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I am SO SO conflicted right now. My daughter was placed in foster care because of neglect. Her mother said that she bonded to the older kids in the family, but each one less than the other. But she could not bond with my daughter, so she was systematically starving her. Nice, huh? Mom and Dad signed over custody last year, and my daughter came to live with me in Nov. '02. I still don't have her whole case file because of the way in which she was placed, but I will have it within a week or so.
The problem is that I had been under the impression that NO ONE in my daughter's birth family was interested in having custody of her. That made me relax about things, and to even entertain the notion that if the siblings went back to the birth family, we could have moderated contact - photos and letters exchanged through my agency. But NOW I find out that a family member DOES want custody of my daughter, and that she has been HOUNDING the state case worker for info. about her! The state has already terminated rights, and my daughter will definitely be adopted by me, but this now means that I am worried that her aunt will find her somehow. It also means that I don't want to send photos of her to her brothers and sisters, because I don't want her aunt (who will probably get custody of the kids) to see what my daughter looks like. What if she sees her in the store, or on a parking lot, or at school and decides to take her? I don't know that the aunt is that kind of person, but I've been led to believe that she is not the type of person I would want my child to be around. I mean, she knew about the starvation and did NOTHING to help my daughter.
I feel a strong obligation to my daughter to do whatever I can to keep up with her siblings, and at least know where they are if she ever wants to make contact when she's older. I would love for them to know how she's doing, and for her to be able to recognize their photos, know their names and a little about them. Then if they want to reunite later, it might be a little easier for them. I know one of her brothers misses her terribly.
How do I maintain a connection when the family has hurt her so badly, and may want to reclaim her illegally? Has anyone else had a situation where the birth family was antagonistic, but they were still able to maintain contact? How did you do it? How did you preserve your personal information while letting your child know they had more family members out there?
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This is probably not what you want to hear, but you need to step back and really consider giving your daughter the gift of being reunited with her birth family and siblings. You stated that the aunt knew about the starvation, but are you sure? Could she have tried to get the kids? Was she the one who reported the mother? Could she have not known?
The fact that your daughter wants to be with her siblings, and her aunt is offering her a safe and loving way to do this could be the best thing for her. I have a grandfather and brother-in-law who are adopted. I am also a former foster parent who has also adopted. I know the power of love one can have for a child in their home as a foster placement. I also know that love can turn selfish when possession is questioned. Be true to yourself and ask if you are holding on to her because she's "yours" or because it's truly the best situation for her.
The other fact you must face is that the aunt has legal precedence over you, regardless of how long you have had your foster daughter. That is the law. If you petitions the court, they will have to prove her unfit to deny her the niece. Since she has custody of the other children, then she has been found fit.
Remember, it is always better for an adult to bear the emotional trauma of a painful situation than for a child to. You will be crushed, but she is in pain now for her birth family. This pain will only get stronger, not weaker, over the years, no matter how great a mother you are to her.
I wish you the best in this awful situation.
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I appreciate all your points, and agree with many of them. However, let me clarify some of the situation, which I think changes things a bit.
The aunt has already been disqualified to take custody of my daughter. She has been legally severed from her birth family, and I am already in the process of adopting her. It's no longer a foster-adopt situation. So going to her aunt is not an option. Even if I said I felt that was best for her, and I do not, the state would not place my daughter with her birth family - she would go to another adoptive home. I had a discussion with my daughter's court advocate, who has met the family numerous times, and she said that she can't understand why the possibility of any of the kids going to the aunt exists. My daughter's case worker agrees. But as we all know, it's up to the judge.
According to the case worker, the aunt knew the situation, and did not call anyone. She also did not remove my daughter, even though the birthmother was willing to let her go. PRS became involved when the birthmother called an adoption agency wanting to give up two of her kids. Why the aunt stayed on the sidelines until later is anyone's guess.
Also, my daughter is 2 years old, and hasn't seen her siblings for 7 months. She may have memories of them, but I don't know whether or not she misses them. She may not remember them at all, since she hasn't lived with them for a year. But she may miss them, and that's why I want to maintain contact of some kind. If the kids go to a non-relative adoptive placement, I am hoping that family will agree to actual visits.
I agree that if my daughter were older, this would be an even bigger issue, because she would definitely remember her siblings. Her older siblings have said that they are not interested in seeing her again, but one of her brothers asks about her. I feel so sorry for him. I would have considered adopting him as well, but the state chose to keep all the other siblings together.
P.S. I TOTALLY believe in keeping siblings together, but this one was not my call - it was decided by the state a year ago. If it were my call, I would have kept all the siblings together, and searched for a family to take all of them. But instead, I was blessed with this beautiful, sweet daughter.
Jenna - I feel for you and can understand your concern for your daughter. After my ex was killed and his mentally unbalanced mother sued me for excessive visitation, I knew that it would initially be difficult for my daughter to understand, but that it was for HER best interest to not have contact. You must think of your daughter's best interest. She is young and will not remember her first year of life with her birthmother, so why expose her to any situation in which she is forced to remember or wonder? She doesn't need to be exposed to slanderous talk or to vindictive family members who will fill her head with God only knows what.
My suggestion is to allow her brother that misses her so much, to write her letters, color her pictures, make her videotapes, or whatever he wants to do as a way of keeping in touch. But have them sent to a PO box or to an intermediator. You could also keep a little scrapbook of info available, so he could one day access it and see how his little sister grew up. Maybe when he reaches 18 years of age he can independently contact you so that they can meet each other. Let your daughter know that he is out there and that he loves her, but explain (age appropiately) why you are not allowing visitation. I have done this with my daughter and she is very aware of why she is not seeing her grandmother. And no, I do not talk badly of her, I just explain how she behaves towards me and tell my daughter that I don't want her exposed to that kind of negativity.
You need to protect your daughter from her aunt and I can understand your fear about her being kidnapped, because stuff like that DOES happen. I still live in constant worry that we are going to run into my ex-mother-in-law in a store, or that she is going to show up on my doorstep. People may think you are being over dramatic, but who cares? You look out for your family and be concerned only about their well-being.
Sorry to be so long winded, but I have been in your shoes and know the thoughts that are going through your head about wanting to do the right thing!
Renee
Jenna -
I can relate to your story and situation. I have an adoptive daughter - but the similarities are with my step-son. Who was abandonded by his birth-mother more than 4 1/2 years ago.
I am always wondering will she return, will she try to make contact - would that be good for my son? I am actually pleased that my fears remain in my mind and have not turned into reality.
Stick to your intuitions, they sound accurate and the best for your daughter. She needs to be your main focus of concern -
Keep the faith!
Jenna, Sometimes we need to step up for the child's rights. Your child's abuse will become a distant memory as she lives with you, and you are able to provide a stable, loving home!! So don't worry about that aunt!! Where was that aunt when the child was next to death????? I really think that you need to cut all ties with that family, and even though you said you want to send the brother pictures and things like that, are you really sure you want to put your child in harm's way by doing that? I say put a scrap book together, and make sure that when the brother turns 18 that he has all the information that he needs to find you and his sister.Hopefully the situation with the family wanting your daughter back is over, and they can meet back up with each other then. Your daughter has a chance in life now, she has a loving,supportive mother now, don't take away her childhood by keeping this family around as a constant reminder of her abuse and neglect. God knows how her aunt got custody of the other children, she sounds like a terrible person! God Bless you, and best of luck with the adoption. Keep us informed of any new developments, we are always here to support you.
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Jenna, I am one person that knows the trauma a child can have by being exposed to bfam . My daughter was also placed in foster care due to neglect . We have had run-ins with the bfam and bmom since day one. If you will read my post in "Birthparents After Adoption"> "Dialog Between Adoptive Mothers and Birthmothers"> "Bmom interfering in adolescents life", you will see what we have had to deal with and the steps we are taking to keep the bfam and bmom away from our 11 year old daughter. You do what you think is best, and since the TPR has already been done with the bmom, then you have all rights not to allow any contact with any, you do what you feel is right for your child. That is the most important thing here.
Hang in there, been there too...
Carol
Thanks for the support and advice - It is GREATLY appreciated!
I hadn't thought of the scrapbook idea before as something for her siblings, but that is a great idea. I think I will keep one in parallel to the one I'm making for her. I may have her color pictures and maybe make cards for her sibs on their birthdays each year, and we can talk about the fact that she has them out there, and she may see them when she's older. Since I have all their info., I'm sure I can find them later, and they can always contact the agency or the state, who will contact us in turn.
I'm sure there are still things to work through, and all I can do is hope and pray I make the right decisions.
Thanks again y'all!
Jennifer