today mag, as well as Adopting.Org) You see, I believe that God is the creator of all life, but somehow, the term birthmother did not feel right to me. I believe I did more than give birth to my daughter ... So why be stuck with a title that only accredits me to giving birth? Calling me a Birthmom states that I am only important for one reason ..giving birth to my daughter. However, I have a fully open adoption ..and I will continue to be involved in her life ...for life. Many women give birth ... but is it the act of giving birth that makes us mothers? On the other side of the triad ... is it the act of signing an adoption decree that makes us mothers? No, it is the *love* we have for our children that makes us mothers. That's why mothers come in many different forms! I chose life for my child, not only when I continued the pregnancy, but also when I chose adoption. Her and I will always have a connection; not only because she came from my body, but because of the love bond we formed throughout the journey of my pregnancy. My daughter's adoptive mom is her mommy, and I will forever be her Lifemother. The *life* in lifemothers represents the life we give to our children when we choose to carry the pregnancy to term. The life in Lifemother represents the life we give to our children when we choose adoption, in other words, a better life than we could have given them The life in Lifemother represents the life we as Birthmoms will continue to have ...may we strive to have promising futures ...and a life that will make our birth children proud. (Of course, just as there are those who give the term birthmom a bad name ..there are those who give lifemom a bad name too!) Lastly, you may not like the term "lifemother" and that is fine. I respect that - only respect that others do like the term, and use it. When I saw the original poster use the term "lifemom" ..I admit, it was so refreshing! :) Others may refer to me as a birthmom ..a bio mom ..a doner ...what have you. But it is *not* their titles of me and my role in my daughter's life that make me who I am ..but the title I choose to give myself. May each birthmom find who she is ....and regardless of others opinions, wear it with pride. I will forever be a Lifemother - take me as I am. Just as nicole stated she loves the term "Firstmom". And yes, my daughter's aMom can be called a 'lifemom' too! After all, she's the one who is giving my daughter's life direction and guidance. But ..she's already got the title of "mommy" ..and I lifemother. Take care - Skye

Thank you Skye for explaining the term lifemothers. I knew I could not adequately do it justice as you do. I even understand it better myself, now. But, I think the most important message I got from Skye's post, was that the title we wear is not important. Its the role we play and how we play it. Coley

I may not belong in this discussion because I have not yet had the honor of being chosen to raise a little one, but... I have no ego hangups with what the woman who will entrust me with her baby wants to call herself! I too, feel that the term birth mother simply does not do her role justice. I use the term sometimes for lack of a better one, but I prefer 'Placing Mother' or 'First Mother' when it will fit the situation. I had not heard 'Life Mother' before coming to this board and I think it is a very fitting title for the woman who will give not only the beginning nine months of life to the baby who will be my son or daughter, but also provide a wonderful future life to this child we both will share together forever in our hearts. And I hope she will be there for the lifetime of this baby. Just because she won't provide the parenting, doesn't mean this child will never again need her. The whole point of adoption is that neither of us can be the parents we want to be without each other. When she chooses me to be the 'Mommy' I will embrace her as the family member I hope she will someday feel comfortable being.

Thanks Coley - you know, I decided last night that I would make a page on Lifemothers just about what the term means. I think it is important for other birthmoms to know. Twyla - Thanks for understanding. I've always enjoyed your thought provoking posts ..and I believe from what I've read from you over the past few months that you will be an amazing Mommy to a special child ..AND a wonderful friend to the birth/life/first mom of that child. You truly are a breath of fresh air in the adoption community! So ..thanks! Take care, Skye

While reading all of this I was just wondering how many birthmothers out there might feel used, almost like a producer of a commodity regaurding some agencies fees? When agencies take the child they are wishing to place in a loving home, and then charge that adoptive family they have pinned their (the b-mom's) hopes upon $15-35,000+, how does that effect how they(the b-moms) feel about placing a child? As if it were not difficult enough! I am sorry but I feel agencies who charge so much to waiting families, are offering a soft of slap to the face to those b-mom's as well. How can they be impartial, or offer the best insight on adoption to the prospective b-mom, when so much $$$ is riding on the match for themselves? As for our own private, non-agency adoptions, both times I remember the birthfamily making the statement that they wanted things to be done as "inexpensively" as possible & they wanted nothing($$) for themselves. If most birthparents, as I have come to believe, want to place and have as little money as possible be a part of the senario, how do they huge fees that some agencies charge make them feel? This is merely a question, sincerely loking for some birthparent, or those considering's insight. God bless, Peanut

I myself am a birthmother. I do not have a problem with the term birthmother. I feel kinda silly calling myself by other names, that's just my personal preference. I call myself a birthmother because it is what I feel most comfortable with. HOWEVER...there is a thread on the birthparent support forum that deals with this topic and I noticed that the vast, vast majority of birthmothers seem to agree with Skye and wish to be called "Lifemothers". I think, this being the case, perhaps in the interest of being sensitive to the birthmother's feelings, you should just call her whatever she wants to be called. I mean, if it makes her feel better about the whole situation, then what does it really hurt? After all, you're the one who, in reality, will be raising the child. Why not just offer the birthmother this token respect, out of consideration for the sacrifice she has made? _Sharon